Cheney Emerges, Sees Shadow, Promises 6 More Years of Iraq War

Washington DC – Former Vice President Dick Cheney emerged from his underground bunker after publishing an Op-Ed column in the Wall Street Journal amid an excited crowd of elite onlookers.  Secret Service agents quickly surrounded him and escorted him safely to the ceremonial podium. For the last 9 years Americans have anxiously watched Cheney’s behavior to determine if he can actually see his shadow. Tradition holds that if the former Vice President sees his shadow war will continue in Iraq for 6 more years.

As the Secret Service parted to momentarily expose him to the public it was evident that the pasty white old man did infact see his shadow. In fact, for the last 8 years the warmongering profiteer has seen a shadow or a resemblance of a shadow on the ground near his feet. Many of the corporate elite in attendance cheered and wept with excitement. Some dried their tears on $100 bills while others homoerotically hugged and pressed their hips together. The former Vice President then thanked the crowd for coming and popped a bottle of champagne. He raised his glass and said, “Here’s to another 100,000 or so innocent civilian deaths.” The crowd applauded and then quickly dispersed into their black SUVs and limousines for the traditional old people flesh orgy.

The former Vice President then quickly shapeshifted into his true reptilian form and slithered under a rock.

Pope Adds ‘Spoiler Alert’ Tag to New Version of the Bible

The Pope makes a rare appearance in non traditional garb.

Originally published on December 20, 2012-Vatican City, Vatican – Pope Benedict XVI announced the release of an updated version of the Bible, last Tuesday.

Taking a break from giving excuses for past unconscionable behavior, Benedict announced the new version and discussed many of its features. The Pope stepped away from tradition by appearing in a black turtle neck on a stage with two white easy chairs and a large projected screen. The presentation began with a brief overview of the history of the book. Speaking through an interpreter he stated, “The bible is the best-selling book in history. In fact, last year, there were over 100 million sold. But we have seen stagnation in the features of the Good Book. So today I would like to introduce, the New Bible.” The audience fawned as a picture of a simple black book with no words on the cover appeared on the screen overhead.

The Pope then spoke about its new features, “We have simplified the cover so that it is a solid black single piece of leather; it is truly unibody construction. Our designers have selected the best paper for printing so that the New Bible is now 1.7 mm thinner than any other printed before it. It is also 28 grams lighter which, admittedly, dose not sound like much. But, when you hold it in your hand you will be amazed at the difference.” He then told the audience that it would be release March 14th. Immediately, the most faithful in attendance left the auditorium to go line up in front of churches to be one of the first to own a New Bible.

The Pope then revealed some of the new features inside, “While we left the contents the same, we did do some shuffling. Now, we placed the books in alphabetical order so that they could be found easier. Also for prophetic books, we added “Spoiler Alert” in red text for sections of prophecy that have not occurred yet. This is for the faithful who want to be surprised by the apocalypse.”

After the announcement, one critic panned the New Bible and said, “The Pope and company are just releasing the same dogma. It just has an improved cover and a few features. I mean do we really need a “spoiler alert” tag. I’ve never even opened my old Bible.” Another audience member complained, “The ten dollar price is not bad. But, I don’t want to get locked into a two year tithing contract. Especially with the weak services that my church has been having lately.”

The New Bible will be available on March 14th for Catholics only, on contract. But, it will become available to other faith carriers at an undisclosed later date.

90 Pound Model Considered ‘The Fat One’ Among Peers

New York, NY-Fashion model Amanda ‘Clarneesie’ Hutchinson is shaking up the modeling and fashion industry with her unique style and Lycra straining weight gain. The 6’2″ model stirred up the buzz when she premiered at New York Fashion Week carrying an additional 1.5 lbs. (0.68 kg) on her body. The added mass forced designers to squeeze her into a size 0 instead of the standard 00. “I like that she is taking chances”, says friend and fellow model Dernika, “To show up at Fashion Week so fat and still expect to go up. She is really brave.” To the surprise of many, her appearance was celebrated by most in attendance. Designer Fredrick Sanders gleefully embiggened Clarneesie’s dress by 0.2cm at the waist and a whole 0.5cm at the hips. Sanders stated, “It was a surprise to me when she showed up looking so huge. I was livid at first but I realized we could really grab the audience’s attention by putting a fat cow up there. It really worked.”

Her weight gain is not without is critics. 84lb (38kg) rival ShAneesie spoke out against the change, “With obesity on the rise worldwide, I think it’s careless to send this type of message. I totally saw Clarnessie eat two carrot sticks yesterday and she didn’t even throw it up afterward. It’s like she just wants to flaunt her weight. I think she might even be growing breasts. Disgusting.” Another model stated, “I think she is just getting lazy. She’s just letting herself go by gaining another pound. She said she skipped cardio this morning. Does she want to become a Lane Bryant model?”

