McDonald’s Introducing New ‘Point and Grunt’ Menu

Des Planes, IL – The world’s largest purveyor of fine processed foods has recently patented a new technique that may turn the fast food industry in its head. The patent solidifies McDonald’s commitment to cater to the lowest common denominator of clientele by removing the necessity of forming any recognizable syllable. Craig McCraigerson of McDonald’s technical response department admitted, “Many of our most loyal customers find proper pronunciation in any language a severe determent from visiting our locations a least 6 times a week. Often times our hard pressed staff is left grasping at straws trying to comprehend the constant raping of proper language. So we have patented a new ordering system that only requires a series of guttural grunts in order to communicate delicious menu choices to our well trained employees.”

McDonald’s changed the industry in the past by offering a number selection menu where customers could order well over 3200 calories of processed farm remnants with just a single number or phrase in almost any common language. As the clientele of McDonald’s evolved it has become increasing difficult to force customers into uttering complete syllables like ‘one’ or ‘two’. The new system proposes a series of grunts and heavy breathing to communicate an order to the low paid customer service representative.

McCraigerson also stated, “While we understand our customers burn tremendous calories transporting their rotund physique to our stores, we do not wish any unnecessary waste of life giving caloric energy. We no longer force our patrons to expend effort with an abstract and archaic language when a series of grunts and wheezes could just as easily suit the job.”

In the newly proposed system a Number 1 Super Value Meal is now “ungh” or a grunt. A Number 2 Meal is now an “ungh, unugggghuh,” or a ‘grunt wheeze’ according to industry experts.

Cameras will be deployed at drive through locations in order to process the point and grunt technique so that the accuracy of patron’s orders will be properly addressed. The cameras will allow fat sausage finger gestures to accompany vocal cues for inarticulate consumers. “Any technology that allows me to avoid customer contact is fine with me,” stated 3 month retail veteran Miles Davis, “It will make our job much easier and I think the customers will be happier.”

The new procedures of ordering at fast food restaurants are not without critics. Prof. Theodore Uptightly expressed disgust for the new system stating, “The end of true language is at hand. The inability of the vulgar people to express even the most basic of human necessities is further reason to begin serving pure swill to anyone who cannot accurately describe what they want.” Some have called Uptightly’s comments as ‘rude and ignant’ (sic). In either case McDonald’s cannot be criticized for knowing its customer base and catering to the lowest rung of filthy human waste.

McDonalds has rolled out the new point and grunt menu system to select stores in the Mid-West, the Deep South, and San Francisco.

90 Pound Model Considered ‘The Fat One’ Among Peers

New York, NY-Fashion model Amanda ‘Clarneesie’ Hutchinson is shaking up the modeling and fashion industry with her unique style and Lycra straining weight gain. The 6’2″ model stirred up the buzz when she premiered at New York Fashion Week carrying an additional 1.5 lbs. (0.68 kg) on her body. The added mass forced designers to squeeze her into a size 0 instead of the standard 00. “I like that she is taking chances”, says friend and fellow model Dernika, “To show up at Fashion Week so fat and still expect to go up. She is really brave.” To the surprise of many, her appearance was celebrated by most in attendance. Designer Fredrick Sanders gleefully embiggened Clarneesie’s dress by 0.2cm at the waist and a whole 0.5cm at the hips. Sanders stated, “It was a surprise to me when she showed up looking so huge. I was livid at first but I realized we could really grab the audience’s attention by putting a fat cow up there. It really worked.”

Her weight gain is not without is critics. 84lb (38kg) rival ShAneesie spoke out against the change, “With obesity on the rise worldwide, I think it’s careless to send this type of message. I totally saw Clarnessie eat two carrot sticks yesterday and she didn’t even throw it up afterward. It’s like she just wants to flaunt her weight. I think she might even be growing breasts. Disgusting.” Another model stated, “I think she is just getting lazy. She’s just letting herself go by gaining another pound. She said she skipped cardio this morning. Does she want to become a Lane Bryant model?”

Nobody reads the captions anymore.

With the controversy surrounding Clarnessie’s appearance, the model has taken the additional attention to further her career and speak out against the dangers of both obesity and anorexia. She stated, “Having now lived on both extremes of the scale, I think we put too much emphasis on weight. We all know the only thing that matters is looks. I think it’s ok to be a few pounds under or over weight, just don’t be ugly and things will go good for you.”

