Clown College Frat Party Surprisingly Tame

Breckenhurst, MO-Expectations for an absurdly amusing time were dashed as party goers arrived at the Bonjour La Femme Fraternity in Breckenhurst Clown College. Many of the invitees were expecting quite a wild and whimsical night of heavy drinking, along with comedic physical innuendo. Mary Eldergist, a first time attendee, said, “I was expecting a bit more tomfoolery. This shindig turned out to be more like a state dinner with the governor.” Another anonymous partygoer stated, “They had drinks but no one really got drunk. I was expecting some wild times. Where are the trampolines? Where are the tiny clown cars? Give me something!”

The Bonjour La Femme Fraternity President, Steven “the fart sensation” McTraverson

Clown prepares for final trials before his ascension.

stated “We spend all week studying hard for pie throwing exams and balloon animal certifications. The last thing we want to do to relax is entertain our guests with more brutal shenanigans. It would be too exhausting.” The president also noted that the History of Circus and the Media finals are next week and a few of the students will need to pull an all-night clown session to pass.

Fraternity Brother James “rubber chicken chucker” el Naranja complained, “I’ve got a full course load this year. I have 2 units on Banana Slipping 101 and another 4 units in Oversized Shoes 104. I can’t get drunk and wild tonight. My CPA (Clown Point Average) would slip to unfunny levels.”

A visiting guest did have one to many green apple martinis and stumbled around the room pretending to be a mime. He then placed a lampshade on his head and passed out on the couch. El Naranja stated, “Yeah, I saw that guy. A lampshade? That is so cliché and unfunny. I bet that guy still thinks Charlie Chaplin is a genius. I mean, has he even studied Keaton, or Arbuckle? Marceau was doing that stuff in the 40’s, come on!”

The Dean of Physical Clowning released a statement that the police and the fire department were called to the scene but, the call was due to car parked in front of a fire hydrant.

Kate Bosworth Maximalst Feels Hollywood Should Put Actress In More Movies

Hollywood, CA–Never one to back away from a fight, Brion Yerrington is soliciting for change. He is single-handedly challenging major movie studios practices regarding stereotypes and casting. Some have called him a one man army, others a hero of the defenseless. Most definitely, he is a huge fan of Kate Bosworth. But, no matter what your opinion, his determination is not something to be ignored, unless of course you are a highly paid studio executive or even slightly rational.

Actress Kate Bosworth disavows any association with the Bosworth Maximalist Society.

Yerrington is the head of the national Bosworth Maximalist Society or BMS and his views have struck a chord with the nation. In an exclusive interview with MDT, Yerrington declared his three point platform for Hollywood reform. Yerrington stated “the most excellent Miss Bosworth is so much more than a pretty face. She is also hot and playful and sexy and not a terrible actress.” He immediately opened up his wallet and showed the various publicity and magazine shots that he has collected over the years.
“Ever since her first appearance as student in background #14 on 7th Heaven in 1996, she has captured the imagination of Americans, nay, the world. This is why I am proposing to the Hollywood glitterati my 3 demands for the betterment of the world.” Yerrington was a little bit winded from that diatribe and took a moment to compose himself. He continued, “One, we need more Kate Bosworth in movies. The world can’t get enough of her. Two, entertainment television shows need to feature her in at least two episodes per week. And three, we need a Kate Bosworth Christmas Album. Um, I’m not sure about that one.” Yerrington has been head of the BMS since he took over the reins from Sasha McFlavian. McFlavian was arrested outside Bosworth’s West Los Angeles home with a video camera and other personal items. Yerrington said, “Sasha was a true Bosworth fan. He loved her as we all do but he took that love to a dark place. I don’t like to talk about that.” McFlavian is serving 18 months in Chino for aggravated assault on an officer and stalking.
Support for Yerrington has been growing as more men between the ages of 18-32 have been signing up for the group. Yerrington is also writing a book. “It is not near complete but the title is, Getting More Bosworth in Your Life and Making the Most of the Bosworth You Have.” Yerrington’s book lays out his unsolicited plans to promote and support Kate Bosworth. It also describes where to find out more information about her, where she lives, what her favorites foods are, and includes a sample of her hair. The book is dedicated to Bosworth, Sasha McFlavian, and Angela Yerrington (Brion’s mother).

