Originally published on December 20, 2012-Vatican City, Vatican – Pope Benedict XVI announced the release of an updated version of the Bible, last Tuesday.
Taking a break from giving excuses for past unconscionable behavior, Benedict announced the new version and discussed many of its features. The Pope stepped away from tradition by appearing in a black turtle neck on a stage with two white easy chairs and a large projected screen. The presentation began with a brief overview of the history of the book. Speaking through an interpreter he stated, “The bible is the best-selling book in history. In fact, last year, there were over 100 million sold. But we have seen stagnation in the features of the Good Book. So today I would like to introduce, the New Bible.” The audience fawned as a picture of a simple black book with no words on the cover appeared on the screen overhead.
The Pope then spoke about its new features, “We have simplified the cover so that it is a solid black single piece of leather; it is truly unibody construction. Our designers have selected the best paper for printing so that the New Bible is now 1.7 mm thinner than any other printed before it. It is also 28 grams lighter which, admittedly, dose not sound like much. But, when you hold it in your hand you will be amazed at the difference.” He then told the audience that it would be release March 14th. Immediately, the most faithful in attendance left the auditorium to go line up in front of churches to be one of the first to own a New Bible.
The Pope then revealed some of the new features inside, “While we left the contents the same, we did do some shuffling. Now, we placed the books in alphabetical order so that they could be found easier. Also for prophetic books, we added “Spoiler Alert” in red text for sections of prophecy that have not occurred yet. This is for the faithful who want to be surprised by the apocalypse.”
After the announcement, one critic panned the New Bible and said, “The Pope and company are just releasing the same dogma. It just has an improved cover and a few features. I mean do we really need a “spoiler alert” tag. I’ve never even opened my old Bible.” Another audience member complained, “The ten dollar price is not bad. But, I don’t want to get locked into a two year tithing contract. Especially with the weak services that my church has been having lately.”
The New Bible will be available on March 14th for Catholics only, on contract. But, it will become available to other faith carriers at an undisclosed later date.
Hollywood, CA-What ever happened to Steve Urkel? Did he ever get that kiss he longed for from Laura Winslow? Did Carl ever get that promotion in his precinct? Would Larry and Balki ever join the show in a very special 1 hour Perfect Strangers/Family Matters crossover? Fortunately for long time Family Matters fans these burning questions and more will soon be answered. With the Emmy nominated success of new Arrested Development episodes, Netflix announced that it will be reuniting the original cast of Family Matters for an exclusive 13 episode season. Family Matter began airing in 1989 as a spin off to the ABC hit Perfect Strangers but to the pain and sorrow of diehard fans was canceled in 1998 due to dwindling ratings.
Reed Hastings, the Netflix Co-Founder, spoke about the challenges of bringing together the original cast, “Most of the actors were excited to reprise their roles in the long forgotten show. The last to join was Jaleel White who played the ubiquitous Urkel. He adamantly refused to come aboard and accused the original show of ruining his career. So, I took him to the highest point in Los Angeles and showed him all the kingdoms of Hollywood. I told him that if he did just one season for me, I could offer him all the benefits of true stardom. Then he agreed” Thus, Steve Urkel was born again.
When asked who would be reprising the motherly role of Harriette Winslow, Jo Marie Payton or mid series replacement Judyann Elder, Hastings said, “I can’t give anything away but both actresses have agreed to be a part of the new series.” He then hinted at a running gag of the actresses switching places mid scene.
The Netflix Original Series will begin filming this fall and is set to be released in the summer of 2014 on the streaming network.
New York, NY-Fashion model Amanda ‘Clarneesie’ Hutchinson is shaking up the modeling and fashion industry with her unique style and Lycra straining weight gain. The 6’2″ model stirred up the buzz when she premiered at New York Fashion Week carrying an additional 1.5 lbs. (0.68 kg) on her body. The added mass forced designers to squeeze her into a size 0 instead of the standard 00. “I like that she is taking chances”, says friend and fellow model Dernika, “To show up at Fashion Week so fat and still expect to go up. She is really brave.” To the surprise of many, her appearance was celebrated by most in attendance. Designer Fredrick Sanders gleefully embiggened Clarneesie’s dress by 0.2cm at the waist and a whole 0.5cm at the hips. Sanders stated, “It was a surprise to me when she showed up looking so huge. I was livid at first but I realized we could really grab the audience’s attention by putting a fat cow up there. It really worked.”
Her weight gain is not without is critics. 84lb (38kg) rival ShAneesie spoke out against the change, “With obesity on the rise worldwide, I think it’s careless to send this type of message. I totally saw Clarnessie eat two carrot sticks yesterday and she didn’t even throw it up afterward. It’s like she just wants to flaunt her weight. I think she might even be growing breasts. Disgusting.” Another model stated, “I think she is just getting lazy. She’s just letting herself go by gaining another pound. She said she skipped cardio this morning. Does she want to become a Lane Bryant model?”
With the controversy surrounding Clarnessie’s appearance, the model has taken the additional attention to further her career and speak out against the dangers of both obesity and anorexia. She stated, “Having now lived on both extremes of the scale, I think we put too much emphasis on weight. We all know the only thing that matters is looks. I think it’s ok to be a few pounds under or over weight, just don’t be ugly and things will go good for you.”
For further information on obesity and anorexia, just friggen’ Google it. Don’t be lazy.
