Middle Aged Woman Now Considered ‘Hottest Girl in the Office’

Montgomery Registers at 4.5 on the McJohnston Scale of Hotness

Pittsburgh, PA-Slightly over medicated 49 year old office manager, Elle-May Montgomery, received an unusual promotion on Friday. Since 1999, she has been a loyal employee at Sebsus International. But, in the male dominated world of fish hook and paperclip manufacturing, Montgomery is outnumbered six to one (men to women). The unbalanced ratio proved neither an advantage nor disadvantage for Montgomery. Then, receptionist Mary O’Shanty’s resignation on Friday disrupted the social structure of the office. Although unofficial and probably against company policy, Montgomery has risen to the status of ‘Hottest Girl in the Office’ by her male coworkers.

“I’m flattered by the promotion but, I’m embarrassed it took me a little while to realize I had assumed the role,” Montgomery said. “At first I thought it was just a coincidence. Some of the male staff started talking to me. Then, I received few random compliments and an invitation to lunch.” The office manager and mother of two finally realized that she had been elevated to ‘Hottest Girl’ when three different salesmen offered to help her carry some empty cardboard boxes to the storage room. “It just clicked in my head,” she said, “Aside from me, there are only two other women that work for this company.”

A review of the personnel files supports Montgomery’s claims. The only other two female employees are 73 year old accountant Eunice Smith and Shelly Thompson-Thompson. Thompson-Thompson is a 39 year old quadriplegic burn victim. She operates the fish hook press through a series of blinks and grunts on the factory floor. She is the youngest female employee and considered a hero for saving twenty orphans from a house fire. In spite of that, 25 of the 26 the male employees still classify her as ‘not hot.’ She falls between 0.0 and 1.0 on the McJohnston Scale of Hotness.* When asked about Montgomery’s good fortune, Thompson-Thompson replied with obvious jealousy, “Please just let me die. I cannot suffer any more. Please, I just want the pain to stop.”

Elle-May Montgomery promised to not let her new position over-inflate her self-esteem. But, she has recommended that the company appoint part time intern John [last name unknown by all employees] to the position of full time receptionist. That appointment would secure her role as ‘Hottest Girl in the Office’ for quite some time. There are currently no other open positions at the company.

Sebsus International is the leading manufacture of paper clips, fish hooks, and industrial waste in the tri-county area. The company has no connection to Sebsus International Bio-industrial Weapons Manufacturing where 25 year old accountant, Sophe Contableu, currently holds the number one hot spot.

*Developed by social scientist and fast food employee, Steven McJohnston. It quantifies female hotness on a scale 0-7.1 (where 0 = Lindsay Lohan today and 7.1 = Kate Bosworth.)

I Just Met a Guy Who Said He Didn’t Know You

Op Ed by Steve the Wet Hand – Oh hey, hello. We haven’t talked in a while. I’ve called you but you never seem to be there. Like the time when I was in the hospital and you never came to visit me. Anyways, I was just talking to that guy over there. I told him about how long we have known each other. Then he told me he didn’t know who you were. So there’s that.

Anyway, I wanted to talk to you about all my problems because you always seemed to be a good or at least indifferent listener. But the guy over there who doesn’t know you doesn’t know how good of a friend you are. Well really, you don’t walk away like most other people. I wanted to tell you about this really uncomfortable event that happened to me and I will be going into unimaginably painful detail. It’s pretty gruesome. You will want to pull your bottom lip over your face and swallow but you are a good friend and will listen and nod. You will only check your phone every minute or so to see if there is anything on Pinterest that is more interesting than my unnecessary and long story.

