Cheney Emerges, Sees Shadow, Promises 6 More Years of Iraq War

Washington DC – Former Vice President Dick Cheney emerged from his underground bunker after publishing an Op-Ed column in the Wall Street Journal amid an excited crowd of elite onlookers.  Secret Service agents quickly surrounded him and escorted him safely to the ceremonial podium. For the last 9 years Americans have anxiously watched Cheney’s behavior to determine if he can actually see his shadow. Tradition holds that if the former Vice President sees his shadow war will continue in Iraq for 6 more years.

As the Secret Service parted to momentarily expose him to the public it was evident that the pasty white old man did infact see his shadow. In fact, for the last 8 years the warmongering profiteer has seen a shadow or a resemblance of a shadow on the ground near his feet. Many of the corporate elite in attendance cheered and wept with excitement. Some dried their tears on $100 bills while others homoerotically hugged and pressed their hips together. The former Vice President then thanked the crowd for coming and popped a bottle of champagne. He raised his glass and said, “Here’s to another 100,000 or so innocent civilian deaths.” The crowd applauded and then quickly dispersed into their black SUVs and limousines for the traditional old people flesh orgy.

The former Vice President then quickly shapeshifted into his true reptilian form and slithered under a rock.

McDonald’s Introducing New ‘Point and Grunt’ Menu

Des Planes, IL – The world’s largest purveyor of fine processed foods has recently patented a new technique that may turn the fast food industry in its head. The patent solidifies McDonald’s commitment to cater to the lowest common denominator of clientele by removing the necessity of forming any recognizable syllable. Craig McCraigerson of McDonald’s technical response department admitted, “Many of our most loyal customers find proper pronunciation in any language a severe determent from visiting our locations a least 6 times a week. Often times our hard pressed staff is left grasping at straws trying to comprehend the constant raping of proper language. So we have patented a new ordering system that only requires a series of guttural grunts in order to communicate delicious menu choices to our well trained employees.”

McDonald’s changed the industry in the past by offering a number selection menu where customers could order well over 3200 calories of processed farm remnants with just a single number or phrase in almost any common language. As the clientele of McDonald’s evolved it has become increasing difficult to force customers into uttering complete syllables like ‘one’ or ‘two’. The new system proposes a series of grunts and heavy breathing to communicate an order to the low paid customer service representative.

McCraigerson also stated, “While we understand our customers burn tremendous calories transporting their rotund physique to our stores, we do not wish any unnecessary waste of life giving caloric energy. We no longer force our patrons to expend effort with an abstract and archaic language when a series of grunts and wheezes could just as easily suit the job.”

In the newly proposed system a Number 1 Super Value Meal is now “ungh” or a grunt. A Number 2 Meal is now an “ungh, unugggghuh,” or a ‘grunt wheeze’ according to industry experts.

Cameras will be deployed at drive through locations in order to process the point and grunt technique so that the accuracy of patron’s orders will be properly addressed. The cameras will allow fat sausage finger gestures to accompany vocal cues for inarticulate consumers. “Any technology that allows me to avoid customer contact is fine with me,” stated 3 month retail veteran Miles Davis, “It will make our job much easier and I think the customers will be happier.”

The new procedures of ordering at fast food restaurants are not without critics. Prof. Theodore Uptightly expressed disgust for the new system stating, “The end of true language is at hand. The inability of the vulgar people to express even the most basic of human necessities is further reason to begin serving pure swill to anyone who cannot accurately describe what they want.” Some have called Uptightly’s comments as ‘rude and ignant’ (sic). In either case McDonald’s cannot be criticized for knowing its customer base and catering to the lowest rung of filthy human waste.

McDonalds has rolled out the new point and grunt menu system to select stores in the Mid-West, the Deep South, and San Francisco.

90 Pound Model Considered ‘The Fat One’ Among Peers

New York, NY-Fashion model Amanda ‘Clarneesie’ Hutchinson is shaking up the modeling and fashion industry with her unique style and Lycra straining weight gain. The 6’2″ model stirred up the buzz when she premiered at New York Fashion Week carrying an additional 1.5 lbs. (0.68 kg) on her body. The added mass forced designers to squeeze her into a size 0 instead of the standard 00. “I like that she is taking chances”, says friend and fellow model Dernika, “To show up at Fashion Week so fat and still expect to go up. She is really brave.” To the surprise of many, her appearance was celebrated by most in attendance. Designer Fredrick Sanders gleefully embiggened Clarneesie’s dress by 0.2cm at the waist and a whole 0.5cm at the hips. Sanders stated, “It was a surprise to me when she showed up looking so huge. I was livid at first but I realized we could really grab the audience’s attention by putting a fat cow up there. It really worked.”

