Cheney Emerges, Sees Shadow, Promises 6 More Years of Iraq War

chenyWashington DC – Former Vice President Dick Cheney emerged from his underground bunker after publishing an Op-Ed column in the Wall Street Journal amid an excited crowd of elite onlookers.  Secret Service agents quickly surrounded him and escorted him safely to the ceremonial podium. For the last 9 years Americans have anxiously watched Cheney’s behavior to determine if he can actually see his shadow. Tradition holds that if the former Vice President sees his shadow war will continue in Iraq for 6 more years.

As the Secret Service parted to momentarily expose him to the public it was evident that the pasty white old man did infact see his shadow. In fact, for the last 8 years the warmongering profiteer has seen a shadow or a resemblance of a shadow on the ground near his feet. Many of the corporate elite in attendance cheered and wept with excitement. Some dried their tears on $100 bills while others homoerotically hugged and pressed their hips together. The former Vice President then thanked the crowd for coming and popped a bottle of champagne. He raised his glass and said, “Here’s to another 100,000 or so innocent civilian deaths.” The crowd applauded and then quickly dispersed into their black SUVs and limousines for the traditional old people flesh orgy.

The former Vice President then quickly shapeshifted into his true reptilian form and slithered under a rock.

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US Congressman Tests Positive for Human-like Traits

Sniderdon-Accused of tolerance and reasonableness.

Sniderdon-Accused of tolerance and reasonableness.

Washington, DC – A young Republican representative from North Carolina, Jack Sniderton, has been placed on immediate probation after failing a standard drug screening test required for all members of Congress. In recent months, Sinderton has fallen under harsh criticisms from both Republican and Democrat peers for showing excessive amounts of logic and thoughtfulness. Allegations of compassion and reasonableness for both his contemporaries and his constituents have dogged the new member of congress since he was elected a year ago. Some have accused him of working on insightful legislation that was not poorly written and rushed. Democratic Senator from California, Dianne Feinstein, said, “Sniderton is a perfect example of a naive but corrupted first termer. I’ve heard that some have seen him come in to the office with hope in his eyes and a positive outlook. When I have interacted with him, I sometimes suspect that he has his constituent’s best interest at heart. I hope that an investigation will clear his name but from the circumstances he seems to be acting almost human.”

Article 7 of the 2001 Patriot Act strictly forbids thoughtfulness, kindness, and humanity in congressmen and any elected official. A congressional committee will be formed to weigh the evidence against Sniderton. If he is found guilty, he faces immediate expulsion from his office and criminal charges of treason and inciting anarchy.

Republican Congressman Eric Cantor, friend and mentor of Sniderton, spoke about the situation, “I’m not sure what happened. When he worked with me he was prone to taking brib…uh, donations just like the rest of us. He has such promise as a rhetoric spouting corporate shill. Now, I don’t know what to think. I just feel hurt. I hurt for him and his highly funded supporters.”

The drug test that he failed screens for compassion enhancing substances and anti-narcissistic tendencies. The committee will convene on Monday to review the evidence and, if necessary, take further action.

NSA Chief Can’t Believe Jessica Already Broke Up with Her New Boyfriend

Gen. Hayden dispatched FBI agents to console Jessica in her time of need.

Washington DC- Amid the recent accusations of snooping on the American public via social media and online services, the current head of the National Security Agency, Gen. Michael Hayden, received a startling report on Saturday. The report indicated that 14 year old Cleveland resident, Jessica Sandochez, switched her Facebook status from ‘In a Relationship’ to ‘It’s Complicated’ on Saturday afternoon. A spokesman for the NSA said, “Normally a relationship change on Facebook does not require government intervention. For example, Sandy McSmothers of 8081 North Maple Street in Ogden, UT, divorced her husband and announced it on Facebook February 3rd. We knew that breakup was coming from the private messages we intercepted between her husband, Ronny, and his ex-girlfriend. But the split between Jessica and her boyfriend was a complete shock to us. We consulted President Obama for direction on the matter.”

According the NSA report, Jessica Sandochez posted several cryptic but attention grabbing status updates on Saturday involving broken hearts and loss. Then at 1504 hrs,  she checked in at the Cold Stone Creamery on Warrensville Center Road with the text, “A Chocolate Devotion™ for a lost soul…” At 1532 hrs the FBI dispatched agents to Jessica’s residence and the Cold Stone location.