OK so it goes like this: I locked my keys in the car yesterday. That’s my story in a nutshell, but that is not a good enough summary.  I will describe in bleedingly painful and useless detail how it started. You’re a good buddy so you won’t just say ‘I’m sorry’ and walk away. But the guy over there who said he doesn’t know you won’t know that.  You will stick by me as I go over my entire story which starts, by the way, almost twenty four hours earlier with a bunch on nonessential detail. it will include disgusting information about my cat and its dance with a litter box. I will tell you my story and you will listen. Because you are such a good friend and the guy over there that doesn’t know you doesn’t know this about you. I will continue to talk to you, or at you, until you are literally bashing your head into the arm of the sofa. I will fill your head with a plethora of micro-details that will cause a psychic headache that the guy over there that doesn’t know you will not experience. This is because I just met him and I need to act like a normal, near-delightful person around him. I will act normally until he drops his guard and then I can unleash my all-consuming and emotionally draining self on him. You won’t know about this because you don’t know who he. He just told me has never met you.

It’s a shame because he does not know you and does not know about the social abuses that I heap on you. If you never meet him he will never know how I will suck the life from you every time I talk to you. But that is OK. Because you will sit quietly ignoring my story and only repeat the last thing I say to you when I pause. You usually make it sound like a question so that it almost sounds like we are actually having a conversation. You are a good friend like that but the guy over there who said he didn’t know you doesn’t know it.

So let me tell you the story of how I locked my keys in the car…Hey where are you going.

Alcoholic Mom Disgusted with Son’s Medical Marijuana Use

Mrs. Finklestine’s ‘Wake up’ Bloody Mary.

Boise, ID-While nursing a hangover with a ‘wake up’ Bloody Mary, suburban stay at home mom Meredith Finklestine worries alone at her kitchen table. She claims Manny Finklestine, her son, has altered his behavior and shown improved grades in his community college courses. Mrs. Finklestine stated, “I used to hear him up at all hours of the night. His insomnia kept him playing on the Internet or, I don’t know. I am usually three sheets to the wind by that time. He also used to complain about pain in his shoulder. But he doesn’t anymore.” These concerns have lead Mrs. Finklestine to the half-sober conclusion that her son is most likely using marijuana for medical purposes.

“It disgusts me, really disgusts me, to be filling his body with that crap.” Finklestine rasped to her cleaning lady, “Amanda would you like a cocktail?” Amanda declined indicating it was before noon. Finklestine then offered her a beer and ranted, “He walks around so happy. Mr. ‘Ooh I got a good night sleep and no more chronic pain.’ I know what he’s doing. It’s filthy and I won’t have it in my house. I called the cops on him last week because I could smell that disgusting drug on his clothes.” Amanda responded to Mrs. Finklestine with her thoughts about psychological projection in a thick Nicaraguan accent. She then returned to cleaning up Mrs. Finklestine’s fresh vomit on the kitchen floor.

A police report filed a week ago indicated that officers were called to the Finklestine residence for a domestic disturbance. Accusations of illicit narcotics were reported but none were found on the scene. The police did find some high grade prescription chronic but no arrests were made due to proper medical documentation.

Manny Finklestine spoke candidly over the phone about his prescription. “I talked with my doctor and, although I was apprehensive, He said that it may be the safest most natural way to treat my insomnia. I was worried about side effects but so far I haven’t noticed any. Also, my shoulder stopped hurting from where my mother dislocated it when I was ten. No, I don’t hold that against her. She was drunk and didn’t know that pushing me down the stairs would do that to me.” Manny Finklestine’s grades have continued to improve and he plans on transferring to a four year university after this semester. When asked for comment about her son’s progress, Mrs. Finklestines said, “I have no son. I have a lazy pothead loser who sleeps all night long and goes to ‘school’ all day. It’s no wonder I drink.”

Zombie Tired of Brains for Dinner Again

Post-Apocalyptic Cedar City, UT-Police were called to investigate a noise complaint and possible domestic disturbance to the Sweinholdt residence on Tuesday. As officers Brink and Thohansen arrived, they found the couple viciously locked in verbal combat on the front lawn. The remains of Bobby Sweinholdt posthumously reanimated by inhaled fungal spores, was furiously grunting and gurgling at his wife Lily. The officers separated the couple amid a growing crowd of neighbors and roaming undead.