Her weight gain is not without is critics. 84lb (38kg) rival ShAneesie spoke out against the change, “With obesity on the rise worldwide, I think it’s careless to send this type of message. I totally saw Clarnessie eat two carrot sticks yesterday and she didn’t even throw it up afterward. It’s like she just wants to flaunt her weight. I think she might even be growing breasts. Disgusting.” Another model stated, “I think she is just getting lazy. She’s just letting herself go by gaining another pound. She said she skipped cardio this morning. Does she want to become a Lane Bryant model?”

Nobody reads the captions anymore.

With the controversy surrounding Clarnessie’s appearance, the model has taken the additional attention to further her career and speak out against the dangers of both obesity and anorexia. She stated, “Having now lived on both extremes of the scale, I think we put too much emphasis on weight. We all know the only thing that matters is looks. I think it’s ok to be a few pounds under or over weight, just don’t be ugly and things will go good for you.”

For further information on obesity and anorexia, just friggen’ Google it. Don’t be lazy.

4 Friends Completely Bored Watching Football

Anaheim, CA- Amidst the picturesque trees and well-manicured foliage of suburbia, four men commiserate the misery of Sunday football. Steve Lawrence, Spencer Haunches, Tyrone Tyrone, and Doug Hu sit in total boredom watching grown men scramble for an odd shaped ball on a 55 inch LCD screen. Lawrence, the host of the afternoon’s shitfest, admitted to his longtime girlfriend, “I hate football, but I’m not a very creative man. I wanted to have the guys over. So, I used football as an excuse. Go, team somethingorother!” Childhood friend Tyrone Tyrone said, “I have no idea what is going on with football. I just shout the last name of whoever the announcer just said and say ‘yeah!’ I have to keep it vague because I don’t know who to root for.”

Spencer Haunches doesn’t even pretend to like American Football.

Spencer Haunches sitting at the end of the couch is the most vocal about his dislike of American Football but admits that he puts up with it to hang out with his friends. He stated, “In my country we have no complicated sports like this football. I don’t get it. The balls over here now it’s there. Seriously, fuck. I’m so bored. At least there is free beer.” Doug Hu stares intensely at the pixilated pigskin bouncing around the television before him. His mind is with his wife who had plans to go to Ikea in the afternoon. Doug sips on his beer but imagines a delicious Swedish meatball meal for a reasonable price. He could be enjoying the meal with his wife. The word ‘shit’ slips from his mouth in dismay and Tyrone Tyrone looks over at him and says “I know. Sanderson, yeah?!?”

Lawrence regressed to quietly looking at Facebook on his phone but tried to be attentive to his guests. “Who needs a beer?” He yells over the exceedingly loud television.

“I’m good. Walther, yeah!”

“I’ll take one, Steve. You don’t have any meatballs do your?”

“I’ll get the beers, Steve. I don’t understand what’s going on with your crazy American game anyway.”

The boredom overwhelmed the group towards the end of the 4th quarter with the score tied and one minute on the clock. Lawrence suggested that since the game was almost over and one team or the other would eventually win they should go to the local Hooters for some celebratory wings and a pitcher. Tyrone Tyrone said, “Yeah boobs!” Hu responded, “Man, my wife has boobs. I could have been causally grabbing them all day with a stomach full of reasonably priced Ikea meatballs.” Spencer agreed, “I like American boobs.” It was then that Steve Lawrence remembered why he liked his friends so much: because boobs.

Google Releases Girth, A Fully Explorable 3D Model of Sergey Brin’s Penis

Google Girth Logo

Subterranean Bunker, 2000 miles off the coast of North Korea – Google quietly released its latest web based technological advancement on Monday. It features a full 3D model of Google co-founder, Sergey Brin’s phallus. With Google Girth users can explore a 500 Tera-pixel representation of the computer scientist turned hydroponic meat farmer’s most private member. Comprised of 7000 intimate images of his penis, the new web application stitches these images together and overlays those on a 3D mesh created from a laser scan of the Russian born Brin’s foreskin and satchel. Beta testers were granted access to the web page earlier this month to rave reviews. A tester by the username mcgodalds stated, “I’ve always wonder what Sergey was packing, now I know. Thanks to the scale model and near infinite resolution, I can literally count the pubic hairs on his scrota. My favorite feature is the ability to bookmark your favorite locations and share them with your friends on Facebook, Twitter, MySpace and that other one, Google Plus I think.”

