Facebook User Unaware Friends Only ‘Liking’ Posts Ironically

Liberal, KS – Wednesday morning, twenty-eight-year-old Angelace Marristein posted another nonsensical comment on her Facebook page. The comment said “OMG…I JUST SAWd [Deleted due to local obscenity laws]” and it caused several users to ‘unfriend’ her. Immediately afterward, she posted a photograph of herself in the bathroom of the local Fuddrucker’s imitating a constipated mallard. Each of these posts received close to 50 ‘likes’ and several encouraging comments. Unknown to Angelace, all but two of the ‘likes’ were added ironically by former acquiescence, coworkers, and classmates.

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Constipated mallard seeks creative outlet through social media.

“Oh, I love her posts,” said Elizabeth Fingerburger, “I kinda feel bad encouraging her. It’s like I’m picking on a mentally challenged kid, but I can help myself.” Fingerburger was a former classmate with her at Liberal Unified High School. She continued, “I do get tired of the pictures of falling rain or sunsets with nonsensical comic sans script promoting some vague idea of ‘girl power’ or ‘getting over a breakup.’ But usually, what she posts is unintentional comedic gold.”

Recently ‘unfriended’ corn oil futures investor, Colin MacGrisel, spoke candidly about her activity. “At first I was commenting on everything she posted. I encouraged her to post more of her ‘wisdom’ and shenanigans. But I got bored with it. Plus, they blocked the Facebook at work. I didn’t have time to comment. Then, she posted something offensive about immigrant chicken farmers poor driving skills and I had to block her. I didn’t want to be affiliated with a bigot.”

While the popularity of her comments has waned in the last year, Angelace has continued her attack on common sense, the English language, and the caps lock key. Some users attribute the downward slope of popularity to the novelty of broadcast ignorance losing its charm. Other say that the unfortunate death her former elementary English school teacher Steven J. Elderjist caused some to turn away. Rumors persist that one of Angelace’s posts was so grammatically incorrect, it may have caused him to hang himself. He was found suspended above his desk with the words “everything i have ever done is a lie” written on the chalkboard. The computer on his desk had an open window displaying Angelace Marristein’s timeline. His death is still under investigation. Angelace’s only comment on his death was, “LOL WHUT?” with a link to a newspaper article about the incident.

For more information on Angelace Marristein, suicide, corn oil futures or immigrant chicken farmers, do a Google search.

Local Woman Spends Hours on Pinterest

The Internet, The Internet–In an effort to numb herself to the harsh realities of suburban meaninglessness, a local woman admits to spending hours daily on image link sharing site Pinterest. Filderjay Salanfork admits to spending most of her day ‘pinning’ clothes she will never fit in and foods that keep her from fitting in said clothes. Pinterest, oft described as ‘internet for girls,’ is a social networking site where women can ‘pin’ crap that they can’t afford and foods no one should ever eat and share these findings with other, probably overweight, users. “Oh that’s a good uuugh.” Salanfork says as she clicks her mouse to add a seven layer cake-pie of various fruits, chocolates and cream frosting. Pinterest is designed to be use solely with a mouse as most users find computer keyboard keys to be too small for their well endowed fingers. Salanfork does recognized she may have a problem and says, “Sometimes I want to stop but it is just so addic…oh skinny galactic wash jeans with an elastic waistband. Sooooo, cute!”
Emaciated models reinforce negati..oh you don’t really care!

Self proclaimed Pinterest behavioral expert and part time homeless man Steve Banilitfoto stated, “By using photographic and redundant visual cues, the site can build addictive behaviors in women much like  pornographic web sites do in men. The genius is in the sites multi-column design that caters to the non linear and emotional thinking of a female brain. So uh, do you have any spare change?” While MentalDuctTape spares change for no one, Banilitfoto did have a point, and further time was spent researching phonographic internet portals. No conclusive information was gleaned from this research.

While mindless hours can be wasted away scrolling through any website on the internet. Pinterest specializes in providing page after page of pictures of cake, anorexic wedding dresses, and sunsets with poorly pasted pseudo-inspiring Helga font text. This has proven a problem for stay at home mom, Salanfork. Six year old Kateluuh Salanfork said, “Mommy, mommy, mommy, MOM!” Kateluuh received only monosyllabic ooh’s or huh’s to comfort her cries.
Pinterest is a privately-held, venture-backed social media internet site with no financial, emotional, legal or homosexual ties with MentalDuctTape.

Aging Bar Patron Finally has Internet Thing Figured Out

Stukukie, NY–Amongst the dirty bars tools and sticky countertops of the Hanging Wagon Saloon, a lone aging man sits smoking Marlboro Reds. He has the knowing smile that comes with an epiphany of the, possibly, life changing sort. “I told you Ace,” he calls out the the bartender polishing short tumblers and staring blankly at the wall. “I told you I’d figure it out. This whole damn Internet thing. It is like a phone but not. It does more, but you can’t talk on it.” He takes another sip from his Jim Beam, neat. “You see I used to think it was like the game ‘telephone’ we used to play. You tell someone something and then they say it and then someone else.” he grumbles, coughs and then takes another scorching drag and slowly puffs smoke out his nose in blue curls and let’s it linger.
“I told you, You can’t smoke here Rustin.” the bartender comments unchanging his blank facial stare. Rustin Fingerburger has become known as the first self-proclaimed senior citizen in the tri-state area that can effectively describe the purpose of the Internet. Joe, Joe, and Bob, other Hanging Wagon patrons, are all staring in Rustin’s direction slack jawed with respect. “Well, tell us what it really is, please!” said one of the Joes.
“If you take a telephone and plug it into a computer” Rustin continues ” then add a high voltage fiber optic to it you get computer that talk.”
“Woah,” said Bob “you mean the computers talk?”
“Not like you or I but, yes. And they talk to each other in pictures of your grandkids from your shiftless son.” he again touts two puffs of grey blue smoke from his nose. “Ace, you got a few years under us, can you confirm what ole Fingerburger is saying?” The other Joe says.
“Porn.” Ace mumbles.
“What?”
” “
“He said what!”
“The Internet is for porn” Ace said sighing and continuing the blank stare.”And you gotta put the cigarette out.”
” “
“No, you can use it for that, but is much more.” replied Fingerburger.
“No it’s not. Just porn.” Ace stands still rubbing the glasses not moving or showing any signs of other action. Then Ace says, “How are you even still alive?”
The four aging men grumble to themselves and Pencilpointy finally crushes the cigarette into the sticky bar. With those condemning words, Fingerburger soon gives up, absorbs more of his Jim Beam, and declines and further discussions of the matter.