Heterosexuals Take to the Streets to Protest Marriage

Washington, D.C.-Angry heterosexuals arrived in force today in a unique turn of events on the marriage debate. Gregor Justbud head of the National Alliance to Kill Egalitarian Domestic Unions or NAKED-U spoke to a large crowed of mostly men in unhappy relationships: “We all face pressures, social, familial, and economic to pursue marriage. We are here today to say not any more.  We heteros deserve the same right to avoid marriage as do our gay brethren.” His statements received a resounding grumble from the tens of individuals in attendance. Justbud continued, “When my girlfriend asks me if I ever want to get married, its unfair that I have to have that uncomfortable conversation where I talk about how I feel. I have to avoid telling her that I am just biding my time until someone better comes along. No one should have to do that, not in my America. My gay friend Gary, he doesn’t have to talk about these things with his significant other Ronnie. Why? Because they get to live in a state where their marriage is illegal. That is discrimination and we will not stand for it.” The crowed responded with a few claps. Some stoners cheered near the back of the audience but they were confused by a mix up with a medicinal marijuana legalization rally nearby.

The movement is not without detractors as Gregor’s long term girlfriend Anitas el Naranja stood in the sidelines looking perturbed. She later stated, “I can’t believe Greg turned his refusal to talk about our relationship and his feeling into a political movement.” She was last seen walking away from the protest and hailing a taxi cab. While NAKED-U has not released any numbers on membership, the official spokesman said that their membership is growing. When pressed for plans the organization had for the future, the spokesman cut off the interview and stated, “We are not committed to anything and now is not the time to talk about the future. I need to go get a beer with my buddy but we can talk later, honey. I promise.”

Advertisements

Clown College Frat Party Surprisingly Tame

Breckenhurst, MO-Expectations for an absurdly amusing time were dashed as party goers arrived at the Bonjour La Femme Fraternity in Breckenhurst Clown College. Many of the invitees were expecting quite a wild and whimsical night of heavy drinking, along with comedic physical innuendo. Mary Eldergist, a first time attendee, said, “I was expecting a bit more tomfoolery. This shindig turned out to be more like a state dinner with the governor.” Another anonymous partygoer stated, “They had drinks but no one really got drunk. I was expecting some wild times. Where are the trampolines? Where are the tiny clown cars? Give me something!”

The Bonjour La Femme Fraternity President, Steven “the fart sensation” McTraverson

Clown prepares for final trials before his ascension.

stated “We spend all week studying hard for pie throwing exams and balloon animal certifications. The last thing we want to do to relax is entertain our guests with more brutal shenanigans. It would be too exhausting.” The president also noted that the History of Circus and the Media finals are next week and a few of the students will need to pull an all-night clown session to pass.

Fraternity Brother James “rubber chicken chucker” el Naranja complained, “I’ve got a full course load this year. I have 2 units on Banana Slipping 101 and another 4 units in Oversized Shoes 104. I can’t get drunk and wild tonight. My CPA (Clown Point Average) would slip to unfunny levels.”

A visiting guest did have one to many green apple martinis and stumbled around the room pretending to be a mime. He then placed a lampshade on his head and passed out on the couch. El Naranja stated, “Yeah, I saw that guy. A lampshade? That is so cliché and unfunny. I bet that guy still thinks Charlie Chaplin is a genius. I mean, has he even studied Keaton, or Arbuckle? Marceau was doing that stuff in the 40’s, come on!”

The Dean of Physical Clowning released a statement that the police and the fire department were called to the scene but, the call was due to car parked in front of a fire hydrant.

5 Inexpensive Dating Ideas From Consuelo the Orange

(Translated with the help of the Merriam-Webster Spanish to English Dictionary,1999 Edition.) Halo! You may say, “Mama Consuelo, I am poor college man. I make the Willie Nelson. I no make the big Jay-Z in dinero. How can I make/give pretty mamacita the good time for the dates without going Enron?” To you I have the news of the good. I tell you where to take ladies for fun with no spending the large Donald Trump. This hour I will bring to you the 5 no cost the dates for the ladies.

Sugerencia Uno-The Abandoned Field

The nature has all needed to treat a senorita to romance. Have a short drive from the city and bring blanket and pocket knife. Here the compliments is whispered to her ear of her prettiness as you lay out the blanket in grassy abandoned field. Then, give her knife and tell her you left something en la coche and you BRB. Get to car and leave her in the beauty of nature. Alone she will fight things like elements and use knife to kill you a rabbit or field mouse.  She will bring this to you and have cook good meal for you.