While initial excitement for the product has been building, some analysts have panned the website raising concerns over privacy. Lydia Salivastion, a stay at home mother of seven and part time startup investor expressed worries about the social aspects of the website. “I’m concerned with who sees what we look at on his member. I don’t see any privacy guarantees when I want to look at Mr. Brin’s delicious elbow skin. For example, if I want to Google Girth ‘Sergey’s perineum’ what advertisers see that query? Also, does the government have access to my Girth searches? I want privacy for my private, private viewing.”

No matter what the reaction, Google Girth’s popularity has grown exponentially since it went online. New users are required to sign up for a Google account at the site google.com/girth.

Apathetic Man Doesn’t Care that He Doesn’t Care

Pittsburgh, PA-Lack of fellow feeling or care for someone who looks different or is from somewhere that doesn’t speak your language is nothing new. Most people are aware of that prejudice. They may even be bothered by their own apathetic attitude. But Pittsburgh resident Manny Skankowitz has hardened his heart to a new level. He simply stopped caring that he doesn’t care. His loving wife Mari Skankowitz noticed the change in his personality during the so called Arab Spring of 2011. She stated, “When I mentioned the events in Tunisia he said ‘Oh wow I should read about that.’ Just like every other self-centered American. But, by the time Bahrain was beginning to revolt he said, ‘I don’t even know where that is. I don’t care. And you know what, I don’t care that I don’t care.’”

Some researchers have dubbed this mental attitude Hyperapathy. Dr. Johan Sebastian Rock, an expert in the field of post dramatic stress and phantom paranoia, stated “Hyperapathy is an new trend we have been seeing only in the most calloused and self centered who live within the narcissistic spectrum.” He then made a few other presumably valid points but the MDT reporter stopped taking notes and thought about how much laundry was waiting to be folded at home.

There was a pretty cool chart that kinda describes how Manny Skankowitz thinks compared to an average person that the good but terribly uninteresting doctor drew up from a study or lab test or something. I pasted it below so you fine readers can look too, if you care to.

Provided by the Research Institute

While Manny may have lost his care of caring, his wife has hope that there may be treatment for his condition. “I don’t know maybe we can have him look at kittens for a while or buy him a dog as a pet.” Dr. Rock stated “I’ve gotta get out of here. I have plans tonight.” No signs of improvement have been seen in Mr. Skankowitz, but then again most of you readers probably don’t care. And you don’t care about that. Neither do we.

NSA Chief Can’t Believe Jessica Already Broke Up with Her New Boyfriend

Gen. Hayden dispatched FBI agents to console Jessica in her time of need.

Washington DC- Amid the recent accusations of snooping on the American public via social media and online services, the current head of the National Security Agency, Gen. Michael Hayden, received a startling report on Saturday. The report indicated that 14 year old Cleveland resident, Jessica Sandochez, switched her Facebook status from ‘In a Relationship’ to ‘It’s Complicated’ on Saturday afternoon. A spokesman for the NSA said, “Normally a relationship change on Facebook does not require government intervention. For example, Sandy McSmothers of 8081 North Maple Street in Ogden, UT, divorced her husband and announced it on Facebook February 3rd. We knew that breakup was coming from the private messages we intercepted between her husband, Ronny, and his ex-girlfriend. But the split between Jessica and her boyfriend was a complete shock to us. We consulted President Obama for direction on the matter.”

According the NSA report, Jessica Sandochez posted several cryptic but attention grabbing status updates on Saturday involving broken hearts and loss. Then at 1504 hrs,  she checked in at the Cold Stone Creamery on Warrensville Center Road with the text, “A Chocolate Devotion™ for a lost soul…” At 1532 hrs the FBI dispatched agents to Jessica’s residence and the Cold Stone location.

