Raising Children in a Post Star Wars Prequel World

photo from george allen babcock

Entertainment Op-Ed by James the Overly Protective but Detached Paternal Unit

Children are born with innocence and wonder that drives them to discover all they can in the world. As protective yet distant parents, we want to encourage this sense of discovery, while protecting them from the instant death that the outside world brings. How do we approach this task while dividing our time with other more self-important pursuits? The answer of course is media.

Televisions, movies, and the Internets are excellent ways to prevent interaction with your children, feed their sense of discovery (there’s an app, channel, and  website for that), and protect them from sudden and unexpected death. But underneath the seductive protection of media lurks dangers of another kind: bad taste in movie selection.

Innocent and dull-witted, our children can be enticed by flashing lights, big explosions, and broadly drawn characters in ridiculous nonsensical plots. More specifically I am referring to the putrid rotting stench of the Prequels. I know, all fathers out there have dreamt of the day when they could take their two and two-thirds kids to the store to pick out light sabers in their favorite colors. Then rush them home and lord over a Force induced battle royal on the living room cushions. The only way to ignite in these types of shenanigans is to spark interest in the universe the Lord Lucas released in 1977. But how can you develop interest in the holy trinity of episodes four, five, and six without your children becoming aware of the dreadful Prequels.

On a tangent, some may say that the Prequels are not so bad for children to watch. For these naysayers I present to you the case study of my niece and nephew. For three years, from the ages of five to eight, my sister’s house was filled with “Meesa want this Annie” and “Midichlorians that Annie.” My sister lost the ability to speak and had to have her children put to sleep. Her husband left her and went on to become a transgender prostitute. All of this, because she let them watch episodes one, two, and three. This is a true story.

So three fingers deep into an Irish Whiskey rant, I’m left with the conundrum. Do I introduce my children to Star Wars and risk them discovering the Prequels on their own? Or do I hide all traces that the Star Wars universe exist like a fundamentalist Christian parent hell bent on deleting Harry Potter from history for his practice of witchcraft? I started to lean toward the latter when I remembered the GoBots. (Bear with me here as I’m now a fourth finger into my whiskey and it is only two o’clock.) As a kid I grew up loving the Transformers. The robots in disguise concept fed my imagination beyond what my abusive father and intellectually stunted mother thought possible. When the GoBots showed up with cheap molded plastic and horrible cartoon, I could smell the knock off like Axe body spray on a pubescent teen. I was six.

If I could sell the original trilogy as the Transformers and the prequels as the GoBots, the battle royal in my living room would be a definite possibility and I wouldn’t have to become a transgender prostitute after all. I set my plan in motion and forced my six and four year old to watch all 6 hours of the only REAL Star Wars movies in one sitting. Despite a few complaints of ‘I’m Hungry’ and ‘Can we please go outside now?’ I’m happy to say that my kids made it through.

The results: mostly indifference. And I think one of them peed on the couch. I’ll count that as a victory. Now where is my bottle of Irish Whiskey? Damn, kids always hide it because I get “Daddy Scary Face” on if I have too much.

Stay tuned for my next article Raising a Teen in a Post Matrix Reloaded/Revolutions World where I discuss hiding the aborted afterbirth of the sequels to the Wachowskis masterpiece.

Successful Actor Hopes to Make Enough Tips to Become a Full Time Waiter

Steven Stevenson hopes to finally quit Hollywood.

Pasadena, CA – Steven Stevenson is a marginally successful actor and stand-up comedian. He has appeared in several dozen commercials and even won some credited roles in ABC’s popular sitcom Ham-fisted Laugh Track and CBS’s now defunct drama Old People: Dying. But his work as an actor is only a paycheck while he works on his true career, waiting tables. Stevenson spoke briefly to MDT in an abandoned pig farm near Shafter, CA. In the interview he stated, “I’ve been living a sort of double life. My day job is acting and it pays the bills but, my dream is to take my career as a waiter to the next level.” As an actor, he could no longer buy in to all the glamour that Hollywood offered. And, in an existential crisis, Stevenson questioned his career choice.

When he first started acting, Stevenson knew that it wouldn’t be permanent. He stated, “Acting paid the bills but, it wasn’t my dream. Early on, I knew that slaving away in front of a live studio audience was not my calling.” As his career advanced, he pushed off his dreams of food service. He continued, “I woke up one morning and I just knew I couldn’t do it for the rest of my life. I wanted to live the dream.” He spent the next two weeks filling out applications and interviewing at local restaurants and pubs. He received a few call backs but nothing panned out. “Then it happened,” Stevenson stated excitedly, “I was finishing a 6 hour sex scene shoot with Kate Bosworth on the set of Old People, when my cell rang. I knew, I wasn’t supposed to have it on set but, I took a chance. It paid off.”

An assistant manager from an Applebee’s in Burbank was on the line. He offered Stevenson a greeter/host position starting at minimum wage but with a free meal when on the clock. “I was so excited, I screamed. I was jumping up and down. I was on cloud nine. A naked Kate Bosworth gave me a hug and congratulated me, but I noticed a bit of jealousy in her eyes. I whispered softly in her ear, ‘today me, tomorrow you.’ But, I didn’t let my success go to my head. I was starting my new career at the bottom.”

