Pope Adds ‘Spoiler Alert’ Tag to New Version of the Bible

The Pope makes a rare appearance in non traditional garb.

Originally published on December 20, 2012-Vatican City, Vatican – Pope Benedict XVI announced the release of an updated version of the Bible, last Tuesday.

Taking a break from giving excuses for past unconscionable behavior, Benedict announced the new version and discussed many of its features. The Pope stepped away from tradition by appearing in a black turtle neck on a stage with two white easy chairs and a large projected screen. The presentation began with a brief overview of the history of the book. Speaking through an interpreter he stated, “The bible is the best-selling book in history. In fact, last year, there were over 100 million sold. But we have seen stagnation in the features of the Good Book. So today I would like to introduce, the New Bible.” The audience fawned as a picture of a simple black book with no words on the cover appeared on the screen overhead.

The Pope then spoke about its new features, “We have simplified the cover so that it is a solid black single piece of leather; it is truly unibody construction. Our designers have selected the best paper for printing so that the New Bible is now 1.7 mm thinner than any other printed before it. It is also 28 grams lighter which, admittedly, dose not sound like much. But, when you hold it in your hand you will be amazed at the difference.” He then told the audience that it would be release March 14th. Immediately, the most faithful in attendance left the auditorium to go line up in front of churches to be one of the first to own a New Bible.

The Pope then revealed some of the new features inside, “While we left the contents the same, we did do some shuffling. Now, we placed the books in alphabetical order so that they could be found easier. Also for prophetic books, we added “Spoiler Alert” in red text for sections of prophecy that have not occurred yet. This is for the faithful who want to be surprised by the apocalypse.”

After the announcement, one critic panned the New Bible and said, “The Pope and company are just releasing the same dogma. It just has an improved cover and a few features. I mean do we really need a “spoiler alert” tag. I’ve never even opened my old Bible.” Another audience member complained, “The ten dollar price is not bad. But, I don’t want to get locked into a two year tithing contract. Especially with the weak services that my church has been having lately.”

The New Bible will be available on March 14th for Catholics only, on contract. But, it will become available to other faith carriers at an undisclosed later date.

90 Pound Model Considered ‘The Fat One’ Among Peers

New York, NY-Fashion model Amanda ‘Clarneesie’ Hutchinson is shaking up the modeling and fashion industry with her unique style and Lycra straining weight gain. The 6’2″ model stirred up the buzz when she premiered at New York Fashion Week carrying an additional 1.5 lbs. (0.68 kg) on her body. The added mass forced designers to squeeze her into a size 0 instead of the standard 00. “I like that she is taking chances”, says friend and fellow model Dernika, “To show up at Fashion Week so fat and still expect to go up. She is really brave.” To the surprise of many, her appearance was celebrated by most in attendance. Designer Fredrick Sanders gleefully embiggened Clarneesie’s dress by 0.2cm at the waist and a whole 0.5cm at the hips. Sanders stated, “It was a surprise to me when she showed up looking so huge. I was livid at first but I realized we could really grab the audience’s attention by putting a fat cow up there. It really worked.”

Her weight gain is not without is critics. 84lb (38kg) rival ShAneesie spoke out against the change, “With obesity on the rise worldwide, I think it’s careless to send this type of message. I totally saw Clarnessie eat two carrot sticks yesterday and she didn’t even throw it up afterward. It’s like she just wants to flaunt her weight. I think she might even be growing breasts. Disgusting.” Another model stated, “I think she is just getting lazy. She’s just letting herself go by gaining another pound. She said she skipped cardio this morning. Does she want to become a Lane Bryant model?”

Nobody reads the captions anymore.

With the controversy surrounding Clarnessie’s appearance, the model has taken the additional attention to further her career and speak out against the dangers of both obesity and anorexia. She stated, “Having now lived on both extremes of the scale, I think we put too much emphasis on weight. We all know the only thing that matters is looks. I think it’s ok to be a few pounds under or over weight, just don’t be ugly and things will go good for you.”

For further information on obesity and anorexia, just friggen’ Google it. Don’t be lazy.

