Local Man Dismayed Old Starbuck’s Converted to New Starbuck’s

Starbucks logo has not changed but Waco residents feel the siren now looks down on them with pity.

Waco, TX-Carl Jordenson recently returned to his hometown after a stint in the military, a disappointing trip through community college, and a failed marriage. Growing up in Waco, Jordenson remembered the good ol’ boy feel of the town, his church, and his caffeine delivery companies. In high school, Jordenson remembered visiting the local Starbucks early mornings before class to pick up a solid cup of Joe and a small pastry. “I used to flirt with the cashier and get my caffeine fix at the same time. Things are different now,” says Jordenson, “it goes beyond just the physical remodel, updated decor, and the new chai drinks. There is just a slightly different feel to it. I don’t know what this country is coming to.” He is not alone in noticing the evolution that the town of 124,000 has experienced.

Onetime barista and current store manager ‘Chip’ agrees, “We had to move the counter back for safety and installed one of those sorting trash bins for paper and plastic. We added a new ice dispenser too. I actually like that. But the store lost a little something. I feel like we failed our customers, our town. I feel like we failed America.”

Some residents have complained that the new Starbucks has ruined Waco’s mid-2000’s charm. The quaint fear-of-terrorism driven commercialism that filled the busy downtown streets converted to flaccid, environmentally responsible commercialism. One lone passerby slurping a double Trenta Carmel Frapuiccino with whip quipped, “Everything changes, but by god, why do they have all these music CDs and sandwiches. I just want my coffee syrup type milkshake. What the hell kind of coffee is chai? Waco has lost something; we need our homogenized corporate fast food back to the way things used to be, like in the mid two thousands.”

Another resident noted that the McDonald’s on North Interstate 35 Frontage Road has converted to a Burger King. While complaints were minimal, an undercurrent of unease flows beneath the smiling faces of retail food drones. Corporate America is slightly changing.

Jordenson left his home town a little sad that the two-triple-aughts were gone. He remains steadfast and takes comfort in knowing that he will most probably become a Walmart greeter when his unemployment checks stop sometime in June.

Successful Actor Hopes to Make Enough Tips to Become a Full Time Waiter

Steven Stevenson hopes to finally quit Hollywood.

Pasadena, CA – Steven Stevenson is a marginally successful actor and stand-up comedian. He has appeared in several dozen commercials and even won some credited roles in ABC’s popular sitcom Ham-fisted Laugh Track and CBS’s now defunct drama Old People: Dying. But his work as an actor is only a paycheck while he works on his true career, waiting tables. Stevenson spoke briefly to MDT in an abandoned pig farm near Shafter, CA. In the interview he stated, “I’ve been living a sort of double life. My day job is acting and it pays the bills but, my dream is to take my career as a waiter to the next level.” As an actor, he could no longer buy in to all the glamour that Hollywood offered. And, in an existential crisis, Stevenson questioned his career choice.

When he first started acting, Stevenson knew that it wouldn’t be permanent. He stated, “Acting paid the bills but, it wasn’t my dream. Early on, I knew that slaving away in front of a live studio audience was not my calling.” As his career advanced, he pushed off his dreams of food service. He continued, “I woke up one morning and I just knew I couldn’t do it for the rest of my life. I wanted to live the dream.” He spent the next two weeks filling out applications and interviewing at local restaurants and pubs. He received a few call backs but nothing panned out. “Then it happened,” Stevenson stated excitedly, “I was finishing a 6 hour sex scene shoot with Kate Bosworth on the set of Old People, when my cell rang. I knew, I wasn’t supposed to have it on set but, I took a chance. It paid off.”

An assistant manager from an Applebee’s in Burbank was on the line. He offered Stevenson a greeter/host position starting at minimum wage but with a free meal when on the clock. “I was so excited, I screamed. I was jumping up and down. I was on cloud nine. A naked Kate Bosworth gave me a hug and congratulated me, but I noticed a bit of jealousy in her eyes. I whispered softly in her ear, ‘today me, tomorrow you.’ But, I didn’t let my success go to my head. I was starting my new career at the bottom.”

Stevenson has since been promoted to waiter at the Burbank Applebee’s and hopes to one day make enough tips to quit acting all together. He has put in for a transfer to the Applebee’s by the 405 where the customer volume is greater and he can make better money. He can still be seen in a recurring role as Friend Number 2 on the Fox action drama Fist Full of Bullet Holes: Explosion.