Stevenson has since been promoted to waiter at the Burbank Applebee’s and hopes to one day make enough tips to quit acting all together. He has put in for a transfer to the Applebee’s by the 405 where the customer volume is greater and he can make better money. He can still be seen in a recurring role as Friend Number 2 on the Fox action drama Fist Full of Bullet Holes: Explosion.

Disney Enlists Jerry Bruckheimer to Direct Star Wars Sequel

Hollywood, CA – In a rush to cash in on the short lived franchise Star Wars, Disney is enlisting the help of critically acclaimed filmic maestro Jerry Bruckheimer. Known for his emotionally subtle and poignant directing, Bruckheimer will rebooting the Star Wars movies and bring a fresh perspective. Disney CEO Bob Iger stated, “We are pleased to bring Mr. Bruckheimer’s unique artistic sensibilities to the faltering Star Wars series.”

At the press conference, Bruckheimer was asked if he had any ideas for the new movie. He said, “I never watched the other movies, so, I know I can bring a fresh view to the series.” When asked to elaborate on potential plot lines, he said, “What if

Jerry Bruckheimer rambling something about Bruce Willis, Ben Affleck, and Johnny Depp.

Vader isn’t Luke’s father? What if the Star Wars universe only exists in the imagination of a retarded Shia LaBeouf? What if the force is really just a mystical power that surrounds us and not a disease in the bloodstream of a few? I have a few other ideas. We have not fully explored them yet, but I’ll bang a script out in the next few minutes.”

Iger then recommended that fans get in line now for a move that will be in every theater, play for a long time at said theaters, be available on DVD (but not Blu-Ray or iTunes), and cable TV after that. He then said, “We will focus on making movies that will please the fans by digging deeper into the wonderful and colorful characters in Star Wars. We will also balance that with enough explosions to appease the knuckle dragging mass of idiots that just like to watch shiny things…” Bruckheimer interrupted Iger by saying, “What if the huge spaceships of the Empire transform into Ninja Turtles and fight with the Jedi? Ooooooor, what if, what if, Luke and Solo and that harry creature guy that can’t talk, what if, they go on a road trip across Australia? Do you see the potential for a great movie? Oh, wait, what if an asteroid is headed for Tatooine and Luke has to assemble a rag tag group of clichéd Jedi characters to use their mind force powers to push the asteroid over to the Empire side of the galaxy? Oh my god, are we making more than one movie? How many x’s are in the word explosion? I think we need to add a few more.” Bruckheimer then rambled on about other potential plots with more holes than could be counted. He then sat down on the sage and, rocking back and forth, said “Shia LaBeouf, Shia LaBeouf, Shia LaBeouf.” He changed the phonetic emphasis of the name each time he spoke. This continued until all in attendance were thoroughly creeped out.

Hollywood economists have estimated that the new movie could generate as much as fifteen kajillion dollars in gross revenue and even more with emerging global markets. The estimated release date for the new move will be the summer of 2015.

Clown College Frat Party Surprisingly Tame

Breckenhurst, MO-Expectations for an absurdly amusing time were dashed as party goers arrived at the Bonjour La Femme Fraternity in Breckenhurst Clown College. Many of the invitees were expecting quite a wild and whimsical night of heavy drinking, along with comedic physical innuendo. Mary Eldergist, a first time attendee, said, “I was expecting a bit more tomfoolery. This shindig turned out to be more like a state dinner with the governor.” Another anonymous partygoer stated, “They had drinks but no one really got drunk. I was expecting some wild times. Where are the trampolines? Where are the tiny clown cars? Give me something!”

The Bonjour La Femme Fraternity President, Steven “the fart sensation” McTraverson

Clown prepares for final trials before his ascension.

stated “We spend all week studying hard for pie throwing exams and balloon animal certifications. The last thing we want to do to relax is entertain our guests with more brutal shenanigans. It would be too exhausting.” The president also noted that the History of Circus and the Media finals are next week and a few of the students will need to pull an all-night clown session to pass.

Fraternity Brother James “rubber chicken chucker” el Naranja complained, “I’ve got a full course load this year. I have 2 units on Banana Slipping 101 and another 4 units in Oversized Shoes 104. I can’t get drunk and wild tonight. My CPA (Clown Point Average) would slip to unfunny levels.”

A visiting guest did have one to many green apple martinis and stumbled around the room pretending to be a mime. He then placed a lampshade on his head and passed out on the couch. El Naranja stated, “Yeah, I saw that guy. A lampshade? That is so cliché and unfunny. I bet that guy still thinks Charlie Chaplin is a genius. I mean, has he even studied Keaton, or Arbuckle? Marceau was doing that stuff in the 40’s, come on!”

The Dean of Physical Clowning released a statement that the police and the fire department were called to the scene but, the call was due to car parked in front of a fire hydrant.

