NSA Chief Can’t Believe Jessica Already Broke Up with Her New Boyfriend

Gen. Hayden dispatched FBI agents to console Jessica in her time of need.

Washington DC- Amid the recent accusations of snooping on the American public via social media and online services, the current head of the National Security Agency, Gen. Michael Hayden, received a startling report on Saturday. The report indicated that 14 year old Cleveland resident, Jessica Sandochez, switched her Facebook status from ‘In a Relationship’ to ‘It’s Complicated’ on Saturday afternoon. A spokesman for the NSA said, “Normally a relationship change on Facebook does not require government intervention. For example, Sandy McSmothers of 8081 North Maple Street in Ogden, UT, divorced her husband and announced it on Facebook February 3rd. We knew that breakup was coming from the private messages we intercepted between her husband, Ronny, and his ex-girlfriend. But the split between Jessica and her boyfriend was a complete shock to us. We consulted President Obama for direction on the matter.”

According the NSA report, Jessica Sandochez posted several cryptic but attention grabbing status updates on Saturday involving broken hearts and loss. Then at 1504 hrs,  she checked in at the Cold Stone Creamery on Warrensville Center Road with the text, “A Chocolate Devotion™ for a lost soul…” At 1532 hrs the FBI dispatched agents to Jessica’s residence and the Cold Stone location.

Gen. Hayden spoke briefly on the matter in a closed door session with the President and his Joint Chiefs of Staff on Monday morning. He reported, “According to our sources at Facebook, Jessica Sandochez posted a blurry overly processed picture of a silhouetted couple kissing with the comic sans text, ‘There are plenty of fish in the sea, but there is only one for me.’” The general then stated, “We dispatched FBI Relationship Specialist Ronda Farsec and Homeland Security Breakup Counselor Harold Moods. They arrived at Jessica’s residence at approximately 1602 hrs and interviewed her. While Jessica was depressed over the breakup, the FBI report indicates that she will be ‘ok’ and she ‘just wants time to grieve.’ I would also like to say that I really can’t believe Jessica and her boyfriend broke up after only two weeks.” President Obama asked if Jessica’s now ex-boyfriend should be listed as an “enemy combatant, so we can go ‘Bin Laden’ on his ass.” Gen. Hayden replied, “No, while he was kind of a jerk to Jessica when they broke up, he is the quarterback of the South Cleveland High School Frosh-Soph basketball team. They are in the All-City Quarter Finals this year. And, Mr. President, if I may state for the record, Go Alligators!”

President Obama concluded the briefing by congratulating Gen. Hayden and his team for a job well done. More recent NSA reports state that Jessica left some positive posts on her Facebook account and started to quote Marilyn Monroe again. Her official Homeland Security Emotional State has been downgraded from Red (Highly Unstable) to Orange (Drama Queen).

Middle Aged Woman Now Considered ‘Hottest Girl in the Office’

Montgomery Registers at 4.5 on the McJohnston Scale of Hotness

Pittsburgh, PA-Slightly over medicated 49 year old office manager, Elle-May Montgomery, received an unusual promotion on Friday. Since 1999, she has been a loyal employee at Sebsus International. But, in the male dominated world of fish hook and paperclip manufacturing, Montgomery is outnumbered six to one (men to women). The unbalanced ratio proved neither an advantage nor disadvantage for Montgomery. Then, receptionist Mary O’Shanty’s resignation on Friday disrupted the social structure of the office. Although unofficial and probably against company policy, Montgomery has risen to the status of ‘Hottest Girl in the Office’ by her male coworkers.

“I’m flattered by the promotion but, I’m embarrassed it took me a little while to realize I had assumed the role,” Montgomery said. “At first I thought it was just a coincidence. Some of the male staff started talking to me. Then, I received few random compliments and an invitation to lunch.” The office manager and mother of two finally realized that she had been elevated to ‘Hottest Girl’ when three different salesmen offered to help her carry some empty cardboard boxes to the storage room. “It just clicked in my head,” she said, “Aside from me, there are only two other women that work for this company.”

