Ensure Introduces Ensure HD and Ensure Extreme for Active Seniors

Abbott Park, IL – If you are over sixty, lacking basic nutrition, and low on energy, Abbott Laboratories has great news. The makers of Ensure, New Ensure, and Ensure Classic are proud to release Ensure HD and Ensure Extreme. Loaded with extra calories, a near lethal dose of caffeine, and essential nutrients, the energy bursting flavor of these new drinks will help you keep your active senior lifestyle going strong.

Harry Johnson, 72, enjoys Ensure Extreme while snowboarding.

If you have a long day of shuffleboard in the commons or keep regressing to memories of when you were a twenty year old debutante, Ensure HD keeps your metabolism burning well into the early bird special at the Denny’s. If you feel more active and plan water aerobics at the YMCA, then Ensure Extreme will give you the extra burst of strength when you are tits (knees) deep in community pool. Ensure HD and Ensure Extreme are for the busy sexagenarian who aren’t satisfied living their sunset years watching the Wheel of Fortune with the Pat Sajak on the tube.

Also, coming this fall enjoy Ensure Dark. Ensure Dark keeps your geriatric nightlife burning by adding a touch of Viagra to each bottle. Ensure Dark will redefine Tuesday Night Bingo into a wrinkled and sagging flesh orgy of dusty passion. All Ensure products are available in your local supermarket or convalescent hospital.

Ed. Note – This may be an ad but we are not sure.

4 Friends Completely Bored Watching Football

Anaheim, CA- Amidst the picturesque trees and well-manicured foliage of suburbia, four men commiserate the misery of Sunday football. Steve Lawrence, Spencer Haunches, Tyrone Tyrone, and Doug Hu sit in total boredom watching grown men scramble for an odd shaped ball on a 55 inch LCD screen. Lawrence, the host of the afternoon’s shitfest, admitted to his longtime girlfriend, “I hate football, but I’m not a very creative man. I wanted to have the guys over. So, I used football as an excuse. Go, team somethingorother!” Childhood friend Tyrone Tyrone said, “I have no idea what is going on with football. I just shout the last name of whoever the announcer just said and say ‘yeah!’ I have to keep it vague because I don’t know who to root for.”

Spencer Haunches doesn’t even pretend to like American Football.

Spencer Haunches sitting at the end of the couch is the most vocal about his dislike of American Football but admits that he puts up with it to hang out with his friends. He stated, “In my country we have no complicated sports like this football. I don’t get it. The balls over here now it’s there. Seriously, fuck. I’m so bored. At least there is free beer.” Doug Hu stares intensely at the pixilated pigskin bouncing around the television before him. His mind is with his wife who had plans to go to Ikea in the afternoon. Doug sips on his beer but imagines a delicious Swedish meatball meal for a reasonable price. He could be enjoying the meal with his wife. The word ‘shit’ slips from his mouth in dismay and Tyrone Tyrone looks over at him and says “I know. Sanderson, yeah?!?”

Lawrence regressed to quietly looking at Facebook on his phone but tried to be attentive to his guests. “Who needs a beer?” He yells over the exceedingly loud television.

“I’m good. Walther, yeah!”

“I’ll take one, Steve. You don’t have any meatballs do your?”

“I’ll get the beers, Steve. I don’t understand what’s going on with your crazy American game anyway.”

The boredom overwhelmed the group towards the end of the 4th quarter with the score tied and one minute on the clock. Lawrence suggested that since the game was almost over and one team or the other would eventually win they should go to the local Hooters for some celebratory wings and a pitcher. Tyrone Tyrone said, “Yeah boobs!” Hu responded, “Man, my wife has boobs. I could have been causally grabbing them all day with a stomach full of reasonably priced Ikea meatballs.” Spencer agreed, “I like American boobs.” It was then that Steve Lawrence remembered why he liked his friends so much: because boobs.

