Bald Guy Thinks He Looks Good, Still Bald

BAAAAAAALLLLLLLD!

Skokie, IL-Jerry Fitzgerald has never felt as good as he does today. Last January 1st he pledged to start over and make positive changes. He signed up at his local 24 Hour Fitness and began his first steps toward a new life. Six months into his new routine, the forty two year old has dropped 30 pounds and has never felt better. Through hard work and exercise, Fitzgerald has transformed his pudgy 225 pound frame into a lean, vicious 195 pound exercise enthusiast.

Unfortunately, he still suffers from a disfiguring handicap. He is irreversibly bald. Instead of thick curly blond locks, Fitzgerald faces the mirror with a tear in his eye and a barren wasteland upon his head. After losing almost all of his cranial foliage in the autumn of his life, he shaved the sad remnants of a once vigorous youth from the edges of his head.

“My arms are bigger than ever and I run at least five miles a day,” says the new fitness aficionado. But, when asked about what he was running from his eyes misted over and watered a bit. He managed to choke out the word, “Nothing.” We can only assume he is running from his debilitating, cleanly polished dome. Neighbors noticed the hard work that Fitzgerald put into his fitness routine. “I’ve seen him run past my house almost every day for the last six months,” explained Beta Johnston, a retired cable splicer, “At first I thought he would just give up. But I see the sun bouncing off his closely shorn scalp every afternoon. It’s good to see someone disabled work so very hard.”

Fitzgerald also noted, “I know I’m in better shape. When I jog past the elementary school, the kids say, ‘run Baldy, run!’ They used to say ‘run Bald Fatty, run!’ So I know there is a noticeable difference.” The horrific remnant of what was a once suitable head has not soured the man’s drive and outlook on life. He is a hero to all who are blinded by the sunlight reflected from his head.

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