Cost: $0 + Gas

Beneficio: She cook you good meal and love you creative. Also, she prove she strong woman, able to take care for you.

Sugerencia Dos-Thrift Shop Hop

Your mamacita likes nice things. You take her to the store but you no money. But thrift shop has many nice things at low quality/price. You will take her to thrift shop and spend long time. Look at old VCR or tape player and spend hour or dos, pushing buttons or plugging plugs. Then leave and do not purchase. The romance will flow from her bosom.
Cost: $0 + bus fare.
Beneficio: She will see you man of taste and class. Sturdy strong man, Al Pacino.

Sugerencia Tres-Dine and the Leave

The date of the third can be a trick for man in woo. Ladies may be all swoon, but more is required to keep her interest. Take her to high class Tom Cruise restaurant  (Don’t worry, Mama Consuelo has plan.) She arrive with you in the fancy dress and reservations. Order all wonderful things and bring in the excesses of Beyonce to her. Before the check is bringing you tell her you must go and fade into the night. Her resolve to test love of you will be brought to fore.  She must pay as you not existence and the romance will Schwarzenegger.
Cost: Expensive – You not pay = $0
Beneficio: If she will still see you after this, dios mio, she is rich and the marriage is coming!

Sugerencia Quatro-Leave Her Home

This is simple way for el dating costs low. Go out and not bring the date of your affection. You have the enjoyment and then visit the girl caller after.  You will tell her of the fun you have and she love the stories you tell.  She find you interesting and throw her passions at you in heavy sway.
Cost: Whatever you spend on yourself mijo.
Beneficio: She think you interesting and selfish. She will turn to worship you.

Sugerencia Cinco-Just Love the Mama

This is the best, Consuelo can give you in the advice. Love tu madre and do not be the dating other girls. Mama will feed you and feed you. She cannot give you the Jay-Z cash. But spending dinero you can ask for. Mama exists in your house and the caring for all you need. You need the laundry or the food. Mama. You need the love. Mama. You never need to move out. Mama. Just the love. Mama.
Cost: -$50, ask Mama for it.
Beneficio: Tu Madre is the love.

Unaware of the Common Metaphor, Beef Bus Driver Parks in Front of TunaTown

Huntington Beach, CA – Beef Bus Cold Meat Transportation delivery driver Juanardo el Naranja was both embarrassed and confused by the rapacious laughter that occurred when he parked his vehicle in a small shopping center, Thursday. El Naranja was on his normal cured meat, cheese and out-of-date fashion magazine route when, due to road construction, he had to detour and park his van across the street from his normal delivery drop. Unwittingly, el Naranja became a living double entendre as he placed his truck in park right in front of the Tuna Town sea food reaturant and laundry-mat. “I have park here to deliver mi carne” he said, “when I see young boy like…ten y three. He laugh at me. I no! Why he laugh?”

And yet, laugh he did. Along with semi-nude model and housewife Elixabuff Salanfork who found parking the Beef Bus truck right in font of Tuna Town quite hilarious. “I can’t believe that he would park there,” she said still recovering from an elongated guffaw. The hysteria of the event soon took a new level as el Naranja quickly moved his quality cured meat and magazine delivery truck over one block to park in front of the local watering hole the Happy Clam.  To his dismay, the middle-school delight followed him as two youths riding skateboards pointed and laughed at the visual limerick that met them.

“I have never had such disrespect” amid the laughter of even the most respectable businness professional pedestrian walking passed, he continued “I am leaving for lunch. I will estride over to the Tamale Wagon to get my satisfaction.”  A nun walking past giggled at the exclamation.

Overcome with embarrassment that soon built to into rage el Naranja yelled to the gathering crowd, “I am respectable businessman. I drove the Beef Buss into Beaverton…Oregon for many years.”  Amid the increasing all out-laughter of everone near el Naranja, an eighth grade intramural basketball player shouted from the crowd. “Haha, then where did you work?”  Still making a stand for his respectable career, Mr. el Naranja stated “I satisfied many as a Hot Sausage delivery driver. Before that, I was a pressure washer in Quiverbone, Kentucky.”  Soon the laughter of the mass of public walking near the scene was too much for Mr. Juanardo el Naranja an he left the scene.

In a follow up interview, el Naranja stated “I am just humble man. I no wish ill and sickness or Tom Cruise  on any peronas. I start working as delivery as young boy ten years ago for Red Hot Intercourse meat company in SexSexSex, Texas…you know where that small town is? No? It is south, southwest of Fornication, Oklahoma. Why do you giggle at me? I am a Considerable Member of my Church.  Why do all laugh at me?”

el Naranja swiftly ended the interview and has refused comment since.