Nobody reads the captions anymore.

With the controversy surrounding Clarnessie’s appearance, the model has taken the additional attention to further her career and speak out against the dangers of both obesity and anorexia. She stated, “Having now lived on both extremes of the scale, I think we put too much emphasis on weight. We all know the only thing that matters is looks. I think it’s ok to be a few pounds under or over weight, just don’t be ugly and things will go good for you.”

For further information on obesity and anorexia, just friggen’ Google it. Don’t be lazy.

US Congressman Tests Positive for Human-like Traits

Sniderdon-Accused of tolerance and reasonableness.

Washington, DC – A young Republican representative from North Carolina, Jack Sniderton, has been placed on immediate probation after failing a standard drug screening test required for all members of Congress. In recent months, Sinderton has fallen under harsh criticisms from both Republican and Democrat peers for showing excessive amounts of logic and thoughtfulness. Allegations of compassion and reasonableness for both his contemporaries and his constituents have dogged the new member of congress since he was elected a year ago. Some have accused him of working on insightful legislation that was not poorly written and rushed. Democratic Senator from California, Dianne Feinstein, said, “Sniderton is a perfect example of a naive but corrupted first termer. I’ve heard that some have seen him come in to the office with hope in his eyes and a positive outlook. When I have interacted with him, I sometimes suspect that he has his constituent’s best interest at heart. I hope that an investigation will clear his name but from the circumstances he seems to be acting almost human.”

Article 7 of the 2001 Patriot Act strictly forbids thoughtfulness, kindness, and humanity in congressmen and any elected official. A congressional committee will be formed to weigh the evidence against Sniderton. If he is found guilty, he faces immediate expulsion from his office and criminal charges of treason and inciting anarchy.

Republican Congressman Eric Cantor, friend and mentor of Sniderton, spoke about the situation, “I’m not sure what happened. When he worked with me he was prone to taking brib…uh, donations just like the rest of us. He has such promise as a rhetoric spouting corporate shill. Now, I don’t know what to think. I just feel hurt. I hurt for him and his highly funded supporters.”

The drug test that he failed screens for compassion enhancing substances and anti-narcissistic tendencies. The committee will convene on Monday to review the evidence and, if necessary, take further action.

Apathetic Man Doesn’t Care that He Doesn’t Care

Pittsburgh, PA-Lack of fellow feeling or care for someone who looks different or is from somewhere that doesn’t speak your language is nothing new. Most people are aware of that prejudice. They may even be bothered by their own apathetic attitude. But Pittsburgh resident Manny Skankowitz has hardened his heart to a new level. He simply stopped caring that he doesn’t care. His loving wife Mari Skankowitz noticed the change in his personality during the so called Arab Spring of 2011. She stated, “When I mentioned the events in Tunisia he said ‘Oh wow I should read about that.’ Just like every other self-centered American. But, by the time Bahrain was beginning to revolt he said, ‘I don’t even know where that is. I don’t care. And you know what, I don’t care that I don’t care.’”

Some researchers have dubbed this mental attitude Hyperapathy. Dr. Johan Sebastian Rock, an expert in the field of post dramatic stress and phantom paranoia, stated “Hyperapathy is an new trend we have been seeing only in the most calloused and self centered who live within the narcissistic spectrum.” He then made a few other presumably valid points but the MDT reporter stopped taking notes and thought about how much laundry was waiting to be folded at home.

There was a pretty cool chart that kinda describes how Manny Skankowitz thinks compared to an average person that the good but terribly uninteresting doctor drew up from a study or lab test or something. I pasted it below so you fine readers can look too, if you care to.

Provided by the Research Institute

While Manny may have lost his care of caring, his wife has hope that there may be treatment for his condition. “I don’t know maybe we can have him look at kittens for a while or buy him a dog as a pet.” Dr. Rock stated “I’ve gotta get out of here. I have plans tonight.” No signs of improvement have been seen in Mr. Skankowitz, but then again most of you readers probably don’t care. And you don’t care about that. Neither do we.

NSA Chief Can’t Believe Jessica Already Broke Up with Her New Boyfriend

Gen. Hayden dispatched FBI agents to console Jessica in her time of need.