4 Friends Completely Bored Watching Football

Anaheim, CA- Amidst the picturesque trees and well-manicured foliage of suburbia, four men commiserate the misery of Sunday football. Steve Lawrence, Spencer Haunches, Tyrone Tyrone, and Doug Hu sit in total boredom watching grown men scramble for an odd shaped ball on a 55 inch LCD screen. Lawrence, the host of the afternoon’s shitfest, admitted to his longtime girlfriend, “I hate football, but I’m not a very creative man. I wanted to have the guys over. So, I used football as an excuse. Go, team somethingorother!” Childhood friend Tyrone Tyrone said, “I have no idea what is going on with football. I just shout the last name of whoever the announcer just said and say ‘yeah!’ I have to keep it vague because I don’t know who to root for.”

Spencer Haunches doesn’t even pretend to like American Football.

Spencer Haunches sitting at the end of the couch is the most vocal about his dislike of American Football but admits that he puts up with it to hang out with his friends. He stated, “In my country we have no complicated sports like this football. I don’t get it. The balls over here now it’s there. Seriously, fuck. I’m so bored. At least there is free beer.” Doug Hu stares intensely at the pixilated pigskin bouncing around the television before him. His mind is with his wife who had plans to go to Ikea in the afternoon. Doug sips on his beer but imagines a delicious Swedish meatball meal for a reasonable price. He could be enjoying the meal with his wife. The word ‘shit’ slips from his mouth in dismay and Tyrone Tyrone looks over at him and says “I know. Sanderson, yeah?!?”

Lawrence regressed to quietly looking at Facebook on his phone but tried to be attentive to his guests. “Who needs a beer?” He yells over the exceedingly loud television.

“I’m good. Walther, yeah!”

“I’ll take one, Steve. You don’t have any meatballs do your?”

“I’ll get the beers, Steve. I don’t understand what’s going on with your crazy American game anyway.”

The boredom overwhelmed the group towards the end of the 4th quarter with the score tied and one minute on the clock. Lawrence suggested that since the game was almost over and one team or the other would eventually win they should go to the local Hooters for some celebratory wings and a pitcher. Tyrone Tyrone said, “Yeah boobs!” Hu responded, “Man, my wife has boobs. I could have been causally grabbing them all day with a stomach full of reasonably priced Ikea meatballs.” Spencer agreed, “I like American boobs.” It was then that Steve Lawrence remembered why he liked his friends so much: because boobs.

World Peace Declared After Mind Blowing Local Stand Up Performance

Pasadena, CA-An unprecedented display of benevolence and humanitarianism has exploded onto the world scene. Leaders from every major power (even some from those countries you can’t pronounce) have convened in Pasadena, California to sign a peace treaty that will end every major conflict on the globe today. The cause of this unprecedented show of brotherhood was traced to a simple gathering of likeminded individuals last Thursday night at The Ice House Comedy Club. What started as a simple comedy showcase hosted by veteran comedian Julie Sandoval, soon electrified the audience with a power house of local talent. The showcase featured comics Luke Turalitsch, Bruce McKinnon, Tania Bering, Michael Sabbatino, John Gerald, Kevin Bayley, and Evan Copage. The performer’s jocularity coated all in attendance with a sticky

Presidential Medal of Freedom nominee and stand up comedian Bruce McKinnon.

emotional layer of good cheer and love. As they left the show that night, the feelings spread from the attendees to nearby neighborhoods like a free flowing plague of happiness. Neighbors were no longer strangers; enemies became friends, and prison door opened as an outpouring of goodwill overtook resident’s common sense. Over the weekend, this force had spread across the US and began appearing internationally.

The Secretary-General of the United Nations, Ban Ki-moon, then called for an emergency United Nations conference to address the global issues involved when citizens in the global community are no longer “dicks.” He said, “Soldiers have laid down their guns, terrorists have laid down their explosive vests, and Bono from U2 has finally stopped talking about starving people in Africa from his mansion in Ireland. It is time we, as world leaders, respond to the calls of our constituents…or eliminate them so we can keep making money from war. Either way, I don’t really care.”

The comedians who performed last Thursday have all been nominated for a Presidential Medal of Freedom and the Nobel Peace prize. Some will also be performing at The Weekly Ice House Sunday Comedy Variety Show in September.

Op-ED: Wedding DJ Totally Off the Hook

Op-Ed by Assistant DJ Kyle

Awe yeah, check it! Bitches be all grovin’ to the smooth rhythm of my dawg here, DJ Snuggles. He’s like “the man” scratchin’ out the dopest songs from his dual iPod mixer for the Snader-Wilhelm wedding. I axed him “Yo, how you keep it fresh for the kids and the oldsters?” He put me in my place though. He all, “Dude shut up, it’s the father-daughter dance. Show some respect.” He be right but, then he gave me that look like, ‘Oh yeah it’s gonna be ON later.’