TSA to Remove ‘Nude’ Body Scanners, Replace with Poles

Washington DC-After the Transportation Security Administration discontinued the use of the controversial ‘nude’ body scanners, many wondered what new type of intrusive and questionable practice would take its place. TSA Executive -Type-Person, John Pistole, announced a new program on Tuesday that he claims will be less intrusive and more effective for passengers. He stated, “The evil, ugly, and rude terrorists that are out there won’t stop until we are all dead. Thus, we need to continue to expand our intrusions on civil liberties so that they don’t win.” He then added “Hell, there may be some terrorists under your bed. We just don’t know. So, I am pleased to announce a new program called the System to Register and Improve Passenger Performance, Efficiency, and Respect or STRIPPER. It consists of a metal pole mounted on the floor and ceiling of the Security screening area at passenger check in. It is filled with all the latest electronics and sensors that, frankly, makes Robocop look like a wind-up toy.”

TSA employee 'CanDee' Demonstrates new passenger screening procedures.

TSA employee ‘CanDee’ Demonstrates new passenger screening procedures.

The TSA has been under heavy criticism from bloggers and other online media for having nonsensical and invasive policies. With the announcement today the TSA has promised to balance rights stripping security and sexual gratification with freedom for travelers. Pistole continued, “With the latest intelligence we have received, the average terrorist is now most likely female, between the ages of 18 and 29, and under 120 lbs. Under the STRIPPER program, only passengers that fit this profile will be required to sensually swing around the scanner poles.” When asked to explain the logic behind the new policy the TSA director cleared his throat and blinked.

The TSA plans the rollout of this program to begin at airports in Los Angeles and South Beach, Florida sometime near spring break. “This time frame will allow us to root out hot, young, and nubile terrorists,” Pistole spoke licking his lips. The STRIPPER scanners will be installed at great expense by an unnamed and well-connected government contractor. For further information on the new program go to: HTTP://TSA.CO.GOV/HOTNEWS/STRIPPER.

Nation’s Hipsters Successfully Contained to Portland, OR


Temporary housing, transient tattoo artists, and makeshift underground music venues have been set up to help with influx of hipster populace.

Washington DC – On Friday, President Obama briefly discussed Emergency Executive Order 9812 and its long term effects on American culture. Facing increasing pressure from the pop culture lobby and Midwestern suburban mothers, he enacted the emergency order to provide a safer more benign culture. He stated, “The support for EEO-9812 has been overwhelming. The hipster threat to America’s pop culture, while not eliminated, has been successfully contained. Those who refuse to comply are being relocated to Portland, OR.” Under the executive order, hipsters are to be collected and sent to reeducation camps. The curriculum includes watching reruns of Jersey Shore, listening to top 40’s pop music from 2 years ago and communication classes that teach students how to not sound like a pompous ass. After the treatment, they are asked to sign statements promising to only show interest in things that the general community agrees are safe, banal, and placating. Some have complied willingly and traveled to the camps, but others have denied any wrong doing.

Those who refuse to sign the statements are forcibly moved to temporary housing underneath Burnside Bridge in Portland, Oregon. On their journey they are given a duffel bag full of vinyl Decemberists records, several scarves, thick framed unnecessary glasses, and a choice of 3 ironic t-shirts.

Concerned citizens are asked to report any suspicious hipster like behavior. Parents are warned to report their children if they display any symptoms of hipsterism. The US surgeon general spoke about the warning signs of the disease. “If you see anyone shopping in a second hand store, listening to unusual or uncommon music, or displaying any knowledge of organic or locally grown produce, please report them immediately as hipsterism is known to be highly communicable.”

Obama concluded the press conference with a personal statement. “We can overcome this national tragedy. No one has been untouched by this. My brother-in-law started showing the early signs of affliction when he purchased a record player and a typewriter at an expensive second hand store. He may have contracted it from attending an Arcade Fire concert earlier in the year. Fortunately, we caught it and, with treatment, he can still live a fulfilling life in our crass and consumeristic society.”

The executive order was drafted from a little known document signed by Reagan in 1981 that prescribed the same treatment for aging hippies. Under that program hippies were successfully contained at two relocation sites, one in Berkeley  California and one in Sedona, Arizona. Reagan’s program copied Nixon’s earlier legislation in 1973 to contain older beatniks to a small suburban neighborhood outside Chicago.