Hologram Tupac Gunned Down in Possible Gang Related Shooting

New York, NY-After an amazing comeback concert at the Coachella Valley Music Festival and a successful tour with West Coast rapper Snoop Dogg, holographic Tupac Shakur was killed in a hail of virtual gun fire. At approximately 10:22pm last Saturday, the holographic rapper was shot six times while leaving a club in New York. Computer and lighting technicians were called to the scene but were unable to revive him beyond a command prompt, even after a reboot. He was pronounced dead at the scene.

When news of his virtual death was released on Sunday his album sales skyrocketed. Also, many fans mourned his passing with flowers placed outside the club. Some were virtually inconsolable.

Coincidentally, an album with all new material will be released next week. And Tupac Shakur’s program manager said there is a plan to release six more in the next year.

One fan who had just asked for an autograph before the murder said he heard Tupac say “Not again…101100111010!” before shutting down.
No arrests have been made although, a holographic Suge Knight was downloaded for questioning. No bystanders were hurt in the shooting although one holographic bodyguard suffered minor data corruption.

90 Percent of Local Man’s Conversation is Old Movie Quotes

Chicago, IL-In his soft shuffle to the ever widening aperture of madness, Roddy McDoubter, pulls from his encyclopedic knowledge of old films to communicate in social situations. While attending the ‘Flash Mixer’ at the Greater Chicago Rotary Club, McDoubter was seen conversing almost entirely with movie quotes. As he approached a loose collection of likeminded individuals, an anonymous member of the group asked him “How’s it going today?” McDoubter retorted with “I’m the king of the world” to the wet slickness of much eye rolling.  Un-phased acquaintance Marabella Ronches asked “How is your Mom? Is she still in the hospital?” The response was not well received as McDoubter spoke in a poor cockney accent “Don’t bury me, I’m not dead yet!” An uncomfortable and possibly psychotic laugh followed.
A psychiatrist and eavesdropping ‘Flash Mixer’ attendee commented that he had never seen such behavior but likened the condition to a classic social fallback. “Roddy may be using horribly clichéd movie lines as some may use humor in a defense mechanism, but Roddy isn’t funny or entertaining. It’s kinda just sad.”  The unnamed psychiatrist then grimaced as he heard McDoubter exclaim “You had me at hello.” McDoubter’s face looked as if he as just eaten a sour candy or lemon.
Marabella Ronches stated later, after excusing herself from the group McDoubder had parasitically attached, “When I first met McDoubter I thought he was just a big movie buff.  Now that I think about it, he may have had a stroke or aneurysm that, like, deleted all his conversational ability.”
One close friend to McDoubter said “I asked him about the way he talked, and I told him he should see a doctor because what if he had a condition or something.”  The friend looked around and an emotional moistness betrayed his visage. “He said ‘It’s not a tuma, It’s not a tuma at all’ in this, like, horrible Austrian accent. I mean, if he is gonna’ quote something does it have to be Kindergarten Cop.”

Technology: Motorola Launches New Phone Technology That Hides the Disapoinment in Your Parents Voice