A review of the personnel files supports Montgomery’s claims. The only other two female employees are 73 year old accountant Eunice Smith and Shelly Thompson-Thompson. Thompson-Thompson is a 39 year old quadriplegic burn victim. She operates the fish hook press through a series of blinks and grunts on the factory floor. She is the youngest female employee and considered a hero for saving twenty orphans from a house fire. In spite of that, 25 of the 26 the male employees still classify her as ‘not hot.’ She falls between 0.0 and 1.0 on the McJohnston Scale of Hotness.* When asked about Montgomery’s good fortune, Thompson-Thompson replied with obvious jealousy, “Please just let me die. I cannot suffer any more. Please, I just want the pain to stop.”

Elle-May Montgomery promised to not let her new position over-inflate her self-esteem. But, she has recommended that the company appoint part time intern John [last name unknown by all employees] to the position of full time receptionist. That appointment would secure her role as ‘Hottest Girl in the Office’ for quite some time. There are currently no other open positions at the company.

Sebsus International is the leading manufacture of paper clips, fish hooks, and industrial waste in the tri-county area. The company has no connection to Sebsus International Bio-industrial Weapons Manufacturing where 25 year old accountant, Sophe Contableu, currently holds the number one hot spot.

*Developed by social scientist and fast food employee, Steven McJohnston. It quantifies female hotness on a scale 0-7.1 (where 0 = Lindsay Lohan today and 7.1 = Kate Bosworth.)

I Just Met a Guy Who Said He Didn’t Know You

Op Ed by Steve the Wet Hand – Oh hey, hello. We haven’t talked in a while. I’ve called you but you never seem to be there. Like the time when I was in the hospital and you never came to visit me. Anyways, I was just talking to that guy over there. I told him about how long we have known each other. Then he told me he didn’t know who you were. So there’s that.

Anyway, I wanted to talk to you about all my problems because you always seemed to be a good or at least indifferent listener. But the guy over there who doesn’t know you doesn’t know how good of a friend you are. Well really, you don’t walk away like most other people. I wanted to tell you about this really uncomfortable event that happened to me and I will be going into unimaginably painful detail. It’s pretty gruesome. You will want to pull your bottom lip over your face and swallow but you are a good friend and will listen and nod. You will only check your phone every minute or so to see if there is anything on Pinterest that is more interesting than my unnecessary and long story.

OK so it goes like this: I locked my keys in the car yesterday. That’s my story in a nutshell, but that is not a good enough summary.  I will describe in bleedingly painful and useless detail how it started. You’re a good buddy so you won’t just say ‘I’m sorry’ and walk away. But the guy over there who said he doesn’t know you won’t know that.  You will stick by me as I go over my entire story which starts, by the way, almost twenty four hours earlier with a bunch on nonessential detail. it will include disgusting information about my cat and its dance with a litter box. I will tell you my story and you will listen. Because you are such a good friend and the guy over there that doesn’t know you doesn’t know this about you. I will continue to talk to you, or at you, until you are literally bashing your head into the arm of the sofa. I will fill your head with a plethora of micro-details that will cause a psychic headache that the guy over there that doesn’t know you will not experience. This is because I just met him and I need to act like a normal, near-delightful person around him. I will act normally until he drops his guard and then I can unleash my all-consuming and emotionally draining self on him. You won’t know about this because you don’t know who he. He just told me has never met you.

It’s a shame because he does not know you and does not know about the social abuses that I heap on you. If you never meet him he will never know how I will suck the life from you every time I talk to you. But that is OK. Because you will sit quietly ignoring my story and only repeat the last thing I say to you when I pause. You usually make it sound like a question so that it almost sounds like we are actually having a conversation. You are a good friend like that but the guy over there who said he didn’t know you doesn’t know it.

So let me tell you the story of how I locked my keys in the car…Hey where are you going.

Bald Guy Thinks He Looks Good, Still Bald

BAAAAAAALLLLLLLD!

Skokie, IL-Jerry Fitzgerald has never felt as good as he does today. Last January 1st he pledged to start over and make positive changes. He signed up at his local 24 Hour Fitness and began his first steps toward a new life. Six months into his new routine, the forty two year old has dropped 30 pounds and has never felt better. Through hard work and exercise, Fitzgerald has transformed his pudgy 225 pound frame into a lean, vicious 195 pound exercise enthusiast.

Unfortunately, he still suffers from a disfiguring handicap. He is irreversibly bald. Instead of thick curly blond locks, Fitzgerald faces the mirror with a tear in his eye and a barren wasteland upon his head. After losing almost all of his cranial foliage in the autumn of his life, he shaved the sad remnants of a once vigorous youth from the edges of his head.

