Google Releases Girth, A Fully Explorable 3D Model of Sergey Brin’s Penis

Google Girth Logo

Google Girth Logo

Subterranean Bunker, 2000 miles off the coast of North Korea – Google quietly released its latest web based technological advancement on Monday. It features a full 3D model of Google co-founder, Sergey Brin’s phallus. With Google Girth users can explore a 500 Tera-pixel representation of the computer scientist turned hydroponic meat farmer’s most private member. Comprised of 7000 intimate images of his penis, the new web application stitches these images together and overlays those on a 3D mesh created from a laser scan of the Russian born Brin’s foreskin and satchel. Beta testers were granted access to the web page earlier this month to rave reviews. A tester by the username mcgodalds stated, “I’ve always wonder what Sergey was packing, now I know. Thanks to the scale model and near infinite resolution, I can literally count the pubic hairs on his scrota. My favorite feature is the ability to bookmark your favorite locations and share them with your friends on Facebook, Twitter, MySpace and that other one, Google Plus I think.”

While initial excitement for the product has been building, some analysts have panned the website raising concerns over privacy. Lydia Salivastion, a stay at home mother of seven and part time startup investor expressed worries about the social aspects of the website. “I’m concerned with who sees what we look at on his member. I don’t see any privacy guarantees when I want to look at Mr. Brin’s delicious elbow skin. For example, if I want to Google Girth ‘Sergey’s perineum’ what advertisers see that query? Also, does the government have access to my Girth searches? I want privacy for my private, private viewing.”

No matter what the reaction, Google Girth’s popularity has grown exponentially since it went online. New users are required to sign up for a Google account at the site google.com/girth.

NSA Chief Can’t Believe Jessica Already Broke Up with Her New Boyfriend

Gen. Hayden dispatched FBI agents to console Jessica in her time of need.

Washington DC- Amid the recent accusations of snooping on the American public via social media and online services, the current head of the National Security Agency, Gen. Michael Hayden, received a startling report on Saturday. The report indicated that 14 year old Cleveland resident, Jessica Sandochez, switched her Facebook status from ‘In a Relationship’ to ‘It’s Complicated’ on Saturday afternoon. A spokesman for the NSA said, “Normally a relationship change on Facebook does not require government intervention. For example, Sandy McSmothers of 8081 North Maple Street in Ogden, UT, divorced her husband and announced it on Facebook February 3rd. We knew that breakup was coming from the private messages we intercepted between her husband, Ronny, and his ex-girlfriend. But the split between Jessica and her boyfriend was a complete shock to us. We consulted President Obama for direction on the matter.”

According the NSA report, Jessica Sandochez posted several cryptic but attention grabbing status updates on Saturday involving broken hearts and loss. Then at 1504 hrs,  she checked in at the Cold Stone Creamery on Warrensville Center Road with the text, “A Chocolate Devotion™ for a lost soul…” At 1532 hrs the FBI dispatched agents to Jessica’s residence and the Cold Stone location.

Gen. Hayden spoke briefly on the matter in a closed door session with the President and his Joint Chiefs of Staff on Monday morning. He reported, “According to our sources at Facebook, Jessica Sandochez posted a blurry overly processed picture of a silhouetted couple kissing with the comic sans text, ‘There are plenty of fish in the sea, but there is only one for me.’” The general then stated, “We dispatched FBI Relationship Specialist Ronda Farsec and Homeland Security Breakup Counselor Harold Moods. They arrived at Jessica’s residence at approximately 1602 hrs and interviewed her. While Jessica was depressed over the breakup, the FBI report indicates that she will be ‘ok’ and she ‘just wants time to grieve.’ I would also like to say that I really can’t believe Jessica and her boyfriend broke up after only two weeks.” President Obama asked if Jessica’s now ex-boyfriend should be listed as an “enemy combatant, so we can go ‘Bin Laden’ on his ass.” Gen. Hayden replied, “No, while he was kind of a jerk to Jessica when they broke up, he is the quarterback of the South Cleveland High School Frosh-Soph basketball team. They are in the All-City Quarter Finals this year. And, Mr. President, if I may state for the record, Go Alligators!”

