Mrs. Obama and the Surgeon General are ready to battle obesity.
Washington, D.C. – In the wake of the chilling success of Obamacare, Michelle Obama has released details for a new program to help prevent childhood and adult obesity. At a news conference held in the wood shed behind the Washington Monument, the First Lady spoke on the issue of obesity. “We live in unprecedented times. The next few generations will have shorter and unhealthier lives because the average American is unable to control their fat fingers from pressing high calorie chicken nuggets into our ever-widening mouths.” Mrs. Obama said with the passion of a fat hating shrew. “Exercise? Forget about it. You ass hats can’t even be bothered to stand up from the couch and change the channel when the remote control is so far wedged between your fat rolls you can’t reach it.” Michelle was pumping 2 ten pound weights in each arm as she continued berating the massive American masses.
The president’s wife then introduced Surgeon General Rear Admiral Boris D. Lushniak, M.D., M.P.H, to further explain the new plan. He stated, “According to recent studies, childhood obesity is the leading cause of adult obesity. I can now say it is scientifically proven that once you go fat, you never go back. This epidemic will cause both medical and economic hardships for years to come because you fat lazy people can’t be bothered do a few sit-ups in the morning.” The Surgeon General ripped off his shirt revealing a sexy torso of smoothly oiled muscles. He then jumped off the podium and shouted profanities at a reporter who was slurping down a mammoth Big Gulp and cream filled donut in the front row. When he was pulled back on the stage he continued, “I may be a surgeon but, I am also a general. That gives me the power and the will to stop the rising tide of sweaty fat flesh that threatens my country. From now on, all infants and children will receive a mandatory gastric bypass operation. The operation will be performed by qualified medical students who need the practice or doctors where available.”
As questions and murmurs about the safety and feasibility of the program arose from the crowd, Michelle Obama pushed the ‘totally hot’ Dr. Lushniak out of the way and shouted, “You blubbery crap factories are going to have the fat cut right out of you and your children!” The Secret Service then moved Mrs. Obama to an undisclosed secure location due to the violent reaction from a nearby mob of Walmart Fat Scooter bound constituents. Further program details will soon be available on the Surgeon Generals website.
Mental Duct Tape 