For further information on obesity and anorexia, just friggen’ Google it. Don’t be lazy.

Ensure Introduces Ensure HD and Ensure Extreme for Active Seniors

Abbott Park, IL – If you are over sixty, lacking basic nutrition, and low on energy, Abbott Laboratories has great news. The makers of Ensure, New Ensure, and Ensure Classic are proud to release Ensure HD and Ensure Extreme. Loaded with extra calories, a near lethal dose of caffeine, and essential nutrients, the energy bursting flavor of these new drinks will help you keep your active senior lifestyle going strong.

Harry Johnson, 72, enjoys Ensure Extreme while snowboarding.

If you have a long day of shuffleboard in the commons or keep regressing to memories of when you were a twenty year old debutante, Ensure HD keeps your metabolism burning well into the early bird special at the Denny’s. If you feel more active and plan water aerobics at the YMCA, then Ensure Extreme will give you the extra burst of strength when you are tits (knees) deep in community pool. Ensure HD and Ensure Extreme are for the busy sexagenarian who aren’t satisfied living their sunset years watching the Wheel of Fortune with the Pat Sajak on the tube.

Also, coming this fall enjoy Ensure Dark. Ensure Dark keeps your geriatric nightlife burning by adding a touch of Viagra to each bottle. Ensure Dark will redefine Tuesday Night Bingo into a wrinkled and sagging flesh orgy of dusty passion. All Ensure products are available in your local supermarket or convalescent hospital.

Ed. Note – This may be an ad but we are not sure.

Google Releases Girth, A Fully Explorable 3D Model of Sergey Brin’s Penis

Google Girth Logo

Subterranean Bunker, 2000 miles off the coast of North Korea – Google quietly released its latest web based technological advancement on Monday. It features a full 3D model of Google co-founder, Sergey Brin’s phallus. With Google Girth users can explore a 500 Tera-pixel representation of the computer scientist turned hydroponic meat farmer’s most private member. Comprised of 7000 intimate images of his penis, the new web application stitches these images together and overlays those on a 3D mesh created from a laser scan of the Russian born Brin’s foreskin and satchel. Beta testers were granted access to the web page earlier this month to rave reviews. A tester by the username mcgodalds stated, “I’ve always wonder what Sergey was packing, now I know. Thanks to the scale model and near infinite resolution, I can literally count the pubic hairs on his scrota. My favorite feature is the ability to bookmark your favorite locations and share them with your friends on Facebook, Twitter, MySpace and that other one, Google Plus I think.”

While initial excitement for the product has been building, some analysts have panned the website raising concerns over privacy. Lydia Salivastion, a stay at home mother of seven and part time startup investor expressed worries about the social aspects of the website. “I’m concerned with who sees what we look at on his member. I don’t see any privacy guarantees when I want to look at Mr. Brin’s delicious elbow skin. For example, if I want to Google Girth ‘Sergey’s perineum’ what advertisers see that query? Also, does the government have access to my Girth searches? I want privacy for my private, private viewing.”

No matter what the reaction, Google Girth’s popularity has grown exponentially since it went online. New users are required to sign up for a Google account at the site google.com/girth.

Op-ED: Wedding DJ Totally Off the Hook

Op-Ed by Assistant DJ Kyle

Awe yeah, check it! Bitches be all grovin’ to the smooth rhythm of my dawg here, DJ Snuggles. He’s like “the man” scratchin’ out the dopest songs from his dual iPod mixer for the Snader-Wilhelm wedding. I axed him “Yo, how you keep it fresh for the kids and the oldsters?” He put me in my place though. He all, “Dude shut up, it’s the father-daughter dance. Show some respect.” He be right but, then he gave me that look like, ‘Oh yeah it’s gonna be ON later.’

Assistant DJ, DJ Kyle claims Snader-Wilhelm wedding off the hizzook.

So he kept playing the slow jams but kept it real white bread, you know. It was the Neil Diamond shiz. I ain’t into that. But, you gotta make grandma happy until, she be like ‘Oh I’m like almost dead and, I gotta go change my Depends.’ That’s when I see DJ Snuggles big brain. He be all taking ‘erybody through time. Start off slow and old like, until Grandpa get tired and go to bed. Then bring that party music to the seventies and play some Kool and the Gang for the Moms and Dads. Awe yeah, ‘Celebrate good times. Come On.’

