Op-ED: Wedding DJ Totally Off the Hook

Op-Ed by Assistant DJ Kyle

Awe yeah, check it! Bitches be all grovin’ to the smooth rhythm of my dawg here, DJ Snuggles. He’s like “the man” scratchin’ out the dopest songs from his dual iPod mixer for the Snader-Wilhelm wedding. I axed him “Yo, how you keep it fresh for the kids and the oldsters?” He put me in my place though. He all, “Dude shut up, it’s the father-daughter dance. Show some respect.” He be right but, then he gave me that look like, ‘Oh yeah it’s gonna be ON later.’

Assistant DJ, DJ Kyle claims Snader-Wilhelm wedding off the hizzook.

So he kept playing the slow jams but kept it real white bread, you know. It was the Neil Diamond shiz. I ain’t into that. But, you gotta make grandma happy until, she be like ‘Oh I’m like almost dead and, I gotta go change my Depends.’ That’s when I see DJ Snuggles big brain. He be all taking ‘erybody through time. Start off slow and old like, until Grandpa get tired and go to bed. Then bring that party music to the seventies and play some Kool and the Gang for the Moms and Dads. Awe yeah, ‘Celebrate good times. Come On.’

I feel it.

When the Snader mom be like too drunk to remember and she be stumblin’ out of the rented hall at the Double Tree in West Covina, DJ Snuggles turn up the bass and hit us with some CNC Music Factory. Everybody Dance, NOW! That be like a booty’ call to all the younger moms who just changed their 3000th baby diaper and need get their groove back. Yeah they dance the best they can for people who be listening to Kidz Bop Vol. XIII for six years. It cool, fo sho.  Then they be clearing out of there at like 9:30 because the babysitter is only paid until 10:00. Plus, the sitter is half way pregnant from her boyfriend on the new leather couch. So young moms head out, but not before we all get down to some Rock Lobster and Grove is in the Heart.

Now the WesCove Double Tree is cleared out of all the oldsters and the midsters and moms and the party really gets going. The place explodes with some Skrillex and Daft Punk. The strobe lights be flashin’ like someone dialed 911. But, this is where DJ Snuggles shows all his mad skills. He be like throwin’ in some old school Jay Z and even slows it down with some Barry White. I know you all like ‘whaaaat?’ But my dog, DJ Snuggles, totally hit it just right. Not a dry panty in the house.

So now I gotta break down the equipment and pack it up ‘cause I’m just the assistant DJ, but someday. Someday, I’ll be bust out the sick beats like my dog, DJ Snuggles.

I Just Met a Guy Who Said He Didn’t Know You

Op Ed by Steve the Wet Hand – Oh hey, hello. We haven’t talked in a while. I’ve called you but you never seem to be there. Like the time when I was in the hospital and you never came to visit me. Anyways, I was just talking to that guy over there. I told him about how long we have known each other. Then he told me he didn’t know who you were. So there’s that.

Anyway, I wanted to talk to you about all my problems because you always seemed to be a good or at least indifferent listener. But the guy over there who doesn’t know you doesn’t know how good of a friend you are. Well really, you don’t walk away like most other people. I wanted to tell you about this really uncomfortable event that happened to me and I will be going into unimaginably painful detail. It’s pretty gruesome. You will want to pull your bottom lip over your face and swallow but you are a good friend and will listen and nod. You will only check your phone every minute or so to see if there is anything on Pinterest that is more interesting than my unnecessary and long story.

OK so it goes like this: I locked my keys in the car yesterday. That’s my story in a nutshell, but that is not a good enough summary.  I will describe in bleedingly painful and useless detail how it started. You’re a good buddy so you won’t just say ‘I’m sorry’ and walk away. But the guy over there who said he doesn’t know you won’t know that.  You will stick by me as I go over my entire story which starts, by the way, almost twenty four hours earlier with a bunch on nonessential detail. it will include disgusting information about my cat and its dance with a litter box. I will tell you my story and you will listen. Because you are such a good friend and the guy over there that doesn’t know you doesn’t know this about you. I will continue to talk to you, or at you, until you are literally bashing your head into the arm of the sofa. I will fill your head with a plethora of micro-details that will cause a psychic headache that the guy over there that doesn’t know you will not experience. This is because I just met him and I need to act like a normal, near-delightful person around him. I will act normally until he drops his guard and then I can unleash my all-consuming and emotionally draining self on him. You won’t know about this because you don’t know who he. He just told me has never met you.