Assistant DJ, DJ Kyle claims Snader-Wilhelm wedding off the hizzook.

So he kept playing the slow jams but kept it real white bread, you know. It was the Neil Diamond shiz. I ain’t into that. But, you gotta make grandma happy until, she be like ‘Oh I’m like almost dead and, I gotta go change my Depends.’ That’s when I see DJ Snuggles big brain. He be all taking ‘erybody through time. Start off slow and old like, until Grandpa get tired and go to bed. Then bring that party music to the seventies and play some Kool and the Gang for the Moms and Dads. Awe yeah, ‘Celebrate good times. Come On.’

I feel it.

When the Snader mom be like too drunk to remember and she be stumblin’ out of the rented hall at the Double Tree in West Covina, DJ Snuggles turn up the bass and hit us with some CNC Music Factory. Everybody Dance, NOW! That be like a booty’ call to all the younger moms who just changed their 3000^th baby diaper and need get their groove back. Yeah they dance the best they can for people who be listening to Kidz Bop Vol. XIII for six years. It cool, fo sho.  Then they be clearing out of there at like 9:30 because the babysitter is only paid until 10:00. Plus, the sitter is half way pregnant from her boyfriend on the new leather couch. So young moms head out, but not before we all get down to some Rock Lobster and Grove is in the Heart.

Now the WesCove Double Tree is cleared out of all the oldsters and the midsters and moms and the party really gets going. The place explodes with some Skrillex and Daft Punk. The strobe lights be flashin’ like someone dialed 911. But, this is where DJ Snuggles shows all his mad skills. He be like throwin’ in some old school Jay Z and even slows it down with some Barry White. I know you all like ‘whaaaat?’ But my dog, DJ Snuggles, totally hit it just right. Not a dry panty in the house.

So now I gotta break down the equipment and pack it up ‘cause I’m just the assistant DJ, but someday. Someday, I’ll be bust out the sick beats like my dog, DJ Snuggles.

Ticketmaster Adds ‘Because We Can’ Fee to Tickets

Mumford and Sons will be the first performers to add the new fee to tickets.

Hollywood, Somewhere – Bono the oft described “Irish Rocker” and Ticketmaster CEO Nathan Somethingorother danced like giddy school girls as they spoke to reporters about a new fee that will be added to all transactions conducted through Ticketmaster. Somethingorother stated, “We are happy to announce the ‘Because We Can’ fee for the convenience of all our customers. It has been a long time coming. Ticketmaster really wanted to give something back to our customers after all the years of forced loyalty through our monopolistic practices. Is there a better way to show our appreciation than making ourselves slightly richer and milk additional dollars from the stupid mouth breathing public?” Bono then flipped the bird to the attendees and added “It’s not like you can do anything about it. And also screw you, you stupid slack jawed music fans.” Many U2 fans reportedly swooned and blogged about the greatness of the band.

This charge is in addition to the already controversial “convenience” fee and the cost for extra anal lubricant. Bono also reminded his fans that part of the ticket price went to Funding for al-Qaeda unspecified relief organizations to help something, something about Africa.

Most in attendance grumbled in irritation. Then, they pulled out their wallets and began showering the two with money. Mr. Somethingorother then laughed maniacally,  stripped naked, and rolled around in the wadded up cash. Bono later admitted that when he spoke of “Africa” was referring to his large mansion in a tax sheltering nation.

After his shameless display, Mr Somethingorother then spoke of future plans to retroactively add additional charges to concerts attended in the past.

Four Meddling Teenagers Found Murdered

Abandoned Amusement Park, VT-The bodies of four meddling teens were found at an old amusement park in upstate Vermont. Police discovered a gruesome scene of animal cruelty and violence after an anonymous call. The tip lead investigators to a warehouse in the maintenance area of the abandoned Uncle Funny’s Amusement Park. The bodies were discovered hidden under a blue tarp. Some thick rimmed glasses and an ascot were found at the scene along with pieces of a brown and black Great Dane. The only clue to the identity of the victims was a filthy aqua green mural van located outside the warehouse. Police say the van reeked of pot and brand named dog snacks.