I feel it.

When the Snader mom be like too drunk to remember and she be stumblin’ out of the rented hall at the Double Tree in West Covina, DJ Snuggles turn up the bass and hit us with some CNC Music Factory. Everybody Dance, NOW! That be like a booty’ call to all the younger moms who just changed their 3000^th baby diaper and need get their groove back. Yeah they dance the best they can for people who be listening to Kidz Bop Vol. XIII for six years. It cool, fo sho.  Then they be clearing out of there at like 9:30 because the babysitter is only paid until 10:00. Plus, the sitter is half way pregnant from her boyfriend on the new leather couch. So young moms head out, but not before we all get down to some Rock Lobster and Grove is in the Heart.

Now the WesCove Double Tree is cleared out of all the oldsters and the midsters and moms and the party really gets going. The place explodes with some Skrillex and Daft Punk. The strobe lights be flashin’ like someone dialed 911. But, this is where DJ Snuggles shows all his mad skills. He be like throwin’ in some old school Jay Z and even slows it down with some Barry White. I know you all like ‘whaaaat?’ But my dog, DJ Snuggles, totally hit it just right. Not a dry panty in the house.

So now I gotta break down the equipment and pack it up ‘cause I’m just the assistant DJ, but someday. Someday, I’ll be bust out the sick beats like my dog, DJ Snuggles.

Middle Aged Woman Now Considered ‘Hottest Girl in the Office’

Montgomery Registers at 4.5 on the McJohnston Scale of Hotness

Pittsburgh, PA-Slightly over medicated 49 year old office manager, Elle-May Montgomery, received an unusual promotion on Friday. Since 1999, she has been a loyal employee at Sebsus International. But, in the male dominated world of fish hook and paperclip manufacturing, Montgomery is outnumbered six to one (men to women). The unbalanced ratio proved neither an advantage nor disadvantage for Montgomery. Then, receptionist Mary O’Shanty’s resignation on Friday disrupted the social structure of the office. Although unofficial and probably against company policy, Montgomery has risen to the status of ‘Hottest Girl in the Office’ by her male coworkers.

“I’m flattered by the promotion but, I’m embarrassed it took me a little while to realize I had assumed the role,” Montgomery said. “At first I thought it was just a coincidence. Some of the male staff started talking to me. Then, I received few random compliments and an invitation to lunch.” The office manager and mother of two finally realized that she had been elevated to ‘Hottest Girl’ when three different salesmen offered to help her carry some empty cardboard boxes to the storage room. “It just clicked in my head,” she said, “Aside from me, there are only two other women that work for this company.”

A review of the personnel files supports Montgomery’s claims. The only other two female employees are 73 year old accountant Eunice Smith and Shelly Thompson-Thompson. Thompson-Thompson is a 39 year old quadriplegic burn victim. She operates the fish hook press through a series of blinks and grunts on the factory floor. She is the youngest female employee and considered a hero for saving twenty orphans from a house fire. In spite of that, 25 of the 26 the male employees still classify her as ‘not hot.’ She falls between 0.0 and 1.0 on the McJohnston Scale of Hotness.* When asked about Montgomery’s good fortune, Thompson-Thompson replied with obvious jealousy, “Please just let me die. I cannot suffer any more. Please, I just want the pain to stop.”

Elle-May Montgomery promised to not let her new position over-inflate her self-esteem. But, she has recommended that the company appoint part time intern John [last name unknown by all employees] to the position of full time receptionist. That appointment would secure her role as ‘Hottest Girl in the Office’ for quite some time. There are currently no other open positions at the company.

Sebsus International is the leading manufacture of paper clips, fish hooks, and industrial waste in the tri-county area. The company has no connection to Sebsus International Bio-industrial Weapons Manufacturing where 25 year old accountant, Sophe Contableu, currently holds the number one hot spot.

*Developed by social scientist and fast food employee, Steven McJohnston. It quantifies female hotness on a scale 0-7.1 (where 0 = Lindsay Lohan today and 7.1 = Kate Bosworth.)