Gen. Hayden spoke briefly on the matter in a closed door session with the President and his Joint Chiefs of Staff on Monday morning. He reported, “According to our sources at Facebook, Jessica Sandochez posted a blurry overly processed picture of a silhouetted couple kissing with the comic sans text, ‘There are plenty of fish in the sea, but there is only one for me.’” The general then stated, “We dispatched FBI Relationship Specialist Ronda Farsec and Homeland Security Breakup Counselor Harold Moods. They arrived at Jessica’s residence at approximately 1602 hrs and interviewed her. While Jessica was depressed over the breakup, the FBI report indicates that she will be ‘ok’ and she ‘just wants time to grieve.’ I would also like to say that I really can’t believe Jessica and her boyfriend broke up after only two weeks.” President Obama asked if Jessica’s now ex-boyfriend should be listed as an “enemy combatant, so we can go ‘Bin Laden’ on his ass.” Gen. Hayden replied, “No, while he was kind of a jerk to Jessica when they broke up, he is the quarterback of the South Cleveland High School Frosh-Soph basketball team. They are in the All-City Quarter Finals this year. And, Mr. President, if I may state for the record, Go Alligators!”

President Obama concluded the briefing by congratulating Gen. Hayden and his team for a job well done. More recent NSA reports state that Jessica left some positive posts on her Facebook account and started to quote Marilyn Monroe again. Her official Homeland Security Emotional State has been downgraded from Red (Highly Unstable) to Orange (Drama Queen).

Middle Aged Woman Now Considered ‘Hottest Girl in the Office’

Montgomery Registers at 4.5 on the McJohnston Scale of Hotness

Pittsburgh, PA-Slightly over medicated 49 year old office manager, Elle-May Montgomery, received an unusual promotion on Friday. Since 1999, she has been a loyal employee at Sebsus International. But, in the male dominated world of fish hook and paperclip manufacturing, Montgomery is outnumbered six to one (men to women). The unbalanced ratio proved neither an advantage nor disadvantage for Montgomery. Then, receptionist Mary O’Shanty’s resignation on Friday disrupted the social structure of the office. Although unofficial and probably against company policy, Montgomery has risen to the status of ‘Hottest Girl in the Office’ by her male coworkers.

“I’m flattered by the promotion but, I’m embarrassed it took me a little while to realize I had assumed the role,” Montgomery said. “At first I thought it was just a coincidence. Some of the male staff started talking to me. Then, I received few random compliments and an invitation to lunch.” The office manager and mother of two finally realized that she had been elevated to ‘Hottest Girl’ when three different salesmen offered to help her carry some empty cardboard boxes to the storage room. “It just clicked in my head,” she said, “Aside from me, there are only two other women that work for this company.”

A review of the personnel files supports Montgomery’s claims. The only other two female employees are 73 year old accountant Eunice Smith and Shelly Thompson-Thompson. Thompson-Thompson is a 39 year old quadriplegic burn victim. She operates the fish hook press through a series of blinks and grunts on the factory floor. She is the youngest female employee and considered a hero for saving twenty orphans from a house fire. In spite of that, 25 of the 26 the male employees still classify her as ‘not hot.’ She falls between 0.0 and 1.0 on the McJohnston Scale of Hotness.* When asked about Montgomery’s good fortune, Thompson-Thompson replied with obvious jealousy, “Please just let me die. I cannot suffer any more. Please, I just want the pain to stop.”

Elle-May Montgomery promised to not let her new position over-inflate her self-esteem. But, she has recommended that the company appoint part time intern John [last name unknown by all employees] to the position of full time receptionist. That appointment would secure her role as ‘Hottest Girl in the Office’ for quite some time. There are currently no other open positions at the company.

Sebsus International is the leading manufacture of paper clips, fish hooks, and industrial waste in the tri-county area. The company has no connection to Sebsus International Bio-industrial Weapons Manufacturing where 25 year old accountant, Sophe Contableu, currently holds the number one hot spot.

*Developed by social scientist and fast food employee, Steven McJohnston. It quantifies female hotness on a scale 0-7.1 (where 0 = Lindsay Lohan today and 7.1 = Kate Bosworth.)

I Just Met a Guy Who Said He Didn’t Know You

Op Ed by Steve the Wet Hand – Oh hey, hello. We haven’t talked in a while. I’ve called you but you never seem to be there. Like the time when I was in the hospital and you never came to visit me. Anyways, I was just talking to that guy over there. I told him about how long we have known each other. Then he told me he didn’t know who you were. So there’s that.

