TSA to Remove ‘Nude’ Body Scanners, Replace with Poles

Washington DC-After the Transportation Security Administration discontinued the use of the controversial ‘nude’ body scanners, many wondered what new type of intrusive and questionable practice would take its place. TSA Executive -Type-Person, John Pistole, announced a new program on Tuesday that he claims will be less intrusive and more effective for passengers. He stated, “The evil, ugly, and rude terrorists that are out there won’t stop until we are all dead. Thus, we need to continue to expand our intrusions on civil liberties so that they don’t win.” He then added “Hell, there may be some terrorists under your bed. We just don’t know. So, I am pleased to announce a new program called the System to Register and Improve Passenger Performance, Efficiency, and Respect or STRIPPER. It consists of a metal pole mounted on the floor and ceiling of the Security screening area at passenger check in. It is filled with all the latest electronics and sensors that, frankly, makes Robocop look like a wind-up toy.”

TSA employee ‘CanDee’ Demonstrates new passenger screening procedures.

The TSA has been under heavy criticism from bloggers and other online media for having nonsensical and invasive policies. With the announcement today the TSA has promised to balance rights stripping security and sexual gratification with freedom for travelers. Pistole continued, “With the latest intelligence we have received, the average terrorist is now most likely female, between the ages of 18 and 29, and under 120 lbs. Under the STRIPPER program, only passengers that fit this profile will be required to sensually swing around the scanner poles.” When asked to explain the logic behind the new policy the TSA director cleared his throat and blinked.

The TSA plans the rollout of this program to begin at airports in Los Angeles and South Beach, Florida sometime near spring break. “This time frame will allow us to root out hot, young, and nubile terrorists,” Pistole spoke licking his lips. The STRIPPER scanners will be installed at great expense by an unnamed and well-connected government contractor. For further information on the new program go to: HTTP://TSA.CO.GOV/HOTNEWS/STRIPPER.

Space Shuttle Endesvour Dunrkenly Lands at LAX After Nation Wide Pub Crawl

Los Angeles International Airport – The space shuttle Endeavour nearly crash landed at LAX on Friday after a nation wide pub crawl.  The week long bender started in Florida at a Blue Moon tavern near Kennedy Space Center. Making various stops at seedy bars and dance clubs, Endeavour tried to use his falling fame to “pick up chicks and party with supermodels.”

“I’ve been to space bitches. Bring on the hooch.” Endeavour would shout as it toured various monuments throughout the southwest United States. As a few spectators came to the White Sands Test Facility in New Mexic to see the shuttle in the air for the last time Endeavour shouted, “Hey baby wanna see my retractable arm. It’s 300 feet long. Let me just open my bay doors.” Many spectators noted that they had not seen a civil servant retire with such insatiable hedonism since bill Clinton. 

Endeavour reminisced in between body shots and gave into tears when he stated, “The first time you go into space, man, you look at the earth and you are just awestruck at the like beauty of your home planet, man.” When asked why the shuttle was now retiring, Endeavour stated, “The twenty-fifth time you go to space, you’re bored with just doing loops around the planet. I’m like, f___ this shit. I’m going to the moon! I’m the motherf___in space shuttle. I go where I want. Let’s have another boilermaker.”

Endeavour dancing and on drugs at an El Paso night Club.

In another incident, Endeavour cleared out an El Paso dance club by shouting on the dance floor, “I’m going out with a bang. Just like the Challenger.” Some patrons were seen crying in rage and disgust as they left the club.

Although Endeavours speeches have proven to be less and less coherent on the four day tour, the shuttle did sober up enough to leave Edwards Air force Base on time. But, en route to Los Angeles International the shuttle discovered the in-flight mini bar on board the modified 747 and quickly sank into an alcoholic stupor

Originally scheduled to arrive in Los Angeles on Thursday Endeavour demanded a detour to Tijuana and evidently smoked 4.2 metric tons of marijuana. “I used my afterburner to light that shit. I f___in’ got the whole town high. I’m the motherf___in space shuttle. “

Endeavour was then detained by customs for a few hours for trying to cross the border with 8.6 million pounds of uncut heroine stored in the secondary bay. NASA Officials used long standing political connections to pay a fine and avoid jail time for the shuttle. 

Endeavour is now staying at a United Airlines hangar to be repaired and prepped for transport to its final home at the California Science in Downtown Los Angeles. Experts speculate Endeavour may also be receiving treatment for alcohol dependence and an STD.

Wife Finds Man’s Porn ‘Stash

Tehachapi, CA-Local resident Lehman Santosandgina was surprised by his wife last Tuesday afternoon with new accusations of having a secret life. As Carroll Santosandgina was cleaning the couple’s modest bedroom, she began dusting the side table next to the bed. “Suddenly this hairy object fell from underneath the side table drawer.” Mrs. Santosandgina said, “At first I thought it was a spider, you know, one of those big scary ones.” To her relief it did not move and she realized that it was not in fact an over-follicled arachnid. “I picked it up and in the light I realized there was sticky material on the back” she stated to her sister-in-law Vassel McDoubter who happened to visiting that day, delivering Mary Kay products. She showed it to McDoubter and, after careful examination, properly identified it as a fake mustache.

“It was a thick one” McDoubter later stated, “like what was popular in the ’70’s and 80’s…or something that a cop would have.” The fake mustache sat untouched on the kitchen table as Mrs. Santosandgina began to wonder why her husband would have something like this. “At first I thought it was a definite sign he was cheating on me. But I thought that it didn’t make any sense.”. Later she admitted that he thought that her husband may have a fantasy about reliving his college years, wanted to be a fireman, a cop or some other civil service.

It was not until Mr. Santosandgina was almost home that she finally figured it out. “We had rented this really poor production value pornographic video a few weeks back. It was just dreadful. The main character…Ivan Yacinov or something like that… had this really thick mustache that Lehman kept mentioning and admiring. “

When Lehman Santosandgina did finally arrive home he knew something was amiss as he entered the narrow threshold of the living room. ”She had this air about her that she only gets when she’s really mad” Sandtosandgina stated, “I just didn’t want to hear it so I tried to ignore it until I saw my ‘stash sitting on the table”

In the end, the couple is closer now because of the incident. “Lehman confessed to me that he had always wanted to be a police officer but when he entered his teens and early 20’s he was never able to grow the nice thick mustache that the men in blue wear so proudly. I felt bad for him really.”Mrs. Santosangina says. “I threw that worthless costume prop away and decided to grow my own,” Lehman says proudly, “WHAT!? No I have not been drinking chocolate milk. Why do you ask?”

Editors Note: The Santosanginas filed for divorce on April 2nd citing irreconcilable differences. In a post interview, Carroll Santosangina stated “I just can’t be married to a half-man freak who cant grow facial hair.”