Ticketmaster Adds ‘Because We Can’ Fee to Tickets

Mumford and Sons will be the first performers to add the new fee to tickets.

Hollywood, Somewhere – Bono the oft described “Irish Rocker” and Ticketmaster CEO Nathan Somethingorother danced like giddy school girls as they spoke to reporters about a new fee that will be added to all transactions conducted through Ticketmaster. Somethingorother stated, “We are happy to announce the ‘Because We Can’ fee for the convenience of all our customers. It has been a long time coming. Ticketmaster really wanted to give something back to our customers after all the years of forced loyalty through our monopolistic practices. Is there a better way to show our appreciation than making ourselves slightly richer and milk additional dollars from the stupid mouth breathing public?” Bono then flipped the bird to the attendees and added “It’s not like you can do anything about it. And also screw you, you stupid slack jawed music fans.” Many U2 fans reportedly swooned and blogged about the greatness of the band.

This charge is in addition to the already controversial “convenience” fee and the cost for extra anal lubricant. Bono also reminded his fans that part of the ticket price went to Funding for al-Qaeda unspecified relief organizations to help something, something about Africa.

Most in attendance grumbled in irritation. Then, they pulled out their wallets and began showering the two with money. Mr. Somethingorother then laughed maniacally,  stripped naked, and rolled around in the wadded up cash. Bono later admitted that when he spoke of “Africa” was referring to his large mansion in a tax sheltering nation.

After his shameless display, Mr Somethingorother then spoke of future plans to retroactively add additional charges to concerts attended in the past.

Local Man Dismayed Old Starbuck’s Converted to New Starbuck’s

Starbucks logo has not changed but Waco residents feel the siren now looks down on them with pity.

Waco, TX-Carl Jordenson recently returned to his hometown after a stint in the military, a disappointing trip through community college, and a failed marriage. Growing up in Waco, Jordenson remembered the good ol’ boy feel of the town, his church, and his caffeine delivery companies. In high school, Jordenson remembered visiting the local Starbucks early mornings before class to pick up a solid cup of Joe and a small pastry. “I used to flirt with the cashier and get my caffeine fix at the same time. Things are different now,” says Jordenson, “it goes beyond just the physical remodel, updated decor, and the new chai drinks. There is just a slightly different feel to it. I don’t know what this country is coming to.” He is not alone in noticing the evolution that the town of 124,000 has experienced.

Onetime barista and current store manager ‘Chip’ agrees, “We had to move the counter back for safety and installed one of those sorting trash bins for paper and plastic. We added a new ice dispenser too. I actually like that. But the store lost a little something. I feel like we failed our customers, our town. I feel like we failed America.”

Some residents have complained that the new Starbucks has ruined Waco’s mid-2000’s charm. The quaint fear-of-terrorism driven commercialism that filled the busy downtown streets converted to flaccid, environmentally responsible commercialism. One lone passerby slurping a double Trenta Carmel Frapuiccino with whip quipped, “Everything changes, but by god, why do they have all these music CDs and sandwiches. I just want my coffee syrup type milkshake. What the hell kind of coffee is chai? Waco has lost something; we need our homogenized corporate fast food back to the way things used to be, like in the mid two thousands.”

Another resident noted that the McDonald’s on North Interstate 35 Frontage Road has converted to a Burger King. While complaints were minimal, an undercurrent of unease flows beneath the smiling faces of retail food drones. Corporate America is slightly changing.

Jordenson left his home town a little sad that the two-triple-aughts were gone. He remains steadfast and takes comfort in knowing that he will most probably become a Walmart greeter when his unemployment checks stop sometime in June.

Cow Dreams of Rotting in the Intestines of a Taco Bell Customer

Bessie a one thousand pound Hereford cow hopes to one day be ground up and served in a tasty all meat burrito. She feels that her dream can still come true although she is trapped on a small farm among hundreds of dairy cows. Speaking through cow whisperer, Dingo Yarrington, she expressed her dreams. Yarrington said, “I was hired to find out why Bessie was not producing the same at the other cows on the farm. Bessie expressed to me through a snort and sorrowful half moo that she would prefer to be ground up and

An undated photo of Bessie before the onset of her illness.

served at the nearest Taco Bell on First and Alejandro.” Yarrington then said that the cow did show signs of what he called Adolescent Bovine Self Harm Delusion. The cow whisperer described how she mooed and then chewed some cud and mooed again. Yarrington spoke about this behavior, “It surprised me. She described her deep emotional and highly detailed fantasies. She told me she hoped to one day rot in the intestines of an overweight Taco Bell customer. She spoke of slowly digesting away, causing painful stomach cramps to her unknowing host.”