President Obama concluded the briefing by congratulating Gen. Hayden and his team for a job well done. More recent NSA reports state that Jessica left some positive posts on her Facebook account and started to quote Marilyn Monroe again. Her official Homeland Security Emotional State has been downgraded from Red (Highly Unstable) to Orange (Drama Queen).

Facebook User Unaware Friends Only ‘Liking’ Posts Ironically

Liberal, KS – Wednesday morning, twenty-eight-year-old Angelace Marristein posted another nonsensical comment on her Facebook page. The comment said “OMG…I JUST SAWd [Deleted due to local obscenity laws]” and it caused several users to ‘unfriend’ her. Immediately afterward, she posted a photograph of herself in the bathroom of the local Fuddrucker’s imitating a constipated mallard. Each of these posts received close to 50 ‘likes’ and several encouraging comments. Unknown to Angelace, all but two of the ‘likes’ were added ironically by former acquiescence, coworkers, and classmates.

what2

Constipated mallard seeks creative outlet through social media.

“Oh, I love her posts,” said Elizabeth Fingerburger, “I kinda feel bad encouraging her. It’s like I’m picking on a mentally challenged kid, but I can help myself.” Fingerburger was a former classmate with her at Liberal Unified High School. She continued, “I do get tired of the pictures of falling rain or sunsets with nonsensical comic sans script promoting some vague idea of ‘girl power’ or ‘getting over a breakup.’ But usually, what she posts is unintentional comedic gold.”

Recently ‘unfriended’ corn oil futures investor, Colin MacGrisel, spoke candidly about her activity. “At first I was commenting on everything she posted. I encouraged her to post more of her ‘wisdom’ and shenanigans. But I got bored with it. Plus, they blocked the Facebook at work. I didn’t have time to comment. Then, she posted something offensive about immigrant chicken farmers poor driving skills and I had to block her. I didn’t want to be affiliated with a bigot.”

While the popularity of her comments has waned in the last year, Angelace has continued her attack on common sense, the English language, and the caps lock key. Some users attribute the downward slope of popularity to the novelty of broadcast ignorance losing its charm. Other say that the unfortunate death her former elementary English school teacher Steven J. Elderjist caused some to turn away. Rumors persist that one of Angelace’s posts was so grammatically incorrect, it may have caused him to hang himself. He was found suspended above his desk with the words “everything i have ever done is a lie” written on the chalkboard. The computer on his desk had an open window displaying Angelace Marristein’s timeline. His death is still under investigation. Angelace’s only comment on his death was, “LOL WHUT?” with a link to a newspaper article about the incident.

For more information on Angelace Marristein, suicide, corn oil futures or immigrant chicken farmers, do a Google search.

Local Woman Spends Hours on Pinterest

The Internet, The Internet–In an effort to numb herself to the harsh realities of suburban meaninglessness, a local woman admits to spending hours daily on image link sharing site Pinterest. Filderjay Salanfork admits to spending most of her day ‘pinning’ clothes she will never fit in and foods that keep her from fitting in said clothes. Pinterest, oft described as ‘internet for girls,’ is a social networking site where women can ‘pin’ crap that they can’t afford and foods no one should ever eat and share these findings with other, probably overweight, users. “Oh that’s a good uuugh.” Salanfork says as she clicks her mouse to add a seven layer cake-pie of various fruits, chocolates and cream frosting. Pinterest is designed to be use solely with a mouse as most users find computer keyboard keys to be too small for their well endowed fingers. Salanfork does recognized she may have a problem and says, “Sometimes I want to stop but it is just so addic…oh skinny galactic wash jeans with an elastic waistband. Sooooo, cute!”
Emaciated models reinforce negati..oh you don’t really care!

Self proclaimed Pinterest behavioral expert and part time homeless man Steve Banilitfoto stated, “By using photographic and redundant visual cues, the site can build addictive behaviors in women much like  pornographic web sites do in men. The genius is in the sites multi-column design that caters to the non linear and emotional thinking of a female brain. So uh, do you have any spare change?” While MentalDuctTape spares change for no one, Banilitfoto did have a point, and further time was spent researching phonographic internet portals. No conclusive information was gleaned from this research.

