Nation’s Hipsters Successfully Contained to Portland, OR

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Temporary housing, transient tattoo artists, and makeshift underground music venues have been set up to help with influx of hipster populace.

Washington DC – On Friday, President Obama briefly discussed Emergency Executive Order 9812 and its long term effects on American culture. Facing increasing pressure from the pop culture lobby and Midwestern suburban mothers, he enacted the emergency order to provide a safer more benign culture. He stated, “The support for EEO-9812 has been overwhelming. The hipster threat to America’s pop culture, while not eliminated, has been successfully contained. Those who refuse to comply are being relocated to Portland, OR.” Under the executive order, hipsters are to be collected and sent to reeducation camps. The curriculum includes watching reruns of Jersey Shore, listening to top 40’s pop music from 2 years ago and communication classes that teach students how to not sound like a pompous ass. After the treatment, they are asked to sign statements promising to only show interest in things that the general community agrees are safe, banal, and placating. Some have complied willingly and traveled to the camps, but others have denied any wrong doing.

Those who refuse to sign the statements are forcibly moved to temporary housing underneath Burnside Bridge in Portland, Oregon. On their journey they are given a duffel bag full of vinyl Decemberists records, several scarves, thick framed unnecessary glasses, and a choice of 3 ironic t-shirts.

Concerned citizens are asked to report any suspicious hipster like behavior. Parents are warned to report their children if they display any symptoms of hipsterism. The US surgeon general spoke about the warning signs of the disease. “If you see anyone shopping in a second hand store, listening to unusual or uncommon music, or displaying any knowledge of organic or locally grown produce, please report them immediately as hipsterism is known to be highly communicable.”

Obama concluded the press conference with a personal statement. “We can overcome this national tragedy. No one has been untouched by this. My brother-in-law started showing the early signs of affliction when he purchased a record player and a typewriter at an expensive second hand store. He may have contracted it from attending an Arcade Fire concert earlier in the year. Fortunately, we caught it and, with treatment, he can still live a fulfilling life in our crass and consumeristic society.”

The executive order was drafted from a little known document signed by Reagan in 1981 that prescribed the same treatment for aging hippies. Under that program hippies were successfully contained at two relocation sites, one in Berkeley  California and one in Sedona, Arizona. Reagan’s program copied Nixon’s earlier legislation in 1973 to contain older beatniks to a small suburban neighborhood outside Chicago.

In preparation for the large influx of incurable hipsters, the city of Portland developed temporary housing, transient tattoo artists, and makeshift underground music venues. For more information on hipsterism and additional support for coping with the disease see notinmycountry.gov or whothehellisarcadiefire.org.

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