“My arms are bigger than ever and I run at least five miles a day,” says the new fitness aficionado. But, when asked about what he was running from his eyes misted over and watered a bit. He managed to choke out the word, “Nothing.” We can only assume he is running from his debilitating, cleanly polished dome. Neighbors noticed the hard work that Fitzgerald put into his fitness routine. “I’ve seen him run past my house almost every day for the last six months,” explained Beta Johnston, a retired cable splicer, “At first I thought he would just give up. But I see the sun bouncing off his closely shorn scalp every afternoon. It’s good to see someone disabled work so very hard.”

Fitzgerald also noted, “I know I’m in better shape. When I jog past the elementary school, the kids say, ‘run Baldy, run!’ They used to say ‘run Bald Fatty, run!’ So I know there is a noticeable difference.” The horrific remnant of what was a once suitable head has not soured the man’s drive and outlook on life. He is a hero to all who are blinded by the sunlight reflected from his head.

Alcoholic Mom Disgusted with Son’s Medical Marijuana Use

Mrs. Finklestine’s ‘Wake up’ Bloody Mary.

Boise, ID-While nursing a hangover with a ‘wake up’ Bloody Mary, suburban stay at home mom Meredith Finklestine worries alone at her kitchen table. She claims Manny Finklestine, her son, has altered his behavior and shown improved grades in his community college courses. Mrs. Finklestine stated, “I used to hear him up at all hours of the night. His insomnia kept him playing on the Internet or, I don’t know. I am usually three sheets to the wind by that time. He also used to complain about pain in his shoulder. But he doesn’t anymore.” These concerns have lead Mrs. Finklestine to the half-sober conclusion that her son is most likely using marijuana for medical purposes.

“It disgusts me, really disgusts me, to be filling his body with that crap.” Finklestine rasped to her cleaning lady, “Amanda would you like a cocktail?” Amanda declined indicating it was before noon. Finklestine then offered her a beer and ranted, “He walks around so happy. Mr. ‘Ooh I got a good night sleep and no more chronic pain.’ I know what he’s doing. It’s filthy and I won’t have it in my house. I called the cops on him last week because I could smell that disgusting drug on his clothes.” Amanda responded to Mrs. Finklestine with her thoughts about psychological projection in a thick Nicaraguan accent. She then returned to cleaning up Mrs. Finklestine’s fresh vomit on the kitchen floor.

A police report filed a week ago indicated that officers were called to the Finklestine residence for a domestic disturbance. Accusations of illicit narcotics were reported but none were found on the scene. The police did find some high grade prescription chronic but no arrests were made due to proper medical documentation.

Manny Finklestine spoke candidly over the phone about his prescription. “I talked with my doctor and, although I was apprehensive, He said that it may be the safest most natural way to treat my insomnia. I was worried about side effects but so far I haven’t noticed any. Also, my shoulder stopped hurting from where my mother dislocated it when I was ten. No, I don’t hold that against her. She was drunk and didn’t know that pushing me down the stairs would do that to me.” Manny Finklestine’s grades have continued to improve and he plans on transferring to a four year university after this semester. When asked for comment about her son’s progress, Mrs. Finklestines said, “I have no son. I have a lazy pothead loser who sleeps all night long and goes to ‘school’ all day. It’s no wonder I drink.”

Ticketmaster Adds ‘Because We Can’ Fee to Tickets

ticketmaster price2

Mumford and Sons will be the first performers to add the new fee to tickets.

Hollywood, Somewhere – Bono the oft described “Irish Rocker” and Ticketmaster CEO Nathan Somethingorother danced like giddy school girls as they spoke to reporters about a new fee that will be added to all transactions conducted through Ticketmaster. Somethingorother stated, “We are happy to announce the ‘Because We Can’ fee for the convenience of all our customers. It has been a long time coming. Ticketmaster really wanted to give something back to our customers after all the years of forced loyalty through our monopolistic practices. Is there a better way to show our appreciation than making ourselves slightly richer and milk additional dollars from the stupid mouth breathing public?” Bono then flipped the bird to the attendees and added “It’s not like you can do anything about it. And also screw you, you stupid slack jawed music fans.” Many U2 fans reportedly swooned and blogged about the greatness of the band.

This charge is in addition to the already controversial “convenience” fee and the cost for extra anal lubricant. Bono also reminded his fans that part of the ticket price went to Funding for al-Qaeda unspecified relief organizations to help something, something about Africa.