It’s a shame because he does not know you and does not know about the social abuses that I heap on you. If you never meet him he will never know how I will suck the life from you every time I talk to you. But that is OK. Because you will sit quietly ignoring my story and only repeat the last thing I say to you when I pause. You usually make it sound like a question so that it almost sounds like we are actually having a conversation. You are a good friend like that but the guy over there who said he didn’t know you doesn’t know it.

So let me tell you the story of how I locked my keys in the car…Hey where are you going.

Raising Children in a Post Star Wars Prequel World

photo from george allen babcock

Entertainment Op-Ed by James the Overly Protective but Detached Paternal Unit

Children are born with innocence and wonder that drives them to discover all they can in the world. As protective yet distant parents, we want to encourage this sense of discovery, while protecting them from the instant death that the outside world brings. How do we approach this task while dividing our time with other more self-important pursuits? The answer of course is media.

Televisions, movies, and the Internets are excellent ways to prevent interaction with your children, feed their sense of discovery (there’s an app, channel, and  website for that), and protect them from sudden and unexpected death. But underneath the seductive protection of media lurks dangers of another kind: bad taste in movie selection.

Innocent and dull-witted, our children can be enticed by flashing lights, big explosions, and broadly drawn characters in ridiculous nonsensical plots. More specifically I am referring to the putrid rotting stench of the Prequels. I know, all fathers out there have dreamt of the day when they could take their two and two-thirds kids to the store to pick out light sabers in their favorite colors. Then rush them home and lord over a Force induced battle royal on the living room cushions. The only way to ignite in these types of shenanigans is to spark interest in the universe the Lord Lucas released in 1977. But how can you develop interest in the holy trinity of episodes four, five, and six without your children becoming aware of the dreadful Prequels.

On a tangent, some may say that the Prequels are not so bad for children to watch. For these naysayers I present to you the case study of my niece and nephew. For three years, from the ages of five to eight, my sister’s house was filled with “Meesa want this Annie” and “Midichlorians that Annie.” My sister lost the ability to speak and had to have her children put to sleep. Her husband left her and went on to become a transgender prostitute. All of this, because she let them watch episodes one, two, and three. This is a true story.

So three fingers deep into an Irish Whiskey rant, I’m left with the conundrum. Do I introduce my children to Star Wars and risk them discovering the Prequels on their own? Or do I hide all traces that the Star Wars universe exist like a fundamentalist Christian parent hell bent on deleting Harry Potter from history for his practice of witchcraft? I started to lean toward the latter when I remembered the GoBots. (Bear with me here as I’m now a fourth finger into my whiskey and it is only two o’clock.) As a kid I grew up loving the Transformers. The robots in disguise concept fed my imagination beyond what my abusive father and intellectually stunted mother thought possible. When the GoBots showed up with cheap molded plastic and horrible cartoon, I could smell the knock off like Axe body spray on a pubescent teen. I was six.

If I could sell the original trilogy as the Transformers and the prequels as the GoBots, the battle royal in my living room would be a definite possibility and I wouldn’t have to become a transgender prostitute after all. I set my plan in motion and forced my six and four year old to watch all 6 hours of the only REAL Star Wars movies in one sitting. Despite a few complaints of ‘I’m Hungry’ and ‘Can we please go outside now?’ I’m happy to say that my kids made it through.

The results: mostly indifference. And I think one of them peed on the couch. I’ll count that as a victory. Now where is my bottle of Irish Whiskey? Damn, kids always hide it because I get “Daddy Scary Face” on if I have too much.

Stay tuned for my next article Raising a Teen in a Post Matrix Reloaded/Revolutions World where I discuss hiding the aborted afterbirth of the sequels to the Wachowskis masterpiece.

