Warsaw, Poland-A new poll from the Poll Institute of Polling in Poland indicates that Americans no longer fear attacks from terrorists like they did just a few years ago. Working in conjunction with the
Gestapo FBI, TSA, and KGB NSA, the institute reported that 50 percent of US citizens felt no fear of a terrorist attack while undergoing a rectal exam by a government agent. The report also stated that 25 percent were only slightly worried which is down from 47 percent just three years ago. The remaining 25 percent felt that there was still an eminent danger and requested further repeated and more penetrating digital exams. The interviews were conducted with travelers at several major airports including SFO and JFK airports as well as 4 federal prisons in Los Angeles, Tampa, and West Hollywood.
Further data showed that fear of terrorist attacks on the US dropped exponentially in relation to the depth of digital insertion. While the level of fear felt by those polled was ‘elevated’ when a gloved finger lightly caressed an interviewee’s sphincter, that level significantly decreased when a third of a finger was inserted rectally. A 90 percent drop in fear was noted once an overweight TSA agents thick sausage fingers reached two thirds deep. An interesting side note is that the numbers seem to be unaffected by the amount of lubricant used in each interview.
A NSA spokesman said, “With the positive results we are seeing from the successful implementation of our rectal investigation policies, we plan to increase our efforts both in length and girth. We hope to have an agent’s finger in the ass of every American. Then US citizens will no longer live in fear of terrorist attacks.” The spokesman refused to comment on if the additional probing actually prevented any acts of terrorism.
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