Most in attendance grumbled in irritation. Then, they pulled out their wallets and began showering the two with money. Mr. Somethingorother then laughed maniacally,  stripped naked, and rolled around in the wadded up cash. Bono later admitted that when he spoke of “Africa” was referring to his large mansion in a tax sheltering nation.

After his shameless display, Mr Somethingorother then spoke of future plans to retroactively add additional charges to concerts attended in the past.

Four Meddling Teenagers Found Murdered

Abandoned Amusement Park, VT-The bodies of four meddling teens were found at an old amusement park in upstate Vermont. Police discovered a gruesome scene of animal cruelty and violence after an anonymous call. The tip lead investigators to a warehouse in the maintenance area of the abandoned Uncle Funny’s Amusement Park. The bodies were discovered hidden under a blue tarp. Some thick rimmed glasses and an ascot were found at the scene along with pieces of a brown and black Great Dane. The only clue to the identity of the victims was a filthy aqua green mural van located outside the warehouse. Police say the van reeked of pot and brand named dog snacks.

Forensic investigators said the bodies of the victims looked mauled by someone in an animal costume. Lab reports indicated through hair analysis that the costume may have been a Yeti or Sasquatch.

Some makeshift traps were found near the crime scene. Investigators were unsure if the suspect or the victims set the net with a tripwire and a pit covered with a large tarp. Police have made no arrests but have listed old man Jenkins and a former disgruntled janitor as persons of interest. More information will be released as investigators make it available.

Zombie Tired of Brains for Dinner Again

Post-Apocalyptic Cedar City, UT-Police were called to investigate a noise complaint and possible domestic disturbance to the Sweinholdt residence on Tuesday. As officers Brink and Thohansen arrived, they found the couple viciously locked in verbal combat on the front lawn. The remains of Bobby Sweinholdt posthumously reanimated by inhaled fungal spores, was furiously grunting and gurgling at his wife Lily. The officers separated the couple amid a growing crowd of neighbors and roaming undead.

Zombie Tired of Brains for Dinner AgainOfficer Brink told reporters that the dispute arose over dinner but escalated as the undead Bobby Sweinholdt broke free from the chains that locked him to his bedroom floor. Bobby’s remains then physically assaulted his wife. She ran outside to avoid a potentially fatal bite from her zombified husband. Mrs. Sweinholdt stood her ground when her husband’s decaying corpse became entangled on the chain link fence of their front yard.

Neighbor, Effron Ericsen, witnessed the incident, “I heard a scream and I saw Lily run out of the house. She stumbled on the porch steps and fell to the ground. She must have twisted her ankle because Lily started slowly dragging herself across the lawn crying for help. That’s when I called the police.” Ericsen then said he witnessed her husband shuffle out of the house moaning with his arms raised. Mrs. Sweinholdt barely made it out of their front gate before kicking the gate closed with her uninjured foot. She then began yelling at her long dead husband. She shouted “I worked hard all day. The leftover cat brain is all we have. I’m too tired to hunt fresh mammalian brain for dinner. Besides, what have you done all day? A whole lotta nothing.” Mr. Sweinholdt’s only response was repeated grunting and moaning from deep within a rapidly decaying chest cavity.

Once the couple was separated, police had to shoot Sweinhold’s mortal coil six times just to calm him down. Animal control was called in and successfully coaxed the zombie back to his room with a fresh stray puppy. Lily Sweinholdt then thanked the officers but refused to press charges. Officer Brink admitted, “I was relieved because it’s difficult to prosecute someone who by all laws, both natural and legal, is dead. There is just so much more paperwork and we rarely go to trial. But we got the undead guy secured and told Mrs. Sweinholdt to buy some thicker chains to ensure her dead husband stays put.”

