World Peace Declared After Mind Blowing Local Stand Up Performance

Pasadena, CA-An unprecedented display of benevolence and humanitarianism has exploded onto the world scene. Leaders from every major power (even some from those countries you can’t pronounce) have convened in Pasadena, California to sign a peace treaty that will end every major conflict on the globe today. The cause of this unprecedented show of brotherhood was traced to a simple gathering of likeminded individuals last Thursday night at The Ice House Comedy Club. What started as a simple comedy showcase hosted by veteran comedian Julie Sandoval, soon electrified the audience with a power house of local talent. The showcase featured comics Luke Turalitsch, Bruce McKinnon, Tania Bering, Michael Sabbatino, John Gerald, Kevin Bayley, and Evan Copage. The performer’s jocularity coated all in attendance with a sticky

Presidential Medal of Freedom nominee and stand up comedian Bruce McKinnon.

Presidential Medal of Freedom nominee and stand up comedian Bruce McKinnon.

emotional layer of good cheer and love. As they left the show that night, the feelings spread from the attendees to nearby neighborhoods like a free flowing plague of happiness. Neighbors were no longer strangers; enemies became friends, and prison door opened as an outpouring of goodwill overtook resident’s common sense. Over the weekend, this force had spread across the US and began appearing internationally.

The Secretary-General of the United Nations, Ban Ki-moon, then called for an emergency United Nations conference to address the global issues involved when citizens in the global community are no longer “dicks.” He said, “Soldiers have laid down their guns, terrorists have laid down their explosive vests, and Bono from U2 has finally stopped talking about starving people in Africa from his mansion in Ireland. It is time we, as world leaders, respond to the calls of our constituents…or eliminate them so we can keep making money from war. Either way, I don’t really care.”

The comedians who performed last Thursday have all been nominated for a Presidential Medal of Freedom and the Nobel Peace prize. Some will also be performing at The Weekly Ice House Sunday Comedy Variety Show in September.

Disney Enlists Jerry Bruckheimer to Direct Star Wars Sequel

Hollywood, CA – In a rush to cash in on the short lived franchise Star Wars, Disney is enlisting the help of critically acclaimed filmic maestro Jerry Bruckheimer. Known for his emotionally subtle and poignant directing, Bruckheimer will rebooting the Star Wars movies and bring a fresh perspective. Disney CEO Bob Iger stated, “We are pleased to bring Mr. Bruckheimer’s unique artistic sensibilities to the faltering Star Wars series.”

At the press conference, Bruckheimer was asked if he had any ideas for the new movie. He said, “I never watched the other movies, so, I know I can bring a fresh view to the series.” When asked to elaborate on potential plot lines, he said, “What if

Jerry Bruckheimer rambling something about Bruce Willis, Ben Affleck, and Johnny Depp.

Vader isn’t Luke’s father? What if the Star Wars universe only exists in the imagination of a retarded Shia LaBeouf? What if the force is really just a mystical power that surrounds us and not a disease in the bloodstream of a few? I have a few other ideas. We have not fully explored them yet, but I’ll bang a script out in the next few minutes.”

Iger then recommended that fans get in line now for a move that will be in every theater, play for a long time at said theaters, be available on DVD (but not Blu-Ray or iTunes), and cable TV after that. He then said, “We will focus on making movies that will please the fans by digging deeper into the wonderful and colorful characters in Star Wars. We will also balance that with enough explosions to appease the knuckle dragging mass of idiots that just like to watch shiny things…” Bruckheimer interrupted Iger by saying, “What if the huge spaceships of the Empire transform into Ninja Turtles and fight with the Jedi? Ooooooor, what if, what if, Luke and Solo and that harry creature guy that can’t talk, what if, they go on a road trip across Australia? Do you see the potential for a great movie? Oh, wait, what if an asteroid is headed for Tatooine and Luke has to assemble a rag tag group of clichéd Jedi characters to use their mind force powers to push the asteroid over to the Empire side of the galaxy? Oh my god, are we making more than one movie? How many x’s are in the word explosion? I think we need to add a few more.” Bruckheimer then rambled on about other potential plots with more holes than could be counted. He then sat down on the sage and, rocking back and forth, said “Shia LaBeouf, Shia LaBeouf, Shia LaBeouf.” He changed the phonetic emphasis of the name each time he spoke. This continued until all in attendance were thoroughly creeped out.

Hollywood economists have estimated that the new movie could generate as much as fifteen kajillion dollars in gross revenue and even more with emerging global markets. The estimated release date for the new move will be the summer of 2015.

Clown College Frat Party Surprisingly Tame

Breckenhurst, MO-Expectations for an absurdly amusing time were dashed as party goers arrived at the Bonjour La Femme Fraternity in Breckenhurst Clown College. Many of the invitees were expecting quite a wild and whimsical night of heavy drinking, along with comedic physical innuendo. Mary Eldergist, a first time attendee, said, “I was expecting a bit more tomfoolery. This shindig turned out to be more like a state dinner with the governor.” Another anonymous partygoer stated, “They had drinks but no one really got drunk. I was expecting some wild times. Where are the trampolines? Where are the tiny clown cars? Give me something!”

The Bonjour La Femme Fraternity President, Steven “the fart sensation” McTraverson

Clown prepares for final trials before his ascension.

stated “We spend all week studying hard for pie throwing exams and balloon animal certifications. The last thing we want to do to relax is entertain our guests with more brutal shenanigans. It would be too exhausting.” The president also noted that the History of Circus and the Media finals are next week and a few of the students will need to pull an all-night clown session to pass.

Fraternity Brother James “rubber chicken chucker” el Naranja complained, “I’ve got a full course load this year. I have 2 units on Banana Slipping 101 and another 4 units in Oversized Shoes 104. I can’t get drunk and wild tonight. My CPA (Clown Point Average) would slip to unfunny levels.”

A visiting guest did have one to many green apple martinis and stumbled around the room pretending to be a mime. He then placed a lampshade on his head and passed out on the couch. El Naranja stated, “Yeah, I saw that guy. A lampshade? That is so cliché and unfunny. I bet that guy still thinks Charlie Chaplin is a genius. I mean, has he even studied Keaton, or Arbuckle? Marceau was doing that stuff in the 40’s, come on!”

The Dean of Physical Clowning released a statement that the police and the fire department were called to the scene but, the call was due to car parked in front of a fire hydrant.