While mindless hours can be wasted away scrolling through any website on the internet. Pinterest specializes in providing page after page of pictures of cake, anorexic wedding dresses, and sunsets with poorly pasted pseudo-inspiring Helga font text. This has proven a problem for stay at home mom, Salanfork. Six year old Kateluuh Salanfork said, “Mommy, mommy, mommy, MOM!” Kateluuh received only monosyllabic ooh’s or huh’s to comfort her cries.
Pinterest is a privately-held, venture-backed social media internet site with no financial, emotional, legal or homosexual ties with MentalDuctTape.

Space Shuttle Endesvour Dunrkenly Lands at LAX After Nation Wide Pub Crawl

Los Angeles International Airport – The space shuttle Endeavour nearly crash landed at LAX on Friday after a nation wide pub crawl.  The week long bender started in Florida at a Blue Moon tavern near Kennedy Space Center. Making various stops at seedy bars and dance clubs, Endeavour tried to use his falling fame to “pick up chicks and party with supermodels.”
“I’ve been to space bitches. Bring on the hooch.” Endeavour would shout as it toured various monuments throughout the southwest United States. As a few spectators came to the White Sands Test Facility in New Mexic to see the shuttle in the air for the last time Endeavour shouted, “Hey baby wanna see my retractable arm. It’s 300 feet long. Let me just open my bay doors.” Many spectators noted that they had not seen a civil servant retire with such insatiable hedonism since bill Clinton. 
Endeavour reminisced in between body shots and gave into tears when he stated, “The first time you go into space, man, you look at the earth and you are just awestruck at the like beauty of your home planet, man.” When asked why the shuttle was now retiring, Endeavour stated, “The twenty-fifth time you go to space, you’re bored with just doing loops around the planet. I’m like, f___ this shit. I’m going to the moon! I’m the motherf___in space shuttle. I go where I want. Let’s have another boilermaker.”
Endeavour dancing and on drugs at an El Paso night Club.
In another incident, Endeavour cleared out an El Paso dance club by shouting on the dance floor, “I’m going out with a bang. Just like the Challenger.” Some patrons were seen crying in rage and disgust as they left the club.
Although Endeavours speeches have proven to be less and less coherent on the four day tour, the shuttle did sober up enough to leave Edwards Air force Base on time. But, en route to Los Angeles International the shuttle discovered the in-flight mini bar on board the modified 747 and quickly sank into an alcoholic stupor
Originally scheduled to arrive in Los Angeles on Thursday Endeavour demanded a detour to Tijuana and evidently smoked 4.2 metric tons of marijuana. “I used my afterburner to light that shit. I f___in’ got the whole town high. I’m the motherf___in space shuttle. “
Endeavour was then detained by customs for a few hours for trying to cross the border with 8.6 million pounds of uncut heroine stored in the secondary bay. NASA Officials used long standing political connections to pay a fine and avoid jail time for the shuttle. 
Endeavour is now staying at a United Airlines hangar to be repaired and prepped for transport to its final home at the California Science in Downtown Los Angeles. Experts speculate Endeavour may also be receiving treatment for alcohol dependence and an STD.

Hologram Tupac Gunned Down in Possible Gang Related Shooting

New York, NY-After an amazing comeback concert at the Coachella Valley Music Festival and a successful tour with West Coast rapper Snoop Dogg, holographic Tupac Shakur was killed in a hail of virtual gun fire. At approximately 10:22pm last Saturday, the holographic rapper was shot six times while leaving a club in New York. Computer and lighting technicians were called to the scene but were unable to revive him beyond a command prompt, even after a reboot. He was pronounced dead at the scene.

When news of his virtual death was released on Sunday his album sales skyrocketed. Also, many fans mourned his passing with flowers placed outside the club. Some were virtually inconsolable.

Coincidentally, an album with all new material will be released next week. And Tupac Shakur’s program manager said there is a plan to release six more in the next year.