Anyway, I wanted to talk to you about all my problems because you always seemed to be a good or at least indifferent listener. But the guy over there who doesn’t know you doesn’t know how good of a friend you are. Well really, you don’t walk away like most other people. I wanted to tell you about this really uncomfortable event that happened to me and I will be going into unimaginably painful detail. It’s pretty gruesome. You will want to pull your bottom lip over your face and swallow but you are a good friend and will listen and nod. You will only check your phone every minute or so to see if there is anything on Pinterest that is more interesting than my unnecessary and long story.

OK so it goes like this: I locked my keys in the car yesterday. That’s my story in a nutshell, but that is not a good enough summary.  I will describe in bleedingly painful and useless detail how it started. You’re a good buddy so you won’t just say ‘I’m sorry’ and walk away. But the guy over there who said he doesn’t know you won’t know that.  You will stick by me as I go over my entire story which starts, by the way, almost twenty four hours earlier with a bunch on nonessential detail. it will include disgusting information about my cat and its dance with a litter box. I will tell you my story and you will listen. Because you are such a good friend and the guy over there that doesn’t know you doesn’t know this about you. I will continue to talk to you, or at you, until you are literally bashing your head into the arm of the sofa. I will fill your head with a plethora of micro-details that will cause a psychic headache that the guy over there that doesn’t know you will not experience. This is because I just met him and I need to act like a normal, near-delightful person around him. I will act normally until he drops his guard and then I can unleash my all-consuming and emotionally draining self on him. You won’t know about this because you don’t know who he. He just told me has never met you.

It’s a shame because he does not know you and does not know about the social abuses that I heap on you. If you never meet him he will never know how I will suck the life from you every time I talk to you. But that is OK. Because you will sit quietly ignoring my story and only repeat the last thing I say to you when I pause. You usually make it sound like a question so that it almost sounds like we are actually having a conversation. You are a good friend like that but the guy over there who said he didn’t know you doesn’t know it.

So let me tell you the story of how I locked my keys in the car…Hey where are you going.

Alcoholic Mom Disgusted with Son’s Medical Marijuana Use

Mrs. Finklestine’s ‘Wake up’ Bloody Mary.

Boise, ID-While nursing a hangover with a ‘wake up’ Bloody Mary, suburban stay at home mom Meredith Finklestine worries alone at her kitchen table. She claims Manny Finklestine, her son, has altered his behavior and shown improved grades in his community college courses. Mrs. Finklestine stated, “I used to hear him up at all hours of the night. His insomnia kept him playing on the Internet or, I don’t know. I am usually three sheets to the wind by that time. He also used to complain about pain in his shoulder. But he doesn’t anymore.” These concerns have lead Mrs. Finklestine to the half-sober conclusion that her son is most likely using marijuana for medical purposes.

“It disgusts me, really disgusts me, to be filling his body with that crap.” Finklestine rasped to her cleaning lady, “Amanda would you like a cocktail?” Amanda declined indicating it was before noon. Finklestine then offered her a beer and ranted, “He walks around so happy. Mr. ‘Ooh I got a good night sleep and no more chronic pain.’ I know what he’s doing. It’s filthy and I won’t have it in my house. I called the cops on him last week because I could smell that disgusting drug on his clothes.” Amanda responded to Mrs. Finklestine with her thoughts about psychological projection in a thick Nicaraguan accent. She then returned to cleaning up Mrs. Finklestine’s fresh vomit on the kitchen floor.

A police report filed a week ago indicated that officers were called to the Finklestine residence for a domestic disturbance. Accusations of illicit narcotics were reported but none were found on the scene. The police did find some high grade prescription chronic but no arrests were made due to proper medical documentation.

Manny Finklestine spoke candidly over the phone about his prescription. “I talked with my doctor and, although I was apprehensive, He said that it may be the safest most natural way to treat my insomnia. I was worried about side effects but so far I haven’t noticed any. Also, my shoulder stopped hurting from where my mother dislocated it when I was ten. No, I don’t hold that against her. She was drunk and didn’t know that pushing me down the stairs would do that to me.” Manny Finklestine’s grades have continued to improve and he plans on transferring to a four year university after this semester. When asked for comment about her son’s progress, Mrs. Finklestines said, “I have no son. I have a lazy pothead loser who sleeps all night long and goes to ‘school’ all day. It’s no wonder I drink.”