In preparation for the large influx of incurable hipsters, the city of Portland developed temporary housing, transient tattoo artists, and makeshift underground music venues. For more information on hipsterism and additional support for coping with the disease see notinmycountry.gov or whothehellisarcadiefire.org.

Cow Dreams of Rotting in the Intestines of a Taco Bell Customer

Bessie a one thousand pound Hereford cow hopes to one day be ground up and served in a tasty all meat burrito. She feels that her dream can still come true although she is trapped on a small farm among hundreds of dairy cows. Speaking through cow whisperer, Dingo Yarrington, she expressed her dreams. Yarrington said, “I was hired to find out why Bessie was not producing the same at the other cows on the farm. Bessie expressed to me through a snort and sorrowful half moo that she would prefer to be ground up and

An undated photo of Bessie before the onset of her illness.

An undated photo of Bessie before the onset of her illness.

served at the nearest Taco Bell on First and Alejandro.” Yarrington then said that the cow did show signs of what he called Adolescent Bovine Self Harm Delusion. The cow whisperer described how she mooed and then chewed some cud and mooed again. Yarrington spoke about this behavior, “It surprised me. She described her deep emotional and highly detailed fantasies. She told me she hoped to one day rot in the intestines of an overweight Taco Bell customer. She spoke of slowly digesting away, causing painful stomach cramps to her unknowing host.”

At the cow whisperers request, Bessie’s owner Ace MacBandersage, placed the cow in a peaceful grassy knoll away from the other cows at the farm. Unfortunately this only exacerbated the condition and caused Bessie to rub against the barbed wire of the pen causing harm to the poor delusional Hereford.

Several new and questionable therapies were prescribed for the cow to help elevate her mood and milk production. MacBandersage stated, “We tried Alfalfa Aroma Therapy, Deep Steak Tissue Massage, Cowzac (TM), and the controversial Cattle Prod Electroshock Therapy. None of that worked.” To the dismay of both MacBandersage and the cow whisper, Bessie was tagged and sent to the Wilson-Grainery Meat Packing plant in Downtown Bent Fork, Wisconsin. According to her wishes, she was ground up, mixed with sawdust and other FDA approved fillers, bleached, bathed in ammonia, packed into square slabs of meat product, boxed, and shipped to various Taco Bell locations in the tri-county area. Parts of Bessie were last seen dangling under the double chin of an unusually sized Mexican fast food restaurant patron.

Inexplicable Boner Makes Awkward Situation More Awkward

arapahoe cropArapahoe, CO – Arapahoe High School freshmen and friendless loner, Justin Wedgewood suffered another humiliating social defeat in the boys locker room last Tuesday. Already nervous and unsure of himself, Justin navigated the confusing corridors and head-butting jocks of his school to find himself in 3rd period PE. As the bells rang, Justin dressed in his standard gold on gold Arapahoe Ravenhawkes school jersey. Then, he headed out to line up in front of Coach Negroponte and his assistant Jarvis. The coach recalls, “Justin is not what I would call an athletic type. He seemed more elbows than anything and I felt sorry for him. So I thought a healthy game of dodge ball would be just what he needed to beat the nerd out of him.” After 20 minutes of pummeling from every conceivable direction, the coach decided Justin had enough and sent him to the showers.

In the showers, Justin felt what he described as an “unbeatable hard-on.” He tried to think of baseball but never understood the mechanics. Next, he tried football but ended living through the most awkward 15 minutes of his life. His saluting soldier was immediately noticed by his fellow classmates while in line waiting for a towel. “The guys lead singer was just out there for all to see,” said Assistant Coach Jarvis. Apparently his tent pole could not be concealed by the standard issue Arapahoe High School towel. Justin could not explain why his member had shifted from Florida to Eastern Seaboard mode in the boy’s locker room.

“Except for a bumpy car ride, little-big Justin usually behaves. I don’t even know why I’m talking to you about it. This horrible, embarrassing, awkward.” said Justin in a tear filled interview with the Arapaho high school newspaper reporter Kristen.
While most just laughed at the angry penguin, many of the boys in the locker room were visibly confused and awkward.

Coach Negroponte later stated, “I never took the boy for being mo. I mean, nerdy? Sure. But I did not ever think of him as a sexy, sexy gay. Hmmmm. “ Negroponte then mumbled something about squats and walked away.

