Zombie Tired of Brains for Dinner Again

Post-Apocalyptic Cedar City, UT-Police were called to investigate a noise complaint and possible domestic disturbance to the Sweinholdt residence on Tuesday. As officers Brink and Thohansen arrived, they found the couple viciously locked in verbal combat on the front lawn. The remains of Bobby Sweinholdt posthumously reanimated by inhaled fungal spores, was furiously grunting and gurgling at his wife Lily. The officers separated the couple amid a growing crowd of neighbors and roaming undead.

Zombie Tired of Brains for Dinner AgainOfficer Brink told reporters that the dispute arose over dinner but escalated as the undead Bobby Sweinholdt broke free from the chains that locked him to his bedroom floor. Bobby’s remains then physically assaulted his wife. She ran outside to avoid a potentially fatal bite from her zombified husband. Mrs. Sweinholdt stood her ground when her husband’s decaying corpse became entangled on the chain link fence of their front yard.

Neighbor, Effron Ericsen, witnessed the incident, “I heard a scream and I saw Lily run out of the house. She stumbled on the porch steps and fell to the ground. She must have twisted her ankle because Lily started slowly dragging herself across the lawn crying for help. That’s when I called the police.” Ericsen then said he witnessed her husband shuffle out of the house moaning with his arms raised. Mrs. Sweinholdt barely made it out of their front gate before kicking the gate closed with her uninjured foot. She then began yelling at her long dead husband. She shouted “I worked hard all day. The leftover cat brain is all we have. I’m too tired to hunt fresh mammalian brain for dinner. Besides, what have you done all day? A whole lotta nothing.” Mr. Sweinholdt’s only response was repeated grunting and moaning from deep within a rapidly decaying chest cavity.

Once the couple was separated, police had to shoot Sweinhold’s mortal coil six times just to calm him down. Animal control was called in and successfully coaxed the zombie back to his room with a fresh stray puppy. Lily Sweinholdt then thanked the officers but refused to press charges. Officer Brink admitted, “I was relieved because it’s difficult to prosecute someone who by all laws, both natural and legal, is dead. There is just so much more paperwork and we rarely go to trial. But we got the undead guy secured and told Mrs. Sweinholdt to buy some thicker chains to ensure her dead husband stays put.”

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