Zombie Tired of Brains for Dinner AgainOfficer Brink told reporters that the dispute arose over dinner but escalated as the undead Bobby Sweinholdt broke free from the chains that locked him to his bedroom floor. Bobby’s remains then physically assaulted his wife. She ran outside to avoid a potentially fatal bite from her zombified husband. Mrs. Sweinholdt stood her ground when her husband’s decaying corpse became entangled on the chain link fence of their front yard.

Neighbor, Effron Ericsen, witnessed the incident, “I heard a scream and I saw Lily run out of the house. She stumbled on the porch steps and fell to the ground. She must have twisted her ankle because Lily started slowly dragging herself across the lawn crying for help. That’s when I called the police.” Ericsen then said he witnessed her husband shuffle out of the house moaning with his arms raised. Mrs. Sweinholdt barely made it out of their front gate before kicking the gate closed with her uninjured foot. She then began yelling at her long dead husband. She shouted “I worked hard all day. The leftover cat brain is all we have. I’m too tired to hunt fresh mammalian brain for dinner. Besides, what have you done all day? A whole lotta nothing.” Mr. Sweinholdt’s only response was repeated grunting and moaning from deep within a rapidly decaying chest cavity.

Once the couple was separated, police had to shoot Sweinhold’s mortal coil six times just to calm him down. Animal control was called in and successfully coaxed the zombie back to his room with a fresh stray puppy. Lily Sweinholdt then thanked the officers but refused to press charges. Officer Brink admitted, “I was relieved because it’s difficult to prosecute someone who by all laws, both natural and legal, is dead. There is just so much more paperwork and we rarely go to trial. But we got the undead guy secured and told Mrs. Sweinholdt to buy some thicker chains to ensure her dead husband stays put.”

Heterosexuals Take to the Streets to Protest Marriage

Washington, D.C.-Angry heterosexuals arrived in force today in a unique turn of events on the marriage debate. Gregor Justbud head of the National Alliance to Kill Egalitarian Domestic Unions or NAKED-U spoke to a large crowed of mostly men in unhappy relationships: “We all face pressures, social, familial, and economic to pursue marriage. We are here today to say not any more.  We heteros deserve the same right to avoid marriage as do our gay brethren.” His statements received a resounding grumble from the tens of individuals in attendance. Justbud continued, “When my girlfriend asks me if I ever want to get married, its unfair that I have to have that uncomfortable conversation where I talk about how I feel. I have to avoid telling her that I am just biding my time until someone better comes along. No one should have to do that, not in my America. My gay friend Gary, he doesn’t have to talk about these things with his significant other Ronnie. Why? Because they get to live in a state where their marriage is illegal. That is discrimination and we will not stand for it.” The crowed responded with a few claps. Some stoners cheered near the back of the audience but they were confused by a mix up with a medicinal marijuana legalization rally nearby.
The movement is not without detractors as Gregor’s long term girlfriend Anitas el Naranja stood in the sidelines looking perturbed. She later stated, “I can’t believe Greg turned his refusal to talk about our relationship and his feeling into a political movement.” She was last seen walking away from the protest and hailing a taxi cab. While NAKED-U has not released any numbers on membership, the official spokesman said that their membership is growing. When pressed for plans the organization had for the future, the spokesman cut off the interview and stated, “We are not committed to anything and now is not the time to talk about the future. I need to go get a beer with my buddy but we can talk later, honey. I promise.”

Inexplicable Boner Makes Awkward Situation More Awkward

arapahoe cropArapahoe, CO – Arapahoe High School freshmen and friendless loner, Justin Wedgewood suffered another humiliating social defeat in the boys locker room last Tuesday. Already nervous and unsure of himself, Justin navigated the confusing corridors and head-butting jocks of his school to find himself in 3rd period PE. As the bells rang, Justin dressed in his standard gold on gold Arapahoe Ravenhawkes school jersey. Then, he headed out to line up in front of Coach Negroponte and his assistant Jarvis. The coach recalls, “Justin is not what I would call an athletic type. He seemed more elbows than anything and I felt sorry for him. So I thought a healthy game of dodge ball would be just what he needed to beat the nerd out of him.” After 20 minutes of pummeling from every conceivable direction, the coach decided Justin had enough and sent him to the showers.