Gen. Hayden spoke briefly on the matter in a closed door session with the President and his Joint Chiefs of Staff on Monday morning. He reported, “According to our sources at Facebook, Jessica Sandochez posted a blurry overly processed picture of a silhouetted couple kissing with the comic sans text, ‘There are plenty of fish in the sea, but there is only one for me.’” The general then stated, “We dispatched FBI Relationship Specialist Ronda Farsec and Homeland Security Breakup Counselor Harold Moods. They arrived at Jessica’s residence at approximately 1602 hrs and interviewed her. While Jessica was depressed over the breakup, the FBI report indicates that she will be ‘ok’ and she ‘just wants time to grieve.’ I would also like to say that I really can’t believe Jessica and her boyfriend broke up after only two weeks.” President Obama asked if Jessica’s now ex-boyfriend should be listed as an “enemy combatant, so we can go ‘Bin Laden’ on his ass.” Gen. Hayden replied, “No, while he was kind of a jerk to Jessica when they broke up, he is the quarterback of the South Cleveland High School Frosh-Soph basketball team. They are in the All-City Quarter Finals this year. And, Mr. President, if I may state for the record, Go Alligators!”

President Obama concluded the briefing by congratulating Gen. Hayden and his team for a job well done. More recent NSA reports state that Jessica left some positive posts on her Facebook account and started to quote Marilyn Monroe again. Her official Homeland Security Emotional State has been downgraded from Red (Highly Unstable) to Orange (Drama Queen).

Heterosexuals Take to the Streets to Protest Marriage

Washington, D.C.-Angry heterosexuals arrived in force today in a unique turn of events on the marriage debate. Gregor Justbud head of the National Alliance to Kill Egalitarian Domestic Unions or NAKED-U spoke to a large crowed of mostly men in unhappy relationships: “We all face pressures, social, familial, and economic to pursue marriage. We are here today to say not any more.  We heteros deserve the same right to avoid marriage as do our gay brethren.” His statements received a resounding grumble from the tens of individuals in attendance. Justbud continued, “When my girlfriend asks me if I ever want to get married, its unfair that I have to have that uncomfortable conversation where I talk about how I feel. I have to avoid telling her that I am just biding my time until someone better comes along. No one should have to do that, not in my America. My gay friend Gary, he doesn’t have to talk about these things with his significant other Ronnie. Why? Because they get to live in a state where their marriage is illegal. That is discrimination and we will not stand for it.” The crowed responded with a few claps. Some stoners cheered near the back of the audience but they were confused by a mix up with a medicinal marijuana legalization rally nearby.
The movement is not without detractors as Gregor’s long term girlfriend Anitas el Naranja stood in the sidelines looking perturbed. She later stated, “I can’t believe Greg turned his refusal to talk about our relationship and his feeling into a political movement.” She was last seen walking away from the protest and hailing a taxi cab. While NAKED-U has not released any numbers on membership, the official spokesman said that their membership is growing. When pressed for plans the organization had for the future, the spokesman cut off the interview and stated, “We are not committed to anything and now is not the time to talk about the future. I need to go get a beer with my buddy but we can talk later, honey. I promise.”

TSA to Remove ‘Nude’ Body Scanners, Replace with Poles

Washington DC-After the Transportation Security Administration discontinued the use of the controversial ‘nude’ body scanners, many wondered what new type of intrusive and questionable practice would take its place. TSA Executive -Type-Person, John Pistole, announced a new program on Tuesday that he claims will be less intrusive and more effective for passengers. He stated, “The evil, ugly, and rude terrorists that are out there won’t stop until we are all dead. Thus, we need to continue to expand our intrusions on civil liberties so that they don’t win.” He then added “Hell, there may be some terrorists under your bed. We just don’t know. So, I am pleased to announce a new program called the System to Register and Improve Passenger Performance, Efficiency, and Respect or STRIPPER. It consists of a metal pole mounted on the floor and ceiling of the Security screening area at passenger check in. It is filled with all the latest electronics and sensors that, frankly, makes Robocop look like a wind-up toy.”

TSA employee 'CanDee' Demonstrates new passenger screening procedures.

TSA employee ‘CanDee’ Demonstrates new passenger screening procedures.

The TSA has been under heavy criticism from bloggers and other online media for having nonsensical and invasive policies. With the announcement today the TSA has promised to balance rights stripping security and sexual gratification with freedom for travelers. Pistole continued, “With the latest intelligence we have received, the average terrorist is now most likely female, between the ages of 18 and 29, and under 120 lbs. Under the STRIPPER program, only passengers that fit this profile will be required to sensually swing around the scanner poles.” When asked to explain the logic behind the new policy the TSA director cleared his throat and blinked.

The TSA plans the rollout of this program to begin at airports in Los Angeles and South Beach, Florida sometime near spring break. “This time frame will allow us to root out hot, young, and nubile terrorists,” Pistole spoke licking his lips. The STRIPPER scanners will be installed at great expense by an unnamed and well-connected government contractor. For further information on the new program go to: HTTP://TSA.CO.GOV/HOTNEWS/STRIPPER.

Nation’s Hipsters Successfully Contained to Portland, OR

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Temporary housing, transient tattoo artists, and makeshift underground music venues have been set up to help with influx of hipster populace.