Make-a-Wish Director Becomes Embittered as Donations Fall

Michael J. Robinson is sick of all the whiny sh…

Inglewood, CA – Facing diminishing donations and a tight budget, Director and CFO of the Make-a-Wish foundation Michael J. Robinson has become increasingly resentful of the demands of terminally sick children. In 2006 at the height of a spendthrift economy, the Make-a-Wish Foundation received plenty of contributions and budgetary problems were nonexistent. Robinson stated, “Those were good times. If a 12 year old wanted to do a million dollar super sweet sixteen party because she wouldn’t see her 13th birthday, we said no problem. Those days are gone.” Robinson then wiped a small tear from his eye.

As the economy crashed and donations slowed to a trickle Robinson faced layoffs for the first time in his tenure. “I had to lay off a few very good workers go so that we could pay for a huge parade for Johnny VanVanson. Johnny didn’t live long enough to make it to the parade day. It just took too long to plan everything. We canceled all we could but we lost a lot of money in that deal.” Robinson related that the damaged to the morale of the organization hurt him the most. Instead of making dreams come true, their focus fell on budget.

Robinson shifted his work to begging for donations rather than visiting with sick children. “It’s better this way. I’m tired of telling the dying kids ‘no’ we just don’t have the money. I don’t want to say, ‘Timmy, do you know the cost and logistical nightmare it would be to move your respirator and thousands of dollars medical equipment to the pitcher’s mound at Coors Field? All that so you could throw the first pitch for a preseason game. The insurance premiums alone could bankrupt us. Can you wish for something a little more around $1000?” Robinson’s assistant Vergil Salanfork stated, “He used to love his job but I knew things were too much for him when he tried to strangle a 14 year old cancer patient for asking to have Miley Cyrus perform for her at the hospital. He shouted something like ‘You little bitch. Do you know how much a first class plane ticket costs?’ We don’t let him visit the children anymore.” To help alleviate some of Mr. Robinsons stress MDT readers can donate here.

US Congressman Tests Positive for Human-like Traits

Sniderdon-Accused of tolerance and reasonableness.

Washington, DC – A young Republican representative from North Carolina, Jack Sniderton, has been placed on immediate probation after failing a standard drug screening test required for all members of Congress. In recent months, Sinderton has fallen under harsh criticisms from both Republican and Democrat peers for showing excessive amounts of logic and thoughtfulness. Allegations of compassion and reasonableness for both his contemporaries and his constituents have dogged the new member of congress since he was elected a year ago. Some have accused him of working on insightful legislation that was not poorly written and rushed. Democratic Senator from California, Dianne Feinstein, said, “Sniderton is a perfect example of a naive but corrupted first termer. I’ve heard that some have seen him come in to the office with hope in his eyes and a positive outlook. When I have interacted with him, I sometimes suspect that he has his constituent’s best interest at heart. I hope that an investigation will clear his name but from the circumstances he seems to be acting almost human.”

Article 7 of the 2001 Patriot Act strictly forbids thoughtfulness, kindness, and humanity in congressmen and any elected official. A congressional committee will be formed to weigh the evidence against Sniderton. If he is found guilty, he faces immediate expulsion from his office and criminal charges of treason and inciting anarchy.

Republican Congressman Eric Cantor, friend and mentor of Sniderton, spoke about the situation, “I’m not sure what happened. When he worked with me he was prone to taking brib…uh, donations just like the rest of us. He has such promise as a rhetoric spouting corporate shill. Now, I don’t know what to think. I just feel hurt. I hurt for him and his highly funded supporters.”

The drug test that he failed screens for compassion enhancing substances and anti-narcissistic tendencies. The committee will convene on Monday to review the evidence and, if necessary, take further action.

