Springfield,MA-Mrs. Fingerburger’s kindergarten class held a news conference yesterday afternoon to announce their critical health and dietary finding. It has been called nothing short of revolutionary for the fields of medicine, nutrition, and child development. Tommy Santosandgina, kindergarten class representative, announced proudly the findings that “candy and ice queem(sic.) are necessary parts of a healthy balanced diet.” These results rock the traditional nutritionist views that high caloric and high fat foods may cause health problems including diabetus and obesity. “After our academic year long study we have found that having candy, or ice cream at weast free(sic.) to five time a day, boosts energy and a-cadamic(Sic.) performance for at least five minutes after eating.”
|Children receive energy from health food like ice cream.
The new study also indicated that students who ate a breakfast including marshmallows or frosted cereal (or any cereal with a cartoon mascot) performed better academically. Also, the same students threw bouncy red balls much faster than kids who had to eat regular cereal. Tommy also noted that broccoli was found to be “very poisonous and should be avoided or fed to the dog under the table, if available.”
Researchers disagree as to how this may effect nutrition habits in the near future because many parents traditionally think of these foods as ‘junk food’ or unhealthy. Nutritionist Nigel J. Happenstance said “this study completely redesigns the food pyramid model with the four new food elements to a healthy diet being: Candy, Ice Cream, Video Games and a Barbie Dream House. Traditional science doesn’t even acknowledge the latter two as food. Clearly, we have much to learn.”
The Surgeon General for the United States and the Unnamed Domain of His Eminence called for a complete retooling of school lunch programs. More information will be made available soon on the official Surgeon Generals website: http://www.surgeongeneral.gov/.
Beaverton, OR – A low level IT help desk supervisor seized control of the local governments on Thursday with a 10,000 strong mercenary army in a power grab that proved successful beyond his initial plans. [Real name withheld due to pending litigation] asked that he now only be referred to as His Eminence since his appointment as Supreme High Lord of Beaverton and Surrounding Territories.
He began his political career as an IT help desk operator, was promoted to supervisor, and then quickly rose to power over the greater Beaverton area when a full standing mercenary army under contract with [Corporation name withheld do to pending litigation] fell under his control. His sudden ascension was partly due to an automatic e-mail personnel approval process while working for [company name withheld do to court order]. His Eminence was filling out a simple personnel request when, he claims, “As a joke, I filled out the form on the enterprise intranet website for ‘10,000 battle tested mercenaries.’ I figured Frank the GM here in Beaverton would have caught the joke and denied the request.” Frank denied any involvement in the military actions performed by His Eminance, and replied no comment when pressed further.
In an interview with His Eminence he stated, “Seriously, I was in shock when the notification came back approved. But I totally lost my shit when 10,000 soldiers showed up at the office.”
The shock soon faded and the seductive euphoria of absolute, though geographically limited, power drove His Eminence to assume command and immediately declared marshal law on the two story suburban office park in southern Beaverton. The local PD were called in but quickly surrendered when Field Sergent Thomas A. O’brienstein realized that they were seriously outgunned and outnumbered. O’brienstein later stated “The initial call was for a hostage situation. So, we headed out guns ready but, when we arrived and found a full standing army encampment., there was not much we could do…” O’brienstein and his men later joined His Eminence and his mercenary army when he offered better pay and promised not put up with ‘bullshit from Mayor Doyel.’
With local law enforcement subdued His Eminence expanded his reach to include the the tri-city area of Hillsboro, Tigard and the rest of Beaverton. The National Guard was soon called in by state authorities but due to lack of funding and fighting 2 wars in Afghanistan and Iraq they sued for peace instead of risking further military resources.
His Eminence later admitted, “I used a combination of tactical skills that I acquired from playing World of Warcraft and negotiation modeled after Captain Picard of Star Trek TNG. I pretty much got what I wanted once I told them that I planned to have a small elitist power base that would crush the underprivileged and poor. I really just modeled my regime after the current US government. Now, I have almost absolute power over the entire tri-city area.” He later promised to rule with a “Firm but just hand.”
Only history will tell if a dictatorship can survive in the middle of the United States pseudo-democratic oligarchy.