Heterosexuals Take to the Streets to Protest Marriage

Washington, D.C.-Angry heterosexuals arrived in force today in a unique turn of events on the marriage debate. Gregor Justbud head of the National Alliance to Kill Egalitarian Domestic Unions or NAKED-U spoke to a large crowed of mostly men in unhappy relationships: “We all face pressures, social, familial, and economic to pursue marriage. We are here today to say not any more.  We heteros deserve the same right to avoid marriage as do our gay brethren.” His statements received a resounding grumble from the tens of individuals in attendance. Justbud continued, “When my girlfriend asks me if I ever want to get married, its unfair that I have to have that uncomfortable conversation where I talk about how I feel. I have to avoid telling her that I am just biding my time until someone better comes along. No one should have to do that, not in my America. My gay friend Gary, he doesn’t have to talk about these things with his significant other Ronnie. Why? Because they get to live in a state where their marriage is illegal. That is discrimination and we will not stand for it.” The crowed responded with a few claps. Some stoners cheered near the back of the audience but they were confused by a mix up with a medicinal marijuana legalization rally nearby.
The movement is not without detractors as Gregor’s long term girlfriend Anitas el Naranja stood in the sidelines looking perturbed. She later stated, “I can’t believe Greg turned his refusal to talk about our relationship and his feeling into a political movement.” She was last seen walking away from the protest and hailing a taxi cab. While NAKED-U has not released any numbers on membership, the official spokesman said that their membership is growing. When pressed for plans the organization had for the future, the spokesman cut off the interview and stated, “We are not committed to anything and now is not the time to talk about the future. I need to go get a beer with my buddy but we can talk later, honey. I promise.”

Raising Children in a Post Star Wars Prequel World

photo from george allen babcock

Entertainment Op-Ed by James the Overly Protective but Detached Paternal Unit

Children are born with innocence and wonder that drives them to discover all they can in the world. As protective yet distant parents, we want to encourage this sense of discovery, while protecting them from the instant death that the outside world brings. How do we approach this task while dividing our time with other more self-important pursuits? The answer of course is media.

Televisions, movies, and the Internets are excellent ways to prevent interaction with your children, feed their sense of discovery (there’s an app, channel, and  website for that), and protect them from sudden and unexpected death. But underneath the seductive protection of media lurks dangers of another kind: bad taste in movie selection.

Innocent and dull-witted, our children can be enticed by flashing lights, big explosions, and broadly drawn characters in ridiculous nonsensical plots. More specifically I am referring to the putrid rotting stench of the Prequels. I know, all fathers out there have dreamt of the day when they could take their two and two-thirds kids to the store to pick out light sabers in their favorite colors. Then rush them home and lord over a Force induced battle royal on the living room cushions. The only way to ignite in these types of shenanigans is to spark interest in the universe the Lord Lucas released in 1977. But how can you develop interest in the holy trinity of episodes four, five, and six without your children becoming aware of the dreadful Prequels.

On a tangent, some may say that the Prequels are not so bad for children to watch. For these naysayers I present to you the case study of my niece and nephew. For three years, from the ages of five to eight, my sister’s house was filled with “Meesa want this Annie” and “Midichlorians that Annie.” My sister lost the ability to speak and had to have her children put to sleep. Her husband left her and went on to become a transgender prostitute. All of this, because she let them watch episodes one, two, and three. This is a true story.

So three fingers deep into an Irish Whiskey rant, I’m left with the conundrum. Do I introduce my children to Star Wars and risk them discovering the Prequels on their own? Or do I hide all traces that the Star Wars universe exist like a fundamentalist Christian parent hell bent on deleting Harry Potter from history for his practice of witchcraft? I started to lean toward the latter when I remembered the GoBots. (Bear with me here as I’m now a fourth finger into my whiskey and it is only two o’clock.) As a kid I grew up loving the Transformers. The robots in disguise concept fed my imagination beyond what my abusive father and intellectually stunted mother thought possible. When the GoBots showed up with cheap molded plastic and horrible cartoon, I could smell the knock off like Axe body spray on a pubescent teen. I was six.

If I could sell the original trilogy as the Transformers and the prequels as the GoBots, the battle royal in my living room would be a definite possibility and I wouldn’t have to become a transgender prostitute after all. I set my plan in motion and forced my six and four year old to watch all 6 hours of the only REAL Star Wars movies in one sitting. Despite a few complaints of ‘I’m Hungry’ and ‘Can we please go outside now?’ I’m happy to say that my kids made it through.

The results: mostly indifference. And I think one of them peed on the couch. I’ll count that as a victory. Now where is my bottle of Irish Whiskey? Damn, kids always hide it because I get “Daddy Scary Face” on if I have too much.

Stay tuned for my next article Raising a Teen in a Post Matrix Reloaded/Revolutions World where I discuss hiding the aborted afterbirth of the sequels to the Wachowskis masterpiece.