Kate Bosworth Maximalst Feels Hollywood Should Put Actress In More Movies

Hollywood, CA–Never one to back away from a fight, Brion Yerrington is soliciting for change. He is single-handedly challenging major movie studios practices regarding stereotypes and casting. Some have called him a one man army, others a hero of the defenseless. Most definitely, he is a huge fan of Kate Bosworth. But, no matter what your opinion, his determination is not something to be ignored, unless of course you are a highly paid studio executive or even slightly rational.

Actress Kate Bosworth disavows any association with the Bosworth Maximalist Society.

Yerrington is the head of the national Bosworth Maximalist Society or BMS and his views have struck a chord with the nation. In an exclusive interview with MDT, Yerrington declared his three point platform for Hollywood reform. Yerrington stated “the most excellent Miss Bosworth is so much more than a pretty face. She is also hot and playful and sexy and not a terrible actress.” He immediately opened up his wallet and showed the various publicity and magazine shots that he has collected over the years.
“Ever since her first appearance as student in background #14 on 7th Heaven in 1996, she has captured the imagination of Americans, nay, the world. This is why I am proposing to the Hollywood glitterati my 3 demands for the betterment of the world.” Yerrington was a little bit winded from that diatribe and took a moment to compose himself. He continued, “One, we need more Kate Bosworth in movies. The world can’t get enough of her. Two, entertainment television shows need to feature her in at least two episodes per week. And three, we need a Kate Bosworth Christmas Album. Um, I’m not sure about that one.” Yerrington has been head of the BMS since he took over the reins from Sasha McFlavian. McFlavian was arrested outside Bosworth’s West Los Angeles home with a video camera and other personal items. Yerrington said, “Sasha was a true Bosworth fan. He loved her as we all do but he took that love to a dark place. I don’t like to talk about that.” McFlavian is serving 18 months in Chino for aggravated assault on an officer and stalking.
Support for Yerrington has been growing as more men between the ages of 18-32 have been signing up for the group. Yerrington is also writing a book. “It is not near complete but the title is, Getting More Bosworth in Your Life and Making the Most of the Bosworth You Have.” Yerrington’s book lays out his unsolicited plans to promote and support Kate Bosworth. It also describes where to find out more information about her, where she lives, what her favorites foods are, and includes a sample of her hair. The book is dedicated to Bosworth, Sasha McFlavian, and Angela Yerrington (Brion’s mother).

Hologram Tupac Gunned Down in Possible Gang Related Shooting

New York, NY-After an amazing comeback concert at the Coachella Valley Music Festival and a successful tour with West Coast rapper Snoop Dogg, holographic Tupac Shakur was killed in a hail of virtual gun fire. At approximately 10:22pm last Saturday, the holographic rapper was shot six times while leaving a club in New York. Computer and lighting technicians were called to the scene but were unable to revive him beyond a command prompt, even after a reboot. He was pronounced dead at the scene.

When news of his virtual death was released on Sunday his album sales skyrocketed. Also, many fans mourned his passing with flowers placed outside the club. Some were virtually inconsolable.

Coincidentally, an album with all new material will be released next week. And Tupac Shakur’s program manager said there is a plan to release six more in the next year.

One fan who had just asked for an autograph before the murder said he heard Tupac say “Not again…101100111010!” before shutting down.
No arrests have been made although, a holographic Suge Knight was downloaded for questioning. No bystanders were hurt in the shooting although one holographic bodyguard suffered minor data corruption.

90 Percent of Local Man’s Conversation is Old Movie Quotes

Chicago, IL-In his soft shuffle to the ever widening aperture of madness, Roddy McDoubter, pulls from his encyclopedic knowledge of old films to communicate in social situations. While attending the ‘Flash Mixer’ at the Greater Chicago Rotary Club, McDoubter was seen conversing almost entirely with movie quotes. As he approached a loose collection of likeminded individuals, an anonymous member of the group asked him “How’s it going today?” McDoubter retorted with “I’m the king of the world” to the wet slickness of much eye rolling.  Un-phased acquaintance Marabella Ronches asked “How is your Mom? Is she still in the hospital?” The response was not well received as McDoubter spoke in a poor cockney accent “Don’t bury me, I’m not dead yet!” An uncomfortable and possibly psychotic laugh followed.
A psychiatrist and eavesdropping ‘Flash Mixer’ attendee commented that he had never seen such behavior but likened the condition to a classic social fallback. “Roddy may be using horribly clichéd movie lines as some may use humor in a defense mechanism, but Roddy isn’t funny or entertaining. It’s kinda just sad.”  The unnamed psychiatrist then grimaced as he heard McDoubter exclaim “You had me at hello.” McDoubter’s face looked as if he as just eaten a sour candy or lemon.
Marabella Ronches stated later, after excusing herself from the group McDoubder had parasitically attached, “When I first met McDoubter I thought he was just a big movie buff.  Now that I think about it, he may have had a stroke or aneurysm that, like, deleted all his conversational ability.”
One close friend to McDoubter said “I asked him about the way he talked, and I told him he should see a doctor because what if he had a condition or something.”  The friend looked around and an emotional moistness betrayed his visage. “He said ‘It’s not a tuma, It’s not a tuma at all’ in this, like, horrible Austrian accent. I mean, if he is gonna’ quote something does it have to be Kindergarten Cop.”