At the cow whisperers request, Bessie’s owner Ace MacBandersage, placed the cow in a peaceful grassy knoll away from the other cows at the farm. Unfortunately this only exacerbated the condition and caused Bessie to rub against the barbed wire of the pen causing harm to the poor delusional Hereford.

Several new and questionable therapies were prescribed for the cow to help elevate her mood and milk production. MacBandersage stated, “We tried Alfalfa Aroma Therapy, Deep Steak Tissue Massage, Cowzac (TM), and the controversial Cattle Prod Electroshock Therapy. None of that worked.” To the dismay of both MacBandersage and the cow whisper, Bessie was tagged and sent to the Wilson-Grainery Meat Packing plant in Downtown Bent Fork, Wisconsin. According to her wishes, she was ground up, mixed with sawdust and other FDA approved fillers, bleached, bathed in ammonia, packed into square slabs of meat product, boxed, and shipped to various Taco Bell locations in the tri-county area. Parts of Bessie were last seen dangling under the double chin of an unusually sized Mexican fast food restaurant patron.

Obsessive Compulsive Garbage Man Finally Finishes First Route

Yerington, NV-After a harrowing three years as a sanitation worker, Randey Salanfork finally finished his first full route. The route, comprising of 50 homes and apartment complex trash receptacles, is usually completed in a matter of hours but, due to Salanfork’s condition, it took considerably longer. Diagnosed with obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD) in his early twenties he has had little control over his need to obsessively clean and wash his hands and anything he felt may be ‘tainted’. “I am burdened with my ticks…(1,2,3…wooh)…that make life more difficult but, I wouldn’t call it a disability…(1,2,3…wooh).” Salanfork said.

Salanfork was hired as a favor by Rodney Salanfork, District Manager of  Yerrington Municipal Waste Disposal and Randey’s reluctant brother. He officially began his route on July 5, 2009 and spent an entire day at the first receptacle. “First, I put on my disposable latex gloves. Next I put on my bio-hazard suit with respirator. And then, I just went to town. (1,2,3…wooh)” said Salanfork. “Next, I emptied the trash can into the truck. I held my breath the whole time I was sooooo nervous. Next, next, next, I noticed not all the trash had fallen out of the bottom of the receptacle. So I got my cleanup kit and started cleaning the can….(1,2,3…wooh).” Salanfork then went into nauseating detail on how he scrubbed and polished and cleaned the filth and ‘taint’ out of the trash can until it shone in that evenings sunset. His trainer for the day, Bud Justbud, had to leave Salanfork behind so that he could finish the rest of the route on his own. “I felt bad leaving him there but he just seemed so happy with his mop and bucket and cleaning supplies and acids and I don’t even know what” said Justbud. Justbud later  stated that he had to repeat the process on day 2 on their 2nd route, Randey stayed at the first stop and cleaned until all the ‘taint’ was gone.”

Initially Randey loved his job but trouble struck when Randy realized he was not fitting in with the rest of the crew. “We started making fun of him. Often, by asking him if something had ‘taint’ on it.  We would say ‘Hey Randey, does this look like taint to you?’ and we would all laugh.” Randey stated, “I thought I was getting along with the rest of the crew at the district. But then (1,2,3…wooh)…I…(2,3…wo)…I found out that they were just teasing me.” Randey had discovered through an internet search on a computer with a meticulously clean keyboard that ‘taint’ was a double entendre.  This was a betrayal to Randey and he fell into a depression.  He pulled himself together to get to work each day but he had lost his enthusiasm. “We started feeling bad for Salad-fork so we tried to cheer him up but nothing worked.” Jusbud stated dismayed.

After completing his first full route, Randey announced his retirement. Salanfork soon fell into a deeper into sadness and secluded himself in a Lysol filled air tight bubble. “I can keep out all the germs in the world,” Salanfork mused, “but I can’t keep out all the hurting(…two…three…woe.)”