The Internet, The Internet–In an effort to numb herself to the harsh realities of suburban meaninglessness, a local woman admits to spending hours daily on image link sharing site Pinterest. Filderjay Salanfork admits to spending most of her day ‘pinning’ clothes she will never fit in and foods that keep her from fitting in said clothes. Pinterest, oft described as ‘internet for girls,’ is a social networking site where women can ‘pin’ crap that they can’t afford and foods no one should ever eat and share these findings with other, probably overweight, users. “Oh that’s a good uuugh.” Salanfork says as she clicks her mouse to add a seven layer cake-pie of various fruits, chocolates and cream frosting. Pinterest is designed to be use solely with a mouse as most users find computer keyboard keys to be too small for their well endowed fingers. Salanfork does recognized she may have a problem and says, “Sometimes I want to stop but it is just so addic…oh skinny galactic wash jeans with an elastic waistband. Sooooo, cute!”
|Emaciated models reinforce negati..oh you don’t really care!
Self proclaimed Pinterest behavioral expert and part time homeless man Steve Banilitfoto stated, “By using photographic and redundant visual cues, the site can build addictive behaviors in women much like pornographic web sites do in men. The genius is in the sites multi-column design that caters to the non linear and emotional thinking of a female brain. So uh, do you have any spare change?” While MentalDuctTape spares change for no one, Banilitfoto did have a point, and further time was spent researching phonographic internet portals. No conclusive information was gleaned from this research.
While mindless hours can be wasted away scrolling through any website on the internet. Pinterest specializes in providing page after page of pictures of cake, anorexic wedding dresses, and sunsets with poorly pasted pseudo-inspiring Helga font text. This has proven a problem for stay at home mom, Salanfork. Six year old Kateluuh Salanfork said, “Mommy, mommy, mommy, MOM!” Kateluuh received only monosyllabic ooh’s or huh’s to comfort her cries.
Pinterest is a privately-held, venture-backed social media internet site with no financial, emotional, legal or homosexual ties with MentalDuctTape.
Daytona, FL – Local fat man, Bernard Fowlerington, began his day the same way that he had for the last 2 weeks. After a light breakfast, and a quick weigh in, he began planning his lunch for the day. As he opened his refrigerator door, a great darkness overcame him even as he surveyed his options. “1/2 sandwich and salad or soup and vegetable medley I thought to myself” said Fowlerington, ” when it hit me. This is spotty rabbit food.” He began to remember what had motivated to get out of bed every morning. “McDonalds! I said out loud to myself. Every morning I dreaded getting out of bed and the daily grind. I would just lay there until I would think of those beautiful golden french fries. I would think about what I would get…would it be a McChicken sandwich and 2 large fries or would I go classy and hork down 2 Big Macs.” Fowlerington would plan his day around his regular trip to the nations largest fast food retailer.
Things changed when he visited his doctor for chest pains about 10 weeks ago. “Dr. Pencilpointy gave me a stern lecture about my weight and said my cholesterol was extremely high. He put me on a diet and exercise routine that was hard for me for the first few days but, then it got easier.” Fowlerington was diagnosed with metabolic disorder and his doctor told him that, if he did not change his ways, he would surely die at a young age.
It was 2 weeks in to the diet that he had the revelation that his only true reason for existence was consumption of McDonalds low priced/low quality food. Like a forbidden romance, Fowlerington realized that without the joy of his daily intake of highly processed, high calorie foods, his life had little meaning. It was then that he decided that the diet, the exercise, the pain and suffering was all for nothing if he could not have is Fillet-o-fish, McGrill chicken with extra mayo, or his frosty cold milk shake at least once a day. “I realized that everything I did, getting up, showering, driving to work, working just hard enough to not get fired…all of it, was so I could earn enough money for my one true love…fast food. It was then that I said to my self, ‘you got to get busy living the short life you want, not a long, healthy long life someone else wants for you.'” said Bernard with half a smile “life is all about making the right decisions, not doing what your told.”
Bernard Fowlerington, of course, did not die from his poor diet and lack of exercise. In fact things turned around for him. He suffered a series of mild strokes that left half of his body paralyzed. “It was as if fate stepped in and gave me this gift…” He said struggling to properly form the words “…since the stroke, I was able to go on state disability so now I never have to leave the house except to go to my nearest drive-through and order whatever I want. I truly am living the Dreannnnn…mmmm.”