One fan who had just asked for an autograph before the murder said he heard Tupac say “Not again…101100111010!” before shutting down.
No arrests have been made although, a holographic Suge Knight was downloaded for questioning. No bystanders were hurt in the shooting although one holographic bodyguard suffered minor data corruption.

Aging Bar Patron Finally has Internet Thing Figured Out

Stukukie, NY–Amongst the dirty bars tools and sticky countertops of the Hanging Wagon Saloon, a lone aging man sits smoking Marlboro Reds. He has the knowing smile that comes with an epiphany of the, possibly, life changing sort. “I told you Ace,” he calls out the the bartender polishing short tumblers and staring blankly at the wall. “I told you I’d figure it out. This whole damn Internet thing. It is like a phone but not. It does more, but you can’t talk on it.” He takes another sip from his Jim Beam, neat. “You see I used to think it was like the game ‘telephone’ we used to play. You tell someone something and then they say it and then someone else.” he grumbles, coughs and then takes another scorching drag and slowly puffs smoke out his nose in blue curls and let’s it linger.
“I told you, You can’t smoke here Rustin.” the bartender comments unchanging his blank facial stare. Rustin Fingerburger has become known as the first self-proclaimed senior citizen in the tri-state area that can effectively describe the purpose of the Internet. Joe, Joe, and Bob, other Hanging Wagon patrons, are all staring in Rustin’s direction slack jawed with respect. “Well, tell us what it really is, please!” said one of the Joes.
“If you take a telephone and plug it into a computer” Rustin continues ” then add a high voltage fiber optic to it you get computer that talk.”
“Woah,” said Bob “you mean the computers talk?”
“Not like you or I but, yes. And they talk to each other in pictures of your grandkids from your shiftless son.” he again touts two puffs of grey blue smoke from his nose. “Ace, you got a few years under us, can you confirm what ole Fingerburger is saying?” The other Joe says.
“Porn.” Ace mumbles.
“What?”
” “
“He said what!”
“The Internet is for porn” Ace said sighing and continuing the blank stare.”And you gotta put the cigarette out.”
” “
“No, you can use it for that, but is much more.” replied Fingerburger.
“No it’s not. Just porn.” Ace stands still rubbing the glasses not moving or showing any signs of other action. Then Ace says, “How are you even still alive?”
The four aging men grumble to themselves and Pencilpointy finally crushes the cigarette into the sticky bar. With those condemning words, Fingerburger soon gives up, absorbs more of his Jim Beam, and declines and further discussions of the matter.

"No Fat Chicks" Bumper Sticker Totally Effective

Shafter, CA – Steven McJohnston announced that the new bumper sticker on his lifted ’08 Ford F-250, is “totally effective”. Mr. McJohnston spoke before a loose collection of like minded individuals confirming that he has successfully lifted his prospects for finding a suitable girlfriend by a simple last minute purchase from the Pep Boys in near by Bakersfield. McJohnston stated “so, there I was picking up some more McGuiars to polish up my baby. When I saw this ‘No Fat Chicks!’ bumper sticker.” Those in attendance gave audible sounds of approval as he pointed out the sticker newly affixed on the late model Ford pickup. “I put is just below the FOX and No Fear stickers so even the short ones could read it.” Mr. McJohnston said to an audience of cat call and an “Awe Yeah!” from his best bro Brett. When asked of the effectiveness of the new emblem on his truck McJohnston simply looked around and pressed his lips in a knowing smile and said “You see any around here?”

Further study divulges a near complete drop in the number of fat chicks in the 100 yard radius around the truck. Although more conclusive examination is needed to note the effects when said truck is near an Arby’s or off-brand doughnut shop. Preliminary and anecdotal reports are labeling this effect the McJohnson Push.
Some skeptics and “haters” are attributing the effect more to the fact that he broke up with is long time girlfriend Shelly for being too fat. “She was pushing 2.5 bills!” says Scott (no last name given) while pulling on the gold chain on his neck and adjusting his flat billed cap. “I mean, seriously that’s pretty cold and he ain’t got any other girls around him now.” Suggesting the effect may push away all available females of breeding age within the radius of study.
McJohnson claims that is not the case but produced no evidence to the contrary.