Forensic investigators said the bodies of the victims looked mauled by someone in an animal costume. Lab reports indicated through hair analysis that the costume may have been a Yeti or Sasquatch.

Some makeshift traps were found near the crime scene. Investigators were unsure if the suspect or the victims set the net with a tripwire and a pit covered with a large tarp. Police have made no arrests but have listed old man Jenkins and a former disgruntled janitor as persons of interest. More information will be released as investigators make it available.

Raising Children in a Post Star Wars Prequel World

photo from george allen babcock

Entertainment Op-Ed by James the Overly Protective but Detached Paternal Unit

Children are born with innocence and wonder that drives them to discover all they can in the world. As protective yet distant parents, we want to encourage this sense of discovery, while protecting them from the instant death that the outside world brings. How do we approach this task while dividing our time with other more self-important pursuits? The answer of course is media.

Televisions, movies, and the Internets are excellent ways to prevent interaction with your children, feed their sense of discovery (there’s an app, channel, and  website for that), and protect them from sudden and unexpected death. But underneath the seductive protection of media lurks dangers of another kind: bad taste in movie selection.

Innocent and dull-witted, our children can be enticed by flashing lights, big explosions, and broadly drawn characters in ridiculous nonsensical plots. More specifically I am referring to the putrid rotting stench of the Prequels. I know, all fathers out there have dreamt of the day when they could take their two and two-thirds kids to the store to pick out light sabers in their favorite colors. Then rush them home and lord over a Force induced battle royal on the living room cushions. The only way to ignite in these types of shenanigans is to spark interest in the universe the Lord Lucas released in 1977. But how can you develop interest in the holy trinity of episodes four, five, and six without your children becoming aware of the dreadful Prequels.

On a tangent, some may say that the Prequels are not so bad for children to watch. For these naysayers I present to you the case study of my niece and nephew. For three years, from the ages of five to eight, my sister’s house was filled with “Meesa want this Annie” and “Midichlorians that Annie.” My sister lost the ability to speak and had to have her children put to sleep. Her husband left her and went on to become a transgender prostitute. All of this, because she let them watch episodes one, two, and three. This is a true story.

So three fingers deep into an Irish Whiskey rant, I’m left with the conundrum. Do I introduce my children to Star Wars and risk them discovering the Prequels on their own? Or do I hide all traces that the Star Wars universe exist like a fundamentalist Christian parent hell bent on deleting Harry Potter from history for his practice of witchcraft? I started to lean toward the latter when I remembered the GoBots. (Bear with me here as I’m now a fourth finger into my whiskey and it is only two o’clock.) As a kid I grew up loving the Transformers. The robots in disguise concept fed my imagination beyond what my abusive father and intellectually stunted mother thought possible. When the GoBots showed up with cheap molded plastic and horrible cartoon, I could smell the knock off like Axe body spray on a pubescent teen. I was six.

If I could sell the original trilogy as the Transformers and the prequels as the GoBots, the battle royal in my living room would be a definite possibility and I wouldn’t have to become a transgender prostitute after all. I set my plan in motion and forced my six and four year old to watch all 6 hours of the only REAL Star Wars movies in one sitting. Despite a few complaints of ‘I’m Hungry’ and ‘Can we please go outside now?’ I’m happy to say that my kids made it through.

The results: mostly indifference. And I think one of them peed on the couch. I’ll count that as a victory. Now where is my bottle of Irish Whiskey? Damn, kids always hide it because I get “Daddy Scary Face” on if I have too much.

Stay tuned for my next article Raising a Teen in a Post Matrix Reloaded/Revolutions World where I discuss hiding the aborted afterbirth of the sequels to the Wachowskis masterpiece.

Successful Actor Hopes to Make Enough Tips to Become a Full Time Waiter

Steven Stevenson hopes to finally quit Hollywood.

Pasadena, CA – Steven Stevenson is a marginally successful actor and stand-up comedian. He has appeared in several dozen commercials and even won some credited roles in ABC’s popular sitcom Ham-fisted Laugh Track and CBS’s now defunct drama Old People: Dying. But his work as an actor is only a paycheck while he works on his true career, waiting tables. Stevenson spoke briefly to MDT in an abandoned pig farm near Shafter, CA. In the interview he stated, “I’ve been living a sort of double life. My day job is acting and it pays the bills but, my dream is to take my career as a waiter to the next level.” As an actor, he could no longer buy in to all the glamour that Hollywood offered. And, in an existential crisis, Stevenson questioned his career choice.