Justin has not been seen in class since the incident, but no one noticed.

Facebook User Unaware Friends Only ‘Liking’ Posts Ironically

Liberal, KS – Wednesday morning, twenty-eight-year-old Angelace Marristein posted another nonsensical comment on her Facebook page. The comment said “OMG…I JUST SAWd [Deleted due to local obscenity laws]” and it caused several users to ‘unfriend’ her. Immediately afterward, she posted a photograph of herself in the bathroom of the local Fuddrucker’s imitating a constipated mallard. Each of these posts received close to 50 ‘likes’ and several encouraging comments. Unknown to Angelace, all but two of the ‘likes’ were added ironically by former acquiescence, coworkers, and classmates.


Constipated mallard seeks creative outlet through social media.

“Oh, I love her posts,” said Elizabeth Fingerburger, “I kinda feel bad encouraging her. It’s like I’m picking on a mentally challenged kid, but I can help myself.” Fingerburger was a former classmate with her at Liberal Unified High School. She continued, “I do get tired of the pictures of falling rain or sunsets with nonsensical comic sans script promoting some vague idea of ‘girl power’ or ‘getting over a breakup.’ But usually, what she posts is unintentional comedic gold.”

Recently ‘unfriended’ corn oil futures investor, Colin MacGrisel, spoke candidly about her activity. “At first I was commenting on everything she posted. I encouraged her to post more of her ‘wisdom’ and shenanigans. But I got bored with it. Plus, they blocked the Facebook at work. I didn’t have time to comment. Then, she posted something offensive about immigrant chicken farmers poor driving skills and I had to block her. I didn’t want to be affiliated with a bigot.”

While the popularity of her comments has waned in the last year, Angelace has continued her attack on common sense, the English language, and the caps lock key. Some users attribute the downward slope of popularity to the novelty of broadcast ignorance losing its charm. Other say that the unfortunate death her former elementary English school teacher Steven J. Elderjist caused some to turn away. Rumors persist that one of Angelace’s posts was so grammatically incorrect, it may have caused him to hang himself. He was found suspended above his desk with the words “everything i have ever done is a lie” written on the chalkboard. The computer on his desk had an open window displaying Angelace Marristein’s timeline. His death is still under investigation. Angelace’s only comment on his death was, “LOL WHUT?” with a link to a newspaper article about the incident.

For more information on Angelace Marristein, suicide, corn oil futures or immigrant chicken farmers, do a Google search.

Murdered Man’s Last Words a Disappointment to All Involved

Tragedy struck when Jeremy McDoubter was stabbed and later pronounced dead on Saturday evening. McDoubter was mugged by an unknown assailant who was trying to steal a piece of pizza from him. Having little means, McDoubter resisted and in the struggle a short knives plunged in the torso. He fell to the ground and said “Ah, no, what, no.”

“You could see the disappointment on his face,” said one witness, “He was definitely surprised that he had been hurt, but I could tell he wanted to say something much more effective. Instead, he just said that and then passed out from the pain or blood loss, so sad.” The mugger stood in shock and he stated to one witness, “I can’t believe he said that. Those were his last words, really? I almost feel bad for him now.” The mugger then ran off with the coveted slice as police sirens were heard approaching.

An ambulance was called to the scene to try to revive him, but he never regained consciousness. “We worked on him for a while,” said the EMT first on the scene, “My partner even said, ‘we aren’t gonna let those be your last words buddy,’ but it was no use. I wish we could have brought him back just so he could say something more thought provoking. I mean, when you are facing death like that, you would think that you might have a changed perspective on life and express something.”

One witness claimed that he did hear McDoubter say something else but it was later confirmed that it was more of just a blood soaked cough and gurgle than anything wise or of significant philosophical importance.

Hoping for some answers the police turned over the body for a forensic autopsy. Unfortunately, the corner found that the knife did not pierce the man’s lungs or diaphragm and that he would have been physically able to speak for at least a minute before dying. The coroner’s report stated that “McDoubter should have been able to give a few words of insight or at least some empty threats to his attacker as he bled to death on the cold, cold concrete.”

Police have vowed to investigate why this man had nothing interesting to say as he lay dying. They hope that they may prevent such a non-expressive tragedy from happening again.