Washington DC- Amid the recent accusations of snooping on the American public via social media and online services, the current head of the National Security Agency, Gen. Michael Hayden, received a startling report on Saturday. The report indicated that 14 year old Cleveland resident, Jessica Sandochez, switched her Facebook status from ‘In a Relationship’ to ‘It’s Complicated’ on Saturday afternoon. A spokesman for the NSA said, “Normally a relationship change on Facebook does not require government intervention. For example, Sandy McSmothers of 8081 North Maple Street in Ogden, UT, divorced her husband and announced it on Facebook February 3rd. We knew that breakup was coming from the private messages we intercepted between her husband, Ronny, and his ex-girlfriend. But the split between Jessica and her boyfriend was a complete shock to us. We consulted President Obama for direction on the matter.”

According the NSA report, Jessica Sandochez posted several cryptic but attention grabbing status updates on Saturday involving broken hearts and loss. Then at 1504 hrs,  she checked in at the Cold Stone Creamery on Warrensville Center Road with the text, “A Chocolate Devotion™ for a lost soul…” At 1532 hrs the FBI dispatched agents to Jessica’s residence and the Cold Stone location.

Gen. Hayden spoke briefly on the matter in a closed door session with the President and his Joint Chiefs of Staff on Monday morning. He reported, “According to our sources at Facebook, Jessica Sandochez posted a blurry overly processed picture of a silhouetted couple kissing with the comic sans text, ‘There are plenty of fish in the sea, but there is only one for me.’” The general then stated, “We dispatched FBI Relationship Specialist Ronda Farsec and Homeland Security Breakup Counselor Harold Moods. They arrived at Jessica’s residence at approximately 1602 hrs and interviewed her. While Jessica was depressed over the breakup, the FBI report indicates that she will be ‘ok’ and she ‘just wants time to grieve.’ I would also like to say that I really can’t believe Jessica and her boyfriend broke up after only two weeks.” President Obama asked if Jessica’s now ex-boyfriend should be listed as an “enemy combatant, so we can go ‘Bin Laden’ on his ass.” Gen. Hayden replied, “No, while he was kind of a jerk to Jessica when they broke up, he is the quarterback of the South Cleveland High School Frosh-Soph basketball team. They are in the All-City Quarter Finals this year. And, Mr. President, if I may state for the record, Go Alligators!”

President Obama concluded the briefing by congratulating Gen. Hayden and his team for a job well done. More recent NSA reports state that Jessica left some positive posts on her Facebook account and started to quote Marilyn Monroe again. Her official Homeland Security Emotional State has been downgraded from Red (Highly Unstable) to Orange (Drama Queen).

Alcoholic Mom Disgusted with Son’s Medical Marijuana Use

Mrs. Finklestine’s ‘Wake up’ Bloody Mary.

Boise, ID-While nursing a hangover with a ‘wake up’ Bloody Mary, suburban stay at home mom Meredith Finklestine worries alone at her kitchen table. She claims Manny Finklestine, her son, has altered his behavior and shown improved grades in his community college courses. Mrs. Finklestine stated, “I used to hear him up at all hours of the night. His insomnia kept him playing on the Internet or, I don’t know. I am usually three sheets to the wind by that time. He also used to complain about pain in his shoulder. But he doesn’t anymore.” These concerns have lead Mrs. Finklestine to the half-sober conclusion that her son is most likely using marijuana for medical purposes.

“It disgusts me, really disgusts me, to be filling his body with that crap.” Finklestine rasped to her cleaning lady, “Amanda would you like a cocktail?” Amanda declined indicating it was before noon. Finklestine then offered her a beer and ranted, “He walks around so happy. Mr. ‘Ooh I got a good night sleep and no more chronic pain.’ I know what he’s doing. It’s filthy and I won’t have it in my house. I called the cops on him last week because I could smell that disgusting drug on his clothes.” Amanda responded to Mrs. Finklestine with her thoughts about psychological projection in a thick Nicaraguan accent. She then returned to cleaning up Mrs. Finklestine’s fresh vomit on the kitchen floor.

A police report filed a week ago indicated that officers were called to the Finklestine residence for a domestic disturbance. Accusations of illicit narcotics were reported but none were found on the scene. The police did find some high grade prescription chronic but no arrests were made due to proper medical documentation.

Manny Finklestine spoke candidly over the phone about his prescription. “I talked with my doctor and, although I was apprehensive, He said that it may be the safest most natural way to treat my insomnia. I was worried about side effects but so far I haven’t noticed any. Also, my shoulder stopped hurting from where my mother dislocated it when I was ten. No, I don’t hold that against her. She was drunk and didn’t know that pushing me down the stairs would do that to me.” Manny Finklestine’s grades have continued to improve and he plans on transferring to a four year university after this semester. When asked for comment about her son’s progress, Mrs. Finklestines said, “I have no son. I have a lazy pothead loser who sleeps all night long and goes to ‘school’ all day. It’s no wonder I drink.”

Ticketmaster Adds ‘Because We Can’ Fee to Tickets

Mumford and Sons will be the first performers to add the new fee to tickets.