5 Inexpensive Dating Ideas From Consuelo the Orange

(Translated with the help of the Merriam-Webster Spanish to English Dictionary,1999 Edition.) Halo! You may say, “Mama Consuelo, I am poor college man. I make the Willie Nelson. I no make the big Jay-Z in dinero. How can I make/give pretty mamacita the good time for the dates without going Enron?” To you I have the news of the good. I tell you where to take ladies for fun with no spending the large Donald Trump. This hour I will bring to you the 5 no cost the dates for the ladies.

Sugerencia Uno-The Abandoned Field
The nature has all needed to treat a senorita to romance. Have a short drive from the city and bring blanket and pocket knife. Here the compliments is whispered to her ear of her prettiness as you lay out the blanket in grassy abandoned field. Then, give her knife and tell her you left something en la coche and you BRB. Get to car and leave her in the beauty of nature. Alone she will fight things like elements and use knife to kill you a rabbit or field mouse.  She will bring this to you and have cook good meal for you.
Cost: $0 + Gas
Beneficio: She cook you good meal and love you creative. Also, she prove she strong woman, able to take care for you.

Sugerencia Dos-Thrift Shop Hop

Your mamacita likes nice things. You take her to the store but you no money. But thrift shop has many nice things at low quality/price. You will take her to thrift shop and spend long time. Look at old VCR or tape player and spend hour or dos, pushing buttons or plugging plugs. Then leave and do not purchase. The romance will flow from her bosom.
Cost: $0 + bus fare.
Beneficio: She will see you man of taste and class. Sturdy strong man, Al Pacino.

Sugerencia Tres-Dine and the Leave

The date of the third can be a trick for man in woo. Ladies may be all swoon, but more is required to keep her interest. Take her to high class Tom Cruise restaurant  (Don’t worry, Mama Consuelo has plan.) She arrive with you in the fancy dress and reservations. Order all wonderful things and bring in the excesses of Beyonce to her. Before the check is bringing you tell her you must go and fade into the night. Her resolve to test love of you will be brought to fore.  She must pay as you not existence and the romance will Schwarzenegger.
Cost: Expensive – You not pay = $0
Beneficio: If she will still see you after this, dios mio, she is rich and the marriage is coming!

Sugerencia Quatro-Leave Her Home

This is simple way for el dating costs low. Go out and not bring the date of your affection. You have the enjoyment and then visit the girl caller after.  You will tell her of the fun you have and she love the stories you tell.  She find you interesting and throw her passions at you in heavy sway.
Cost: Whatever you spend on yourself mijo.
Beneficio: She think you interesting and selfish. She will turn to worship you.

Sugerencia Cinco-Just Love the Mama

This is the best, Consuelo can give you in the advice. Love tu madre and do not be the dating other girls. Mama will feed you and feed you. She cannot give you the Jay-Z cash. But spending dinero you can ask for. Mama exists in your house and the caring for all you need. You need the laundry or the food. Mama. You need the love. Mama. You never need to move out. Mama. Just the love. Mama.
Cost: -$50, ask Mama for it.
Beneficio: Tu Madre is the love.

Most Languages I Speak are English

Op-Ed By: Consuelo The Orange (With help from Google Translate)
Halo! I am fluent in much speak of engles. You may speak and say, no. I say no. You not know from where I speak much engles. I study by read newsbooks and People magazine. Kardashian, JoLo, Tom Cruse and Holmes, you will agree? I know, ha, I know you thinking ‘no eschoola where I am from’ but I learn from eschoola de Ford Knox. While I make money with the cleaning I also listen with ear buddy to the news en engles.
You will think me too stupid to know what has been said but I learn new word from Quicklypedia: intonation. Ha you think the condecent is only on your mouth, but lips of the quivering lie in mouth with not a Beyonce and Jay-Z. You may not know what I say all times but with “intonation” I buy and cost the meaning from the shady.
So not all is same in breaking of new grounded words, Prince Charles and the skinny white girl. You have rich in the Nordstrom but I am have Queen Latifa in my own home. Much praise from my family and el jefe.