Disney Enlists Jerry Bruckheimer to Direct Star Wars Sequel

Hollywood, CA – In a rush to cash in on the short lived franchise Star Wars, Disney is enlisting the help of critically acclaimed filmic maestro Jerry Bruckheimer. Known for his emotionally subtle and poignant directing, Bruckheimer will rebooting the Star Wars movies and bring a fresh perspective. Disney CEO Bob Iger stated, “We are pleased to bring Mr. Bruckheimer’s unique artistic sensibilities to the faltering Star Wars series.”

At the press conference, Bruckheimer was asked if he had any ideas for the new movie. He said, “I never watched the other movies, so, I know I can bring a fresh view to the series.” When asked to elaborate on potential plot lines, he said, “What if

Jerry Bruckheimer rambling something about Bruce Willis, Ben Affleck, and Johnny Depp.

Vader isn’t Luke’s father? What if the Star Wars universe only exists in the imagination of a retarded Shia LaBeouf? What if the force is really just a mystical power that surrounds us and not a disease in the bloodstream of a few? I have a few other ideas. We have not fully explored them yet, but I’ll bang a script out in the next few minutes.”

Iger then recommended that fans get in line now for a move that will be in every theater, play for a long time at said theaters, be available on DVD (but not Blu-Ray or iTunes), and cable TV after that. He then said, “We will focus on making movies that will please the fans by digging deeper into the wonderful and colorful characters in Star Wars. We will also balance that with enough explosions to appease the knuckle dragging mass of idiots that just like to watch shiny things…” Bruckheimer interrupted Iger by saying, “What if the huge spaceships of the Empire transform into Ninja Turtles and fight with the Jedi? Ooooooor, what if, what if, Luke and Solo and that harry creature guy that can’t talk, what if, they go on a road trip across Australia? Do you see the potential for a great movie? Oh, wait, what if an asteroid is headed for Tatooine and Luke has to assemble a rag tag group of clichéd Jedi characters to use their mind force powers to push the asteroid over to the Empire side of the galaxy? Oh my god, are we making more than one movie? How many x’s are in the word explosion? I think we need to add a few more.” Bruckheimer then rambled on about other potential plots with more holes than could be counted. He then sat down on the sage and, rocking back and forth, said “Shia LaBeouf, Shia LaBeouf, Shia LaBeouf.” He changed the phonetic emphasis of the name each time he spoke. This continued until all in attendance were thoroughly creeped out.

Hollywood economists have estimated that the new movie could generate as much as fifteen kajillion dollars in gross revenue and even more with emerging global markets. The estimated release date for the new move will be the summer of 2015.

Clown College Frat Party Surprisingly Tame

Breckenhurst, MO-Expectations for an absurdly amusing time were dashed as party goers arrived at the Bonjour La Femme Fraternity in Breckenhurst Clown College. Many of the invitees were expecting quite a wild and whimsical night of heavy drinking, along with comedic physical innuendo. Mary Eldergist, a first time attendee, said, “I was expecting a bit more tomfoolery. This shindig turned out to be more like a state dinner with the governor.” Another anonymous partygoer stated, “They had drinks but no one really got drunk. I was expecting some wild times. Where are the trampolines? Where are the tiny clown cars? Give me something!”

The Bonjour La Femme Fraternity President, Steven “the fart sensation” McTraverson

Clown prepares for final trials before his ascension.

stated “We spend all week studying hard for pie throwing exams and balloon animal certifications. The last thing we want to do to relax is entertain our guests with more brutal shenanigans. It would be too exhausting.” The president also noted that the History of Circus and the Media finals are next week and a few of the students will need to pull an all-night clown session to pass.

Fraternity Brother James “rubber chicken chucker” el Naranja complained, “I’ve got a full course load this year. I have 2 units on Banana Slipping 101 and another 4 units in Oversized Shoes 104. I can’t get drunk and wild tonight. My CPA (Clown Point Average) would slip to unfunny levels.”

A visiting guest did have one to many green apple martinis and stumbled around the room pretending to be a mime. He then placed a lampshade on his head and passed out on the couch. El Naranja stated, “Yeah, I saw that guy. A lampshade? That is so cliché and unfunny. I bet that guy still thinks Charlie Chaplin is a genius. I mean, has he even studied Keaton, or Arbuckle? Marceau was doing that stuff in the 40’s, come on!”

The Dean of Physical Clowning released a statement that the police and the fire department were called to the scene but, the call was due to car parked in front of a fire hydrant.