The Internet, The Internet–In an effort to numb herself to the harsh realities of suburban meaninglessness, a local woman admits to spending hours daily on image link sharing site Pinterest. Filderjay Salanfork admits to spending most of her day ‘pinning’ clothes she will never fit in and foods that keep her from fitting in said clothes. Pinterest, oft described as ‘internet for girls,’ is a social networking site where women can ‘pin’ crap that they can’t afford and foods no one should ever eat and share these findings with other, probably overweight, users. “Oh that’s a good uuugh.” Salanfork says as she clicks her mouse to add a seven layer cake-pie of various fruits, chocolates and cream frosting. Pinterest is designed to be use solely with a mouse as most users find computer keyboard keys to be too small for their well endowed fingers. Salanfork does recognized she may have a problem and says, “Sometimes I want to stop but it is just so addic…oh skinny galactic wash jeans with an elastic waistband. Sooooo, cute!”
|Emaciated models reinforce negati..oh you don’t really care!
Self proclaimed Pinterest behavioral expert and part time homeless man Steve Banilitfoto stated, “By using photographic and redundant visual cues, the site can build addictive behaviors in women much like pornographic web sites do in men. The genius is in the sites multi-column design that caters to the non linear and emotional thinking of a female brain. So uh, do you have any spare change?” While MentalDuctTape spares change for no one, Banilitfoto did have a point, and further time was spent researching phonographic internet portals. No conclusive information was gleaned from this research.
While mindless hours can be wasted away scrolling through any website on the internet. Pinterest specializes in providing page after page of pictures of cake, anorexic wedding dresses, and sunsets with poorly pasted pseudo-inspiring Helga font text. This has proven a problem for stay at home mom, Salanfork. Six year old Kateluuh Salanfork said, “Mommy, mommy, mommy, MOM!” Kateluuh received only monosyllabic ooh’s or huh’s to comfort her cries.
Pinterest is a privately-held, venture-backed social media internet site with no financial, emotional, legal or homosexual ties with MentalDuctTape.
Tehachapi, CA-Local resident Lehman Santosandgina was surprised by his wife last Tuesday afternoon with new accusations of having a secret life. As Carroll Santosandgina was cleaning the couple’s modest bedroom, she began dusting the side table next to the bed. “Suddenly this hairy object fell from underneath the side table drawer.” Mrs. Santosandgina said, “At first I thought it was a spider, you know, one of those big scary ones.” To her relief it did not move and she realized that it was not in fact an over-follicled arachnid. “I picked it up and in the light I realized there was sticky material on the back” she stated to her sister-in-law Vassel McDoubter who happened to visiting that day, delivering Mary Kay products. She showed it to McDoubter and, after careful examination, properly identified it as a fake mustache.
“It was a thick one” McDoubter later stated, “like what was popular in the ’70’s and 80’s…or something that a cop would have.” The fake mustache sat untouched on the kitchen table as Mrs. Santosandgina began to wonder why her husband would have something like this. “At first I thought it was a definite sign he was cheating on me. But I thought that it didn’t make any sense.”. Later she admitted that he thought that her husband may have a fantasy about reliving his college years, wanted to be a fireman, a cop or some other civil service.
It was not until Mr. Santosandgina was almost home that she finally figured it out. “We had rented this really poor production value pornographic video a few weeks back. It was just dreadful. The main character…Ivan Yacinov or something like that… had this really thick mustache that Lehman kept mentioning and admiring. “
When Lehman Santosandgina did finally arrive home he knew something was amiss as he entered the narrow threshold of the living room. ”She had this air about her that she only gets when she’s really mad” Sandtosandgina stated, “I just didn’t want to hear it so I tried to ignore it until I saw my ‘stash sitting on the table”
In the end, the couple is closer now because of the incident. “Lehman confessed to me that he had always wanted to be a police officer but when he entered his teens and early 20’s he was never able to grow the nice thick mustache that the men in blue wear so proudly. I felt bad for him really.”Mrs. Santosangina says. “I threw that worthless costume prop away and decided to grow my own,” Lehman says proudly, “WHAT!? No I have not been drinking chocolate milk. Why do you ask?”
Editors Note: The Santosanginas filed for divorce on April 2nd citing irreconcilable differences. In a post interview, Carroll Santosangina stated “I just can’t be married to a half-man freak who cant grow facial hair.”