Report: American Children Have Highest Unemployment Rate Since Great Depression

Washington, DC – The US Department of Labor released sobering statistics highlighting the sorry state of the economy Tuesday morning. According to the latest reports, American children face the highest unemployment rate since the Great Depression of the 1930’s. Many are quick to point fingers to government polices that make it difficult to employ minors for productive periods of time. Many experts say that it is just additional signs that the economy is falling further into a recession. With the announcement of this news, representative Gary Fingerlitingburg of Alabama has introduced a new bill to congress. “Today I would like to announce the ‘No Child Gets a Free Ride’ Act.

After the announcement, President Obama addressed a group of 1st Graders at Salsbury Elementary in Akron, Ohio. “In todays global economy, we cannot rest on our laurels. In China you can get children to manufacture products for under 1 dollar a day. The government will not sit idle in this time of crisis, but neither should you. That is why I am requesting an additional $500,000,000 from Congress to help Americas businesses employ children. At a dollar a day, that will help 5 million children work for 100 days. Or 5 children for 100 million days, I mean, I’m no economist but you get the idea.”

Little Timmy “Half Face” Maloneinsiein expresedd his concers. “Hey, I work two paper routes just so I can pay for my dialysis. I’m no slouch, but I don’t want the government interfering with how I spend my time.” Jimmy Erikjorsen, a 5th grader who also works a paper route, (and another job he was unable to talk about) stated, “My father is a stinkin’ wino, so I have to work 2 jobs just to make enough money so my mom can score enough dope. Then she doesn’t get angry and beat me. But I’m not looking for handouts.”

Some children have been able to get by relying on the allowances from their parents. This helps many youths but the US still has a higher child unemployment rate than most developing countries. Some children have looked for manual labor. Some children are resorting to mowing lawns for neighbors but many are being edged out by adult illegal immigrants. In fact, some reports show indications that illegal immigrant children may actually have a lower unemployment rate than youths who grew up in the US.

Tommy Bewnocker a local 10 year old said, “My dad is such a tight ass. He wont give me an advance on my allowance and I need to save up $20 more dollars so I can get the new Super Jack Man action figure. It would be nice if I could get a job but there is just nothing out there right now.” Tommy had a good paying job mowing lawns for his neighbor Mrs. Feelyap but was undercut by a migrant worker with 7 children working with him. “Of course I wish I could afford to keep Tommy working for me, but things are so expensive now, I just had to make cuts somewhere,” confessed Feelyap. “Plus, frankly, Sancho and his children do a much better job.”

Even immigrants are feeling the squeeze in this economic downturn. Recent immigrant E’ban-bufunkton Ng’Lonc has found work but admits (through a Marzipanese translator), “Only one of my 6 children has been able to find work. Back in my home country, all 6 of my children were able to work in the Nike shoe factory. Land of opportunity this is not, but you do have many [cats] here.”

The Marzipan Cat Genocide

The Beginning

Marzipan is a small country in Southeast Asia that is home to a modern thriving civilization. Many wonder then, why this small island nation left its traditional peaceful roots and began a campaign of terror against our feline brethren. It all started as a simple misdiagnosis of Feline AIDS for Pedro the Ng’Lonc’s family house cat. Soon after this, word spread of the infected cat and how it was put to sleep. Because of this, neighbors began to have their cats and other pets tested for this horrible disease. Once a few cats tested positive, a panic arose among the humble Marzipanese. The government stepped in to organize the disposal of the infected cats, which at the time totaled 2. But suspicion and fear spread like wildfire among the island nation’s superstitious people. Neighbor turned on neighbor’s cat and “Deinfection Squads” patrolled the streets in search of infected or suspected felines. In July of 2004, the government issued the “protect our pets” act limiting the freedoms of all cats and distributing feline condoms to all households. Limits on cat travel to and from the country were strictly enforced.

The Calm Before the Storm

Tensions eased as no new cases of the debilitating disease were found until March of 2005. An unprecedented 3 cases of the disease were found at the local animal shelter in Po’nuc chaluba, the country’s capitol. A new wave of fear and loathing swept through the country as “Deinfection Squads” began canvassing cities and rural areas alike, in search of cats. Any stray or unleashed cat was confiscated and shipped to the “Re-deinfection Camps”. These camps employed large freezers as a simplified means of testing for the disease. All cat brought to the camp were placed in a common household freezer for 24 hours, if the cat survived it did not have the disease. This was due to an incorrect interpretation of the definition for Feline AIDS and its symptoms. Almost no cats survived this horrendous camp. In May of 2005 the Marzipanese Governments passed the “Rename the Camps” Act because most felt the name for the camps was stupid. This act changed the “Re-deinfection Camps” to “Feline Re-deinfection Camps” but the killing still continued.

The Aftermath

It is estimated that over 6.3 cats were killed, frozen or otherwise exterminated in the Marzipan Cat Genocide. The genocide lasted from March of 2005 to at least June of 2005. In July of 2005 the government passed the poorly named “Oops we might have been wrong so here’s some money to fix it” Act. This permanently closed and unplugged the freezer of death in the Feline Re-deinfection Camp. As well as provided the families of the cats affected by the genocide with “sticky notes of apology” the countries highest honor thingy. Ng’Lonc family head E’ban-bufunkton said during an interview “I never received a sticky note of apology…oh wait…here it is, it fell on the floor. They must have stuck it to our door and it fell off. Well, it doesn’t replace Pedro, but they wrote the apology in pencil so I could erase it and use it to write my own note”

Denial (or A River in Egypt)

Although much proof has been presented about the Marzipan Cat Genocide, Some still deny that any such organized cat killing took place. Daniel Esterbaumington of the Westminster Kennel Club said “I never saw any evidence of organized feline killing, especially since I’ve never been to Marzipan. Besides the Marzipanese write their laws on Post-it notes. They couldn’t even organize a garage let alone a feline genocide. This is just a way for cat lovers to get attention. This so-called genocide was nothing like the Dasani Dog Holocaust in the early 1960s.” This issue may never be permanently settled, but the fact remains that there are many still passionate about things.