Washington DC – On Friday, President Obama briefly discussed Emergency Executive Order 9812 and its long term effects on American culture. Facing increasing pressure from the pop culture lobby and Midwestern suburban mothers, he enacted the emergency order to provide a safer more benign culture. He stated, “The support for EEO-9812 has been overwhelming. The hipster threat to America’s pop culture, while not eliminated, has been successfully contained. Those who refuse to comply are being relocated to Portland, OR.” Under the executive order, hipsters are to be collected and sent to reeducation camps. The curriculum includes watching reruns of Jersey Shore, listening to top 40’s pop music from 2 years ago and communication classes that teach students how to not sound like a pompous ass. After the treatment, they are asked to sign statements promising to only show interest in things that the general community agrees are safe, banal, and placating. Some have complied willingly and traveled to the camps, but others have denied any wrong doing.

Those who refuse to sign the statements are forcibly moved to temporary housing underneath Burnside Bridge in Portland, Oregon. On their journey they are given a duffel bag full of vinyl Decemberists records, several scarves, thick framed unnecessary glasses, and a choice of 3 ironic t-shirts.

Concerned citizens are asked to report any suspicious hipster like behavior. Parents are warned to report their children if they display any symptoms of hipsterism. The US surgeon general spoke about the warning signs of the disease. “If you see anyone shopping in a second hand store, listening to unusual or uncommon music, or displaying any knowledge of organic or locally grown produce, please report them immediately as hipsterism is known to be highly communicable.”

Obama concluded the press conference with a personal statement. “We can overcome this national tragedy. No one has been untouched by this. My brother-in-law started showing the early signs of affliction when he purchased a record player and a typewriter at an expensive second hand store. He may have contracted it from attending an Arcade Fire concert earlier in the year. Fortunately, we caught it and, with treatment, he can still live a fulfilling life in our crass and consumeristic society.”

The executive order was drafted from a little known document signed by Reagan in 1981 that prescribed the same treatment for aging hippies. Under that program hippies were successfully contained at two relocation sites, one in Berkeley  California and one in Sedona, Arizona. Reagan’s program copied Nixon’s earlier legislation in 1973 to contain older beatniks to a small suburban neighborhood outside Chicago.

In preparation for the large influx of incurable hipsters, the city of Portland developed temporary housing, transient tattoo artists, and makeshift underground music venues. For more information on hipsterism and additional support for coping with the disease see notinmycountry.gov or whothehellisarcadiefire.org.

Low Level IT Supervisor Now in charge of 10,000 Strong Mercenary Army

Beaverton, OR – A low level IT help desk supervisor seized control of the local governments on Thursday with a 10,000 strong mercenary army in a power grab that proved successful beyond his initial plans. [Real name withheld due to pending litigation] asked that he now only be referred to as His Eminence since his appointment as Supreme High Lord of Beaverton and Surrounding Territories.

He began his political career as an IT help desk operator, was promoted to supervisor, and then quickly rose to power over the greater Beaverton area when a full standing mercenary army under contract with [Corporation name withheld do to pending litigation] fell under his control. His sudden ascension was partly due to an automatic e-mail personnel approval process while working for [company name withheld do to court order]. His Eminence was filling out a simple personnel request when, he claims, “As a joke, I filled out the form on the enterprise intranet website for ‘10,000 battle tested mercenaries.’  I figured Frank the GM here in Beaverton would have caught the joke and denied the request.” Frank denied any involvement in the military actions performed by His Eminance, and replied no comment when pressed further.

In an interview with His Eminence he stated, “Seriously, I was in shock when the notification came back approved. But I totally lost my shit when 10,000 soldiers showed up at the office.”

The shock soon faded and the seductive euphoria of absolute, though geographically limited, power  drove His Eminence to assume command and immediately declared marshal law on the two story suburban office park in southern Beaverton. The local PD were called in but quickly surrendered when Field Sergent Thomas A. O’brienstein realized that they were seriously outgunned and outnumbered.  O’brienstein later stated “The initial call was for a hostage situation. So, we headed out guns ready but, when we arrived and found a full standing army encampment., there was not much we could do…”  O’brienstein and his men later joined His Eminence and his mercenary army when he offered better pay and promised not put up with ‘bullshit from Mayor Doyel.’
With local law enforcement subdued His Eminence expanded his reach to include the the tri-city area of Hillsboro, Tigard and the rest of Beaverton.  The National Guard was soon called in by state authorities but due to lack of funding and fighting 2 wars in Afghanistan and Iraq they sued for peace instead of risking further military resources.
His Eminence later admitted, “I used a combination of tactical skills that I acquired from playing World of Warcraft and negotiation modeled after Captain Picard of Star Trek TNG.  I pretty much got what I wanted once I told them that I planned to have a small elitist power base that would crush the underprivileged and poor. I  really just modeled my regime after the current US government. Now, I have almost absolute power over the entire tri-city area.”  He later promised to rule with a “Firm but just hand.”

Only history will tell if a dictatorship can survive in the middle of the United States pseudo-democratic oligarchy.