Libertyville, IL – The nations third largest manufacture of consumer products has released a new technology that will revolutionize communication. Motorola Mobility announced Tuesday that the new feature called “UCallHome” will change the way you make voice calls to your parents. The technology uses enhanced digital signal processing to mask and sometimes completely eliminate the sound of disappointment from your mother and father’s voice.
Motorola CTO, and thankless son, Robuel Elderjist stated, “Lets face it, our customers are a complete disappointment to their parents in almost every way, really. We can’t change that. But, with the new UCallHome feature we can at least soften the grating criticism and worried but self-serving undertone of the conversations between parents and their adult children.” The technology takes the depressing and shameful electromagnetic signals that come from your parents, especially your mother, and uses patented technology to analyze the signal. The signal is then rated on a scale of reactionary presets from college expulsion to grandchild birth and is processed accordingly. “The genius of the new feature is its subtlety,” said Elderjist, who still has not called is mother, even though she had a bad fall last week and hurt her shin, and had to go to the doctor, and she knows he knows about the fall because she left a message on his voice machine, “The actual words that your parents say are not altered. Only the whiny tone and warbled pleas are altered causing resentful statements to sound at worst dismissive and at best encouraging.”
she is prgnant although still not married
Tech blogger ‘Angela’ calls her parents to tell them she is pregnant but unmarried. .
Reaction to technology was originally skeptical. Early beta tester of the technology Rhonda McJohnston said “To be honest, the tech didn’t work with my mother at first. It missed the nuanced racism of her undermining statements about how I will never find a good ‘white’ man if I didn’t lose some weight. But after an update to the software that included the Sarcastic Undertone Engine v1.4, it locked on to my mothers speech patterns and we have been much closer since. I only dread visiting her in person now. I don’t get physically ill when she calls and I’ve almost completely stopped calling my therapist after I talk to my mother.” 
At the press conference, several unconvinced reporters asked questions like “What if I call and ask for money?” and “Will thiths help if I need to, like, “come out” to my parenths?” In a surprise demonstration, Elderjist called up his long time assistant Mary P____ and had her call her conservative mid-western father and tell him that she was not in fact engaged but only sleeping with her short time boyfriend. To the audience’s delight, the conversation goes over smoothy and ends politely. Applause from the disappointing sons and directionless and thankless daughters in attendance erupted.
After the announcement Motorola stock rose a respectable 10%, but that doesn’t matter because you’ve never held a job long enough to even think about investing. And that’s why you don’t have a girlfriend because you are too irresponsible and whydon’tyoucallyourmothermore?

Movie Review: Random Explosions with Interspersed Grunty Monosyllabic Dialog

The Internet, USA – (A guest post by fifteen-year-old Twitter junkie Chase McChaserton who mostly cut and paste results from the hash tag #random_explosions.)

Wow this movie!!! Just wow!!!!! Lol you guys coming? @[name withheld] The explosions looked so realistic I’m having flashbacks #lololol!!! Did you guys get what he said at the end, “Save the last dance for Tango!” #spoiler OMG yeah they will totally make a sequel. Don’t you guys think that there was excessive murder of innocent security guards and contractors @chasethemace? Na, it was for the artistics of good explosions versus bad explosions. The good explosions kill the bad guys. And then the bad explosions scorch the good guys. #lololl.

Foolz, all you! This movie was crap but OK. I like the explosion. But there was no plot. Rt:rt: Foolz you! No there was a good story tho. @consuelotheorange sayed it best, explosion tells the story and the grunts of Tango represent the struggle of oppressed minorities struggling against oppression of the oppressv bad Man.

@[name withheld] you may say @chasethemace Is it really good? Like Pearl Harbour good? Finally, if you like explosions and a few robots Tango is the man for you. @[name withheld]

Celebrity Gossip: Bono Breaks Up with Bono

Dublin, Ireland-Aging “rocker” and activist Bono is rumored to have ended his long standing relationship with himself.  According to some close associates, including one band member, Bono has ended his 24 year long love affair with himself. Fans of Bono and U2 were stunned and some were so shocked they stopped posting about U2 for 10 god-damn seconds on Facebook and Twitter.

Speaking off the record, one long time member of U2’s management team stated that she was surprised when she heard. She stated, “Bono was a bit of a loner when the band first started.  He dated some groupies but nothing serious. No one could love him the way he needed. Then, he realized the love he needed was right there with him the whole time.” She later said she thought that Bono and Bono were one of few couples in ‘rock n’ roll’ truly in love. Another associate of Bono commented that celebrity relationships are notoriously short and “Bono should be happy that it lasted 24 years.” One fan stated between Facebook posts about U2, “If Bono can’t love himself, what chance does anyone have at finding true love.”
The rumors were almost confirmed when Larry Mullen stated in a band interview, “Things were getting rocky between them and …” But Bono interrupted him by asking if they could stop everything and talk about Africa for just a second.  Bono then made everyone feel bad about having enough food to eat today and charged everyone $120.00 plus fees for tickets to his next concert.