When he first started acting, Stevenson knew that it wouldn’t be permanent. He stated, “Acting paid the bills but, it wasn’t my dream. Early on, I knew that slaving away in front of a live studio audience was not my calling.” As his career advanced, he pushed off his dreams of food service. He continued, “I woke up one morning and I just knew I couldn’t do it for the rest of my life. I wanted to live the dream.” He spent the next two weeks filling out applications and interviewing at local restaurants and pubs. He received a few call backs but nothing panned out. “Then it happened,” Stevenson stated excitedly, “I was finishing a 6 hour sex scene shoot with Kate Bosworth on the set of Old People, when my cell rang. I knew, I wasn’t supposed to have it on set but, I took a chance. It paid off.”

An assistant manager from an Applebee’s in Burbank was on the line. He offered Stevenson a greeter/host position starting at minimum wage but with a free meal when on the clock. “I was so excited, I screamed. I was jumping up and down. I was on cloud nine. A naked Kate Bosworth gave me a hug and congratulated me, but I noticed a bit of jealousy in her eyes. I whispered softly in her ear, ‘today me, tomorrow you.’ But, I didn’t let my success go to my head. I was starting my new career at the bottom.”

Stevenson has since been promoted to waiter at the Burbank Applebee’s and hopes to one day make enough tips to quit acting all together. He has put in for a transfer to the Applebee’s by the 405 where the customer volume is greater and he can make better money. He can still be seen in a recurring role as Friend Number 2 on the Fox action drama Fist Full of Bullet Holes: Explosion.

Disney Enlists Jerry Bruckheimer to Direct Star Wars Sequel

Hollywood, CA – In a rush to cash in on the short lived franchise Star Wars, Disney is enlisting the help of critically acclaimed filmic maestro Jerry Bruckheimer. Known for his emotionally subtle and poignant directing, Bruckheimer will rebooting the Star Wars movies and bring a fresh perspective. Disney CEO Bob Iger stated, “We are pleased to bring Mr. Bruckheimer’s unique artistic sensibilities to the faltering Star Wars series.”

At the press conference, Bruckheimer was asked if he had any ideas for the new movie. He said, “I never watched the other movies, so, I know I can bring a fresh view to the series.” When asked to elaborate on potential plot lines, he said, “What if

Jerry Bruckheimer rambling something about Bruce Willis, Ben Affleck, and Johnny Depp.

Vader isn’t Luke’s father? What if the Star Wars universe only exists in the imagination of a retarded Shia LaBeouf? What if the force is really just a mystical power that surrounds us and not a disease in the bloodstream of a few? I have a few other ideas. We have not fully explored them yet, but I’ll bang a script out in the next few minutes.”

Iger then recommended that fans get in line now for a move that will be in every theater, play for a long time at said theaters, be available on DVD (but not Blu-Ray or iTunes), and cable TV after that. He then said, “We will focus on making movies that will please the fans by digging deeper into the wonderful and colorful characters in Star Wars. We will also balance that with enough explosions to appease the knuckle dragging mass of idiots that just like to watch shiny things…” Bruckheimer interrupted Iger by saying, “What if the huge spaceships of the Empire transform into Ninja Turtles and fight with the Jedi? Ooooooor, what if, what if, Luke and Solo and that harry creature guy that can’t talk, what if, they go on a road trip across Australia? Do you see the potential for a great movie? Oh, wait, what if an asteroid is headed for Tatooine and Luke has to assemble a rag tag group of clichéd Jedi characters to use their mind force powers to push the asteroid over to the Empire side of the galaxy? Oh my god, are we making more than one movie? How many x’s are in the word explosion? I think we need to add a few more.” Bruckheimer then rambled on about other potential plots with more holes than could be counted. He then sat down on the sage and, rocking back and forth, said “Shia LaBeouf, Shia LaBeouf, Shia LaBeouf.” He changed the phonetic emphasis of the name each time he spoke. This continued until all in attendance were thoroughly creeped out.

Hollywood economists have estimated that the new movie could generate as much as fifteen kajillion dollars in gross revenue and even more with emerging global markets. The estimated release date for the new move will be the summer of 2015.