Google Releases Girth, A Fully Explorable 3D Model of Sergey Brin’s Penis

Google Girth Logo

Subterranean Bunker, 2000 miles off the coast of North Korea – Google quietly released its latest web based technological advancement on Monday. It features a full 3D model of Google co-founder, Sergey Brin’s phallus. With Google Girth users can explore a 500 Tera-pixel representation of the computer scientist turned hydroponic meat farmer’s most private member. Comprised of 7000 intimate images of his penis, the new web application stitches these images together and overlays those on a 3D mesh created from a laser scan of the Russian born Brin’s foreskin and satchel. Beta testers were granted access to the web page earlier this month to rave reviews. A tester by the username mcgodalds stated, “I’ve always wonder what Sergey was packing, now I know. Thanks to the scale model and near infinite resolution, I can literally count the pubic hairs on his scrota. My favorite feature is the ability to bookmark your favorite locations and share them with your friends on Facebook, Twitter, MySpace and that other one, Google Plus I think.”

While initial excitement for the product has been building, some analysts have panned the website raising concerns over privacy. Lydia Salivastion, a stay at home mother of seven and part time startup investor expressed worries about the social aspects of the website. “I’m concerned with who sees what we look at on his member. I don’t see any privacy guarantees when I want to look at Mr. Brin’s delicious elbow skin. For example, if I want to Google Girth ‘Sergey’s perineum’ what advertisers see that query? Also, does the government have access to my Girth searches? I want privacy for my private, private viewing.”

No matter what the reaction, Google Girth’s popularity has grown exponentially since it went online. New users are required to sign up for a Google account at the site google.com/girth.

World Peace Declared After Mind Blowing Local Stand Up Performance

Pasadena, CA-An unprecedented display of benevolence and humanitarianism has exploded onto the world scene. Leaders from every major power (even some from those countries you can’t pronounce) have convened in Pasadena, California to sign a peace treaty that will end every major conflict on the globe today. The cause of this unprecedented show of brotherhood was traced to a simple gathering of likeminded individuals last Thursday night at The Ice House Comedy Club. What started as a simple comedy showcase hosted by veteran comedian Julie Sandoval, soon electrified the audience with a power house of local talent. The showcase featured comics Luke Turalitsch, Bruce McKinnon, Tania Bering, Michael Sabbatino, John Gerald, Kevin Bayley, and Evan Copage. The performer’s jocularity coated all in attendance with a sticky

Presidential Medal of Freedom nominee and stand up comedian Bruce McKinnon.

emotional layer of good cheer and love. As they left the show that night, the feelings spread from the attendees to nearby neighborhoods like a free flowing plague of happiness. Neighbors were no longer strangers; enemies became friends, and prison door opened as an outpouring of goodwill overtook resident’s common sense. Over the weekend, this force had spread across the US and began appearing internationally.

The Secretary-General of the United Nations, Ban Ki-moon, then called for an emergency United Nations conference to address the global issues involved when citizens in the global community are no longer “dicks.” He said, “Soldiers have laid down their guns, terrorists have laid down their explosive vests, and Bono from U2 has finally stopped talking about starving people in Africa from his mansion in Ireland. It is time we, as world leaders, respond to the calls of our constituents…or eliminate them so we can keep making money from war. Either way, I don’t really care.”

The comedians who performed last Thursday have all been nominated for a Presidential Medal of Freedom and the Nobel Peace prize. Some will also be performing at The Weekly Ice House Sunday Comedy Variety Show in September.

Apathetic Man Doesn’t Care that He Doesn’t Care

Pittsburgh, PA-Lack of fellow feeling or care for someone who looks different or is from somewhere that doesn’t speak your language is nothing new. Most people are aware of that prejudice. They may even be bothered by their own apathetic attitude. But Pittsburgh resident Manny Skankowitz has hardened his heart to a new level. He simply stopped caring that he doesn’t care. His loving wife Mari Skankowitz noticed the change in his personality during the so called Arab Spring of 2011. She stated, “When I mentioned the events in Tunisia he said ‘Oh wow I should read about that.’ Just like every other self-centered American. But, by the time Bahrain was beginning to revolt he said, ‘I don’t even know where that is. I don’t care. And you know what, I don’t care that I don’t care.’”