Abbott Park, IL – If you are over sixty, lacking basic nutrition, and low on energy, Abbott Laboratories has great news. The makers of Ensure, New Ensure, and Ensure Classic are proud to release Ensure HD and Ensure Extreme. Loaded with extra calories, a near lethal dose of caffeine, and essential nutrients, the energy bursting flavor of these new drinks will help you keep your active senior lifestyle going strong.
If you have a long day of shuffleboard in the commons or keep regressing to memories of when you were a twenty year old debutante, Ensure HD keeps your metabolism burning well into the early bird special at the Denny’s. If you feel more active and plan water aerobics at the YMCA, then Ensure Extreme will give you the extra burst of strength when you are tits (knees) deep in community pool. Ensure HD and Ensure Extreme are for the busy sexagenarian who aren’t satisfied living their sunset years watching the Wheel of Fortune with the Pat Sajak on the tube.
Also, coming this fall enjoy Ensure Dark. Ensure Dark keeps your geriatric nightlife burning by adding a touch of Viagra to each bottle. Ensure Dark will redefine Tuesday Night Bingo into a wrinkled and sagging flesh orgy of dusty passion. All Ensure products are available in your local supermarket or convalescent hospital.
Ed. Note – This may be an ad but we are not sure.
Anaheim, CA- Amidst the picturesque trees and well-manicured foliage of suburbia, four men commiserate the misery of Sunday football. Steve Lawrence, Spencer Haunches, Tyrone Tyrone, and Doug Hu sit in total boredom watching grown men scramble for an odd shaped ball on a 55 inch LCD screen. Lawrence, the host of the afternoon’s shitfest, admitted to his longtime girlfriend, “I hate football, but I’m not a very creative man. I wanted to have the guys over. So, I used football as an excuse. Go, team somethingorother!” Childhood friend Tyrone Tyrone said, “I have no idea what is going on with football. I just shout the last name of whoever the announcer just said and say ‘yeah!’ I have to keep it vague because I don’t know who to root for.”
Spencer Haunches sitting at the end of the couch is the most vocal about his dislike of American Football but admits that he puts up with it to hang out with his friends. He stated, “In my country we have no complicated sports like this football. I don’t get it. The balls over here now it’s there. Seriously, fuck. I’m so bored. At least there is free beer.” Doug Hu stares intensely at the pixilated pigskin bouncing around the television before him. His mind is with his wife who had plans to go to Ikea in the afternoon. Doug sips on his beer but imagines a delicious Swedish meatball meal for a reasonable price. He could be enjoying the meal with his wife. The word ‘shit’ slips from his mouth in dismay and Tyrone Tyrone looks over at him and says “I know. Sanderson, yeah?!?”
Lawrence regressed to quietly looking at Facebook on his phone but tried to be attentive to his guests. “Who needs a beer?” He yells over the exceedingly loud television.
“I’m good. Walther, yeah!”
“I’ll take one, Steve. You don’t have any meatballs do your?”
“I’ll get the beers, Steve. I don’t understand what’s going on with your crazy American game anyway.”
The boredom overwhelmed the group towards the end of the 4th quarter with the score tied and one minute on the clock. Lawrence suggested that since the game was almost over and one team or the other would eventually win they should go to the local Hooters for some celebratory wings and a pitcher. Tyrone Tyrone said, “Yeah boobs!” Hu responded, “Man, my wife has boobs. I could have been causally grabbing them all day with a stomach full of reasonably priced Ikea meatballs.” Spencer agreed, “I like American boobs.” It was then that Steve Lawrence remembered why he liked his friends so much: because boobs.
Inglewood, CA – Facing diminishing donations and a tight budget, Director and CFO of the Make-a-Wish foundation Michael J. Robinson has become increasingly resentful of the demands of terminally sick children. In 2006 at the height of a spendthrift economy, the Make-a-Wish Foundation received plenty of contributions and budgetary problems were nonexistent. Robinson stated, “Those were good times. If a 12 year old wanted to do a million dollar super sweet sixteen party because she wouldn’t see her 13th birthday, we said no problem. Those days are gone.” Robinson then wiped a small tear from his eye.
As the economy crashed and donations slowed to a trickle Robinson faced layoffs for the first time in his tenure. “I had to lay off a few very good workers go so that we could pay for a huge parade for Johnny VanVanson. Johnny didn’t live long enough to make it to the parade day. It just took too long to plan everything. We canceled all we could but we lost a lot of money in that deal.” Robinson related that the damaged to the morale of the organization hurt him the most. Instead of making dreams come true, their focus fell on budget.
Robinson shifted his work to begging for donations rather than visiting with sick children. “It’s better this way. I’m tired of telling the dying kids ‘no’ we just don’t have the money. I don’t want to say, ‘Timmy, do you know the cost and logistical nightmare it would be to move your respirator and thousands of dollars medical equipment to the pitcher’s mound at Coors Field? All that so you could throw the first pitch for a preseason game. The insurance premiums alone could bankrupt us. Can you wish for something a little more around $1000?” Robinson’s assistant Vergil Salanfork stated, “He used to love his job but I knew things were too much for him when he tried to strangle a 14 year old cancer patient for asking to have Miley Cyrus perform for her at the hospital. He shouted something like ‘You little bitch. Do you know how much a first class plane ticket costs?’ We don’t let him visit the children anymore.” To help alleviate some of Mr. Robinsons stress MDT readers can donate here.