Hollywood, Somewhere – Bono the oft described “Irish Rocker” and Ticketmaster CEO Nathan Somethingorother danced like giddy school girls as they spoke to reporters about a new fee that will be added to all transactions conducted through Ticketmaster. Somethingorother stated, “We are happy to announce the ‘Because We Can’ fee for the convenience of all our customers. It has been a long time coming. Ticketmaster really wanted to give something back to our customers after all the years of forced loyalty through our monopolistic practices. Is there a better way to show our appreciation than making ourselves slightly richer and milk additional dollars from the stupid mouth breathing public?” Bono then flipped the bird to the attendees and added “It’s not like you can do anything about it. And also screw you, you stupid slack jawed music fans.” Many U2 fans reportedly swooned and blogged about the greatness of the band.
This charge is in addition to the already controversial “convenience” fee and the cost for extra anal lubricant. Bono also reminded his fans that part of the ticket price went to Funding for
al-Qaeda unspecified relief organizations to help something, something about Africa.
Most in attendance grumbled in irritation. Then, they pulled out their wallets and began showering the two with money. Mr. Somethingorother then laughed maniacally, stripped naked, and rolled around in the wadded up cash. Bono later admitted that when he spoke of “Africa” was referring to his large mansion in a tax sheltering nation.
After his shameless display, Mr Somethingorother then spoke of future plans to retroactively add additional charges to concerts attended in the past.