Some researchers have dubbed this mental attitude Hyperapathy. Dr. Johan Sebastian Rock, an expert in the field of post dramatic stress and phantom paranoia, stated “Hyperapathy is an new trend we have been seeing only in the most calloused and self centered who live within the narcissistic spectrum.” He then made a few other presumably valid points but the MDT reporter stopped taking notes and thought about how much laundry was waiting to be folded at home.

There was a pretty cool chart that kinda describes how Manny Skankowitz thinks compared to an average person that the good but terribly uninteresting doctor drew up from a study or lab test or something. I pasted it below so you fine readers can look too, if you care to.

Provided by the Research Institute

While Manny may have lost his care of caring, his wife has hope that there may be treatment for his condition. “I don’t know maybe we can have him look at kittens for a while or buy him a dog as a pet.” Dr. Rock stated “I’ve gotta get out of here. I have plans tonight.” No signs of improvement have been seen in Mr. Skankowitz, but then again most of you readers probably don’t care. And you don’t care about that. Neither do we.

Poll: Most Americans Unafraid of Terrorism When Gov’t Employee Has Finger in Ass

TSA agent finishes rectal exam and prevents fear of terrorism.

Warsaw, Poland-A new poll from the Poll Institute of Polling in Poland indicates that Americans no longer fear attacks from terrorists like they did just a few years ago. Working in conjunction with the Gestapo FBI, TSA, and KGB NSA, the institute reported that 50 percent of US citizens felt no fear of a terrorist attack while undergoing a rectal exam by a government agent. The report also stated that 25 percent were only slightly worried which is down from 47 percent just three years ago. The remaining 25 percent felt that there was still an eminent danger and requested further repeated and more penetrating digital exams. The interviews were conducted with travelers at several major airports including SFO and JFK airports as well as 4 federal prisons in Los Angeles, Tampa, and West Hollywood.

Source: Poll Institute of Polling, Poland

Further data showed that fear of terrorist attacks on the US dropped exponentially in relation to the depth of digital insertion. While the level of fear felt by those polled was ‘elevated’ when a gloved finger lightly caressed an interviewee’s sphincter, that level significantly decreased when a third of a finger was inserted rectally. A 90 percent drop in fear was noted once an overweight TSA agents thick sausage fingers reached two thirds deep. An interesting side note is that the numbers seem to be unaffected by the amount of lubricant used in each interview.

A NSA spokesman said, “With the positive results we are seeing from the successful implementation of our rectal investigation policies, we plan to increase our efforts both in length and girth. We hope to have an agent’s finger in the ass of every American. Then US citizens will no longer live in fear of terrorist attacks.” The spokesman refused to comment on if the additional probing actually prevented any acts of terrorism.

Mental Duct Tape wants to hear from you:

Op-ED: Wedding DJ Totally Off the Hook

Op-Ed by Assistant DJ Kyle

Awe yeah, check it! Bitches be all grovin’ to the smooth rhythm of my dawg here, DJ Snuggles. He’s like “the man” scratchin’ out the dopest songs from his dual iPod mixer for the Snader-Wilhelm wedding. I axed him “Yo, how you keep it fresh for the kids and the oldsters?” He put me in my place though. He all, “Dude shut up, it’s the father-daughter dance. Show some respect.” He be right but, then he gave me that look like, ‘Oh yeah it’s gonna be ON later.’

Assistant DJ, DJ Kyle claims Snader-Wilhelm wedding off the hizzook.

So he kept playing the slow jams but kept it real white bread, you know. It was the Neil Diamond shiz. I ain’t into that. But, you gotta make grandma happy until, she be like ‘Oh I’m like almost dead and, I gotta go change my Depends.’ That’s when I see DJ Snuggles big brain. He be all taking ‘erybody through time. Start off slow and old like, until Grandpa get tired and go to bed. Then bring that party music to the seventies and play some Kool and the Gang for the Moms and Dads. Awe yeah, ‘Celebrate good times. Come On.’

I feel it.