In the showers, Justin felt what he described as an “unbeatable hard-on.” He tried to think of baseball but never understood the mechanics. Next, he tried football but ended living through the most awkward 15 minutes of his life. His saluting soldier was immediately noticed by his fellow classmates while in line waiting for a towel. “The guys lead singer was just out there for all to see,” said Assistant Coach Jarvis. Apparently his tent pole could not be concealed by the standard issue Arapahoe High School towel. Justin could not explain why his member had shifted from Florida to Eastern Seaboard mode in the boy’s locker room.

“Except for a bumpy car ride, little-big Justin usually behaves. I don’t even know why I’m talking to you about it. This horrible, embarrassing, awkward.” said Justin in a tear filled interview with the Arapaho high school newspaper reporter Kristen.
While most just laughed at the angry penguin, many of the boys in the locker room were visibly confused and awkward.

Coach Negroponte later stated, “I never took the boy for being mo. I mean, nerdy? Sure. But I did not ever think of him as a sexy, sexy gay. Hmmmm. “ Negroponte then mumbled something about squats and walked away.

Justin has not been seen in class since the incident, but no one noticed.

Facebook User Unaware Friends Only ‘Liking’ Posts Ironically

Liberal, KS – Wednesday morning, twenty-eight-year-old Angelace Marristein posted another nonsensical comment on her Facebook page. The comment said “OMG…I JUST SAWd [Deleted due to local obscenity laws]” and it caused several users to ‘unfriend’ her. Immediately afterward, she posted a photograph of herself in the bathroom of the local Fuddrucker’s imitating a constipated mallard. Each of these posts received close to 50 ‘likes’ and several encouraging comments. Unknown to Angelace, all but two of the ‘likes’ were added ironically by former acquiescence, coworkers, and classmates.

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Constipated mallard seeks creative outlet through social media.

“Oh, I love her posts,” said Elizabeth Fingerburger, “I kinda feel bad encouraging her. It’s like I’m picking on a mentally challenged kid, but I can help myself.” Fingerburger was a former classmate with her at Liberal Unified High School. She continued, “I do get tired of the pictures of falling rain or sunsets with nonsensical comic sans script promoting some vague idea of ‘girl power’ or ‘getting over a breakup.’ But usually, what she posts is unintentional comedic gold.”

Recently ‘unfriended’ corn oil futures investor, Colin MacGrisel, spoke candidly about her activity. “At first I was commenting on everything she posted. I encouraged her to post more of her ‘wisdom’ and shenanigans. But I got bored with it. Plus, they blocked the Facebook at work. I didn’t have time to comment. Then, she posted something offensive about immigrant chicken farmers poor driving skills and I had to block her. I didn’t want to be affiliated with a bigot.”

While the popularity of her comments has waned in the last year, Angelace has continued her attack on common sense, the English language, and the caps lock key. Some users attribute the downward slope of popularity to the novelty of broadcast ignorance losing its charm. Other say that the unfortunate death her former elementary English school teacher Steven J. Elderjist caused some to turn away. Rumors persist that one of Angelace’s posts was so grammatically incorrect, it may have caused him to hang himself. He was found suspended above his desk with the words “everything i have ever done is a lie” written on the chalkboard. The computer on his desk had an open window displaying Angelace Marristein’s timeline. His death is still under investigation. Angelace’s only comment on his death was, “LOL WHUT?” with a link to a newspaper article about the incident.

For more information on Angelace Marristein, suicide, corn oil futures or immigrant chicken farmers, do a Google search.