Hollywood, Somewhere – Bono the oft described “Irish Rocker” and Ticketmaster CEO Nathan Somethingorother danced like giddy school girls as they spoke to reporters about a new fee that will be added to all transactions conducted through Ticketmaster. Somethingorother stated, “We are happy to announce the ‘Because We Can’ fee for the convenience of all our customers. It has been a long time coming. Ticketmaster really wanted to give something back to our customers after all the years of forced loyalty through our monopolistic practices. Is there a better way to show our appreciation than making ourselves slightly richer and milk additional dollars from the stupid mouth breathing public?” Bono then flipped the bird to the attendees and added “It’s not like you can do anything about it. And also screw you, you stupid slack jawed music fans.” Many U2 fans reportedly swooned and blogged about the greatness of the band.

This charge is in addition to the already controversial “convenience” fee and the cost for extra anal lubricant. Bono also reminded his fans that part of the ticket price went to Funding for al-Qaeda unspecified relief organizations to help something, something about Africa.

Most in attendance grumbled in irritation. Then, they pulled out their wallets and began showering the two with money. Mr. Somethingorother then laughed maniacally,  stripped naked, and rolled around in the wadded up cash. Bono later admitted that when he spoke of “Africa” was referring to his large mansion in a tax sheltering nation.

After his shameless display, Mr Somethingorother then spoke of future plans to retroactively add additional charges to concerts attended in the past.

Four Meddling Teenagers Found Murdered

Abandoned Amusement Park, VT-The bodies of four meddling teens were found at an old amusement park in upstate Vermont. Police discovered a gruesome scene of animal cruelty and violence after an anonymous call. The tip lead investigators to a warehouse in the maintenance area of the abandoned Uncle Funny’s Amusement Park. The bodies were discovered hidden under a blue tarp. Some thick rimmed glasses and an ascot were found at the scene along with pieces of a brown and black Great Dane. The only clue to the identity of the victims was a filthy aqua green mural van located outside the warehouse. Police say the van reeked of pot and brand named dog snacks.

Forensic investigators said the bodies of the victims looked mauled by someone in an animal costume. Lab reports indicated through hair analysis that the costume may have been a Yeti or Sasquatch.

Some makeshift traps were found near the crime scene. Investigators were unsure if the suspect or the victims set the net with a tripwire and a pit covered with a large tarp. Police have made no arrests but have listed old man Jenkins and a former disgruntled janitor as persons of interest. More information will be released as investigators make it available.

Zombie Tired of Brains for Dinner Again

Post-Apocalyptic Cedar City, UT-Police were called to investigate a noise complaint and possible domestic disturbance to the Sweinholdt residence on Tuesday. As officers Brink and Thohansen arrived, they found the couple viciously locked in verbal combat on the front lawn. The remains of Bobby Sweinholdt posthumously reanimated by inhaled fungal spores, was furiously grunting and gurgling at his wife Lily. The officers separated the couple amid a growing crowd of neighbors and roaming undead.

Officer Brink told reporters that the dispute arose over dinner but escalated as the undead Bobby Sweinholdt broke free from the chains that locked him to his bedroom floor. Bobby’s remains then physically assaulted his wife. She ran outside to avoid a potentially fatal bite from her zombified husband. Mrs. Sweinholdt stood her ground when her husband’s decaying corpse became entangled on the chain link fence of their front yard.

Neighbor, Effron Ericsen, witnessed the incident, “I heard a scream and I saw Lily run out of the house. She stumbled on the porch steps and fell to the ground. She must have twisted her ankle because Lily started slowly dragging herself across the lawn crying for help. That’s when I called the police.” Ericsen then said he witnessed her husband shuffle out of the house moaning with his arms raised. Mrs. Sweinholdt barely made it out of their front gate before kicking the gate closed with her uninjured foot. She then began yelling at her long dead husband. She shouted “I worked hard all day. The leftover cat brain is all we have. I’m too tired to hunt fresh mammalian brain for dinner. Besides, what have you done all day? A whole lotta nothing.” Mr. Sweinholdt’s only response was repeated grunting and moaning from deep within a rapidly decaying chest cavity.

Once the couple was separated, police had to shoot Sweinhold’s mortal coil six times just to calm him down. Animal control was called in and successfully coaxed the zombie back to his room with a fresh stray puppy. Lily Sweinholdt then thanked the officers but refused to press charges. Officer Brink admitted, “I was relieved because it’s difficult to prosecute someone who by all laws, both natural and legal, is dead. There is just so much more paperwork and we rarely go to trial. But we got the undead guy secured and told Mrs. Sweinholdt to buy some thicker chains to ensure her dead husband stays put.”