When the Snader mom be like too drunk to remember and she be stumblin’ out of the rented hall at the Double Tree in West Covina, DJ Snuggles turn up the bass and hit us with some CNC Music Factory. Everybody Dance, NOW! That be like a booty’ call to all the younger moms who just changed their 3000^th baby diaper and need get their groove back. Yeah they dance the best they can for people who be listening to Kidz Bop Vol. XIII for six years. It cool, fo sho.  Then they be clearing out of there at like 9:30 because the babysitter is only paid until 10:00. Plus, the sitter is half way pregnant from her boyfriend on the new leather couch. So young moms head out, but not before we all get down to some Rock Lobster and Grove is in the Heart.

Now the WesCove Double Tree is cleared out of all the oldsters and the midsters and moms and the party really gets going. The place explodes with some Skrillex and Daft Punk. The strobe lights be flashin’ like someone dialed 911. But, this is where DJ Snuggles shows all his mad skills. He be like throwin’ in some old school Jay Z and even slows it down with some Barry White. I know you all like ‘whaaaat?’ But my dog, DJ Snuggles, totally hit it just right. Not a dry panty in the house.

So now I gotta break down the equipment and pack it up ‘cause I’m just the assistant DJ, but someday. Someday, I’ll be bust out the sick beats like my dog, DJ Snuggles.

NSA Chief Can’t Believe Jessica Already Broke Up with Her New Boyfriend

Gen. Hayden dispatched FBI agents to console Jessica in her time of need.

Washington DC- Amid the recent accusations of snooping on the American public via social media and online services, the current head of the National Security Agency, Gen. Michael Hayden, received a startling report on Saturday. The report indicated that 14 year old Cleveland resident, Jessica Sandochez, switched her Facebook status from ‘In a Relationship’ to ‘It’s Complicated’ on Saturday afternoon. A spokesman for the NSA said, “Normally a relationship change on Facebook does not require government intervention. For example, Sandy McSmothers of 8081 North Maple Street in Ogden, UT, divorced her husband and announced it on Facebook February 3rd. We knew that breakup was coming from the private messages we intercepted between her husband, Ronny, and his ex-girlfriend. But the split between Jessica and her boyfriend was a complete shock to us. We consulted President Obama for direction on the matter.”

According the NSA report, Jessica Sandochez posted several cryptic but attention grabbing status updates on Saturday involving broken hearts and loss. Then at 1504 hrs,  she checked in at the Cold Stone Creamery on Warrensville Center Road with the text, “A Chocolate Devotion™ for a lost soul…” At 1532 hrs the FBI dispatched agents to Jessica’s residence and the Cold Stone location.

Gen. Hayden spoke briefly on the matter in a closed door session with the President and his Joint Chiefs of Staff on Monday morning. He reported, “According to our sources at Facebook, Jessica Sandochez posted a blurry overly processed picture of a silhouetted couple kissing with the comic sans text, ‘There are plenty of fish in the sea, but there is only one for me.’” The general then stated, “We dispatched FBI Relationship Specialist Ronda Farsec and Homeland Security Breakup Counselor Harold Moods. They arrived at Jessica’s residence at approximately 1602 hrs and interviewed her. While Jessica was depressed over the breakup, the FBI report indicates that she will be ‘ok’ and she ‘just wants time to grieve.’ I would also like to say that I really can’t believe Jessica and her boyfriend broke up after only two weeks.” President Obama asked if Jessica’s now ex-boyfriend should be listed as an “enemy combatant, so we can go ‘Bin Laden’ on his ass.” Gen. Hayden replied, “No, while he was kind of a jerk to Jessica when they broke up, he is the quarterback of the South Cleveland High School Frosh-Soph basketball team. They are in the All-City Quarter Finals this year. And, Mr. President, if I may state for the record, Go Alligators!”

President Obama concluded the briefing by congratulating Gen. Hayden and his team for a job well done. More recent NSA reports state that Jessica left some positive posts on her Facebook account and started to quote Marilyn Monroe again. Her official Homeland Security Emotional State has been downgraded from Red (Highly Unstable) to Orange (Drama Queen).