Beaverton, OR – A low level IT help desk supervisor seized control of the local governments on Thursday with a 10,000 strong mercenary army in a power grab that proved successful beyond his initial plans. [Real name withheld due to pending litigation] asked that he now only be referred to as His Eminence since his appointment as Supreme High Lord of Beaverton and Surrounding Territories.
He began his political career as an IT help desk operator, was promoted to supervisor, and then quickly rose to power over the greater Beaverton area when a full standing mercenary army under contract with [Corporation name withheld do to pending litigation] fell under his control. His sudden ascension was partly due to an automatic e-mail personnel approval process while working for [company name withheld do to court order]. His Eminence was filling out a simple personnel request when, he claims, “As a joke, I filled out the form on the enterprise intranet website for ‘10,000 battle tested mercenaries.’ I figured Frank the GM here in Beaverton would have caught the joke and denied the request.” Frank denied any involvement in the military actions performed by His Eminance, and replied no comment when pressed further.
In an interview with His Eminence he stated, “Seriously, I was in shock when the notification came back approved. But I totally lost my shit when 10,000 soldiers showed up at the office.”
The shock soon faded and the seductive euphoria of absolute, though geographically limited, power drove His Eminence to assume command and immediately declared marshal law on the two story suburban office park in southern Beaverton. The local PD were called in but quickly surrendered when Field Sergent Thomas A. O’brienstein realized that they were seriously outgunned and outnumbered. O’brienstein later stated “The initial call was for a hostage situation. So, we headed out guns ready but, when we arrived and found a full standing army encampment., there was not much we could do…” O’brienstein and his men later joined His Eminence and his mercenary army when he offered better pay and promised not put up with ‘bullshit from Mayor Doyel.’
With local law enforcement subdued His Eminence expanded his reach to include the the tri-city area of Hillsboro, Tigard and the rest of Beaverton. The National Guard was soon called in by state authorities but due to lack of funding and fighting 2 wars in Afghanistan and Iraq they sued for peace instead of risking further military resources.
His Eminence later admitted, “I used a combination of tactical skills that I acquired from playing World of Warcraft and negotiation modeled after Captain Picard of Star Trek TNG. I pretty much got what I wanted once I told them that I planned to have a small elitist power base that would crush the underprivileged and poor. I really just modeled my regime after the current US government. Now, I have almost absolute power over the entire tri-city area.” He later promised to rule with a “Firm but just hand.”
Only history will tell if a dictatorship can survive in the middle of the United States pseudo-democratic oligarchy.