Facebook User Unaware Friends Only ‘Liking’ Posts Ironically

Liberal, KS – Wednesday morning, twenty-eight-year-old Angelace Marristein posted another nonsensical comment on her Facebook page. The comment said “OMG…I JUST SAWd [Deleted due to local obscenity laws]” and it caused several users to ‘unfriend’ her. Immediately afterward, she posted a photograph of herself in the bathroom of the local Fuddrucker’s imitating a constipated mallard. Each of these posts received close to 50 ‘likes’ and several encouraging comments. Unknown to Angelace, all but two of the ‘likes’ were added ironically by former acquiescence, coworkers, and classmates.

Constipated mallard seeks creative outlet through social media.

“Oh, I love her posts,” said Elizabeth Fingerburger, “I kinda feel bad encouraging her. It’s like I’m picking on a mentally challenged kid, but I can help myself.” Fingerburger was a former classmate with her at Liberal Unified High School. She continued, “I do get tired of the pictures of falling rain or sunsets with nonsensical comic sans script promoting some vague idea of ‘girl power’ or ‘getting over a breakup.’ But usually, what she posts is unintentional comedic gold.”

Recently ‘unfriended’ corn oil futures investor, Colin MacGrisel, spoke candidly about her activity. “At first I was commenting on everything she posted. I encouraged her to post more of her ‘wisdom’ and shenanigans. But I got bored with it. Plus, they blocked the Facebook at work. I didn’t have time to comment. Then, she posted something offensive about immigrant chicken farmers poor driving skills and I had to block her. I didn’t want to be affiliated with a bigot.”

While the popularity of her comments has waned in the last year, Angelace has continued her attack on common sense, the English language, and the caps lock key. Some users attribute the downward slope of popularity to the novelty of broadcast ignorance losing its charm. Other say that the unfortunate death her former elementary English school teacher Steven J. Elderjist caused some to turn away. Rumors persist that one of Angelace’s posts was so grammatically incorrect, it may have caused him to hang himself. He was found suspended above his desk with the words “everything i have ever done is a lie” written on the chalkboard. The computer on his desk had an open window displaying Angelace Marristein’s timeline. His death is still under investigation. Angelace’s only comment on his death was, “LOL WHUT?” with a link to a newspaper article about the incident.

For more information on Angelace Marristein, suicide, corn oil futures or immigrant chicken farmers, do a Google search.

Report: American Children Have Highest Unemployment Rate Since Great Depression

Washington, DC – The US Department of Labor released sobering statistics highlighting the sorry state of the economy Tuesday morning. According to the latest reports, American children face the highest unemployment rate since the Great Depression of the 1930’s. Many are quick to point fingers to government polices that make it difficult to employ minors for productive periods of time. Many experts say that it is just additional signs that the economy is falling further into a recession. With the announcement of this news, representative Gary Fingerlitingburg of Alabama has introduced a new bill to congress. “Today I would like to announce the ‘No Child Gets a Free Ride’ Act.

After the announcement, President Obama addressed a group of 1st Graders at Salsbury Elementary in Akron, Ohio. “In todays global economy, we cannot rest on our laurels. In China you can get children to manufacture products for under 1 dollar a day. The government will not sit idle in this time of crisis, but neither should you. That is why I am requesting an additional $500,000,000 from Congress to help Americas businesses employ children. At a dollar a day, that will help 5 million children work for 100 days. Or 5 children for 100 million days, I mean, I’m no economist but you get the idea.”

Little Timmy “Half Face” Maloneinsiein expresedd his concers. “Hey, I work two paper routes just so I can pay for my dialysis. I’m no slouch, but I don’t want the government interfering with how I spend my time.” Jimmy Erikjorsen, a 5th grader who also works a paper route, (and another job he was unable to talk about) stated, “My father is a stinkin’ wino, so I have to work 2 jobs just to make enough money so my mom can score enough dope. Then she doesn’t get angry and beat me. But I’m not looking for handouts.”

Some children have been able to get by relying on the allowances from their parents. This helps many youths but the US still has a higher child unemployment rate than most developing countries. Some children have looked for manual labor. Some children are resorting to mowing lawns for neighbors but many are being edged out by adult illegal immigrants. In fact, some reports show indications that illegal immigrant children may actually have a lower unemployment rate than youths who grew up in the US.

Tommy Bewnocker a local 10 year old said, “My dad is such a tight ass. He wont give me an advance on my allowance and I need to save up $20 more dollars so I can get the new Super Jack Man action figure. It would be nice if I could get a job but there is just nothing out there right now.” Tommy had a good paying job mowing lawns for his neighbor Mrs. Feelyap but was undercut by a migrant worker with 7 children working with him. “Of course I wish I could afford to keep Tommy working for me, but things are so expensive now, I just had to make cuts somewhere,” confessed Feelyap. “Plus, frankly, Sancho and his children do a much better job.”

Even immigrants are feeling the squeeze in this economic downturn. Recent immigrant E’ban-bufunkton Ng’Lonc has found work but admits (through a Marzipanese translator), “Only one of my 6 children has been able to find work. Back in my home country, all 6 of my children were able to work in the Nike shoe factory. Land of opportunity this is not, but you do have many [cats] here.”