Pope Adds ‘Spoiler Alert’ Tag to New Version of the Bible

The Pope makes a rare appearance in non traditional garb.

The Pope makes a rare appearance in non traditional garb.

Originally published on December 20, 2012-Vatican City, Vatican – Pope Benedict XVI announced the release of an updated version of the Bible, last Tuesday.

Taking a break from giving excuses for past unconscionable behavior, Benedict announced the new version and discussed many of its features. The Pope stepped away from tradition by appearing in a black turtle neck on a stage with two white easy chairs and a large projected screen. The presentation began with a brief overview of the history of the book. Speaking through an interpreter he stated, “The bible is the best-selling book in history. In fact, last year, there were over 100 million sold. But we have seen stagnation in the features of the Good Book. So today I would like to introduce, the New Bible.” The audience fawned as a picture of a simple black book with no words on the cover appeared on the screen overhead.

The Pope then spoke about its new features, “We have simplified the cover so that it is a solid black single piece of leather; it is truly unibody construction. Our designers have selected the best paper for printing so that the New Bible is now 1.7 mm thinner than any other printed before it. It is also 28 grams lighter which, admittedly, dose not sound like much. But, when you hold it in your hand you will be amazed at the difference.” He then told the audience that it would be release March 14th. Immediately, the most faithful in attendance left the auditorium to go line up in front of churches to be one of the first to own a New Bible.

The Pope then revealed some of the new features inside, “While we left the contents the same, we did do some shuffling. Now, we placed the books in alphabetical order so that they could be found easier. Also for prophetic books, we added “Spoiler Alert” in red text for sections of prophecy that have not occurred yet. This is for the faithful who want to be surprised by the apocalypse.”

After the announcement, one critic panned the New Bible and said, “The Pope and company are just releasing the same dogma. It just has an improved cover and a few features. I mean do we really need a “spoiler alert” tag. I’ve never even opened my old Bible.” Another audience member complained, “The ten dollar price is not bad. But, I don’t want to get locked into a two year tithing contract. Especially with the weak services that my church has been having lately.”

The New Bible will be available on March 14th for Catholics only, on contract. But, it will become available to other faith carriers at an undisclosed later date.

One iPhone Per Indigent?

Cambridge, MA – Nicholas Negroponte announced a new plan today to introduce the less fortunate to the technology they need to connect to the world.“Today I would like to announce the creation of a new non-profit organization:One iPhone Per Indigent (OiPI).The OiPI represents the collaboration of Apple Computer, AT&T, the Corporation for Something Better and some people laid-off from Radio Shack.This program will provide free iPhones and cellular service to America’s homeless population”These people have no food, no home, and tattered clothing.At least they should be able to check e-mail and update their Facebook status from the comfort of their human filth covered back alley.”With a grin, Negroponte revealed the new OiPI iPhone which is a simplified and ruggedized version of the popular iPhone from Apple.

The personal communication device comes with hand crank charger, where 30 minutes of cranking will power the touch screen device for 3-5 minutes.“This device is water and urine proof and can withstand the weight of 700 aluminum cans piled on top of it.”Negroponte stated.He then described the pilot project in Tacoma, Washington where 300 randomly selected homeless persons were given these new iPhones.Local wino Stephen “the taint” Erikjorsen stated, after using the phone for several weeks:”The iPhone works ok but, I really wish it had the ability to cut and paste text…or give me a warm place to sleep and a meal that was not found in the garbage.Do you have any spare change?”

The OiPI program is not without controversy.Business Owner and Philanthropist Mitchum Wangre said, “I went to give this homeless guy a few dollars for breakfast and right as I was handing him the money his phone went off.He stopped me by putting a finger in the air and started talking to one of his homeless friends about some Twitter post from some guy called ”the taint”.I get that enough of that from my daughter”I don’t need that from the lowest rung of society, too. Frack that guy” Also, former Rotary Club member Finkridge Elderjist stated “Giving homeless people cellular phones is just stupid.It makes me mad as hell that someone would do something so stupid.”

Negroponte is quick to point out that the program is not without many successes.He highlighted that, former game show host (and currently homeless) Markun Sphinian was able to Facebook the comment “spydurs” 78 times in a row while smearing his own feces on a newspaper and sticking it on a wall.“This is true multitasking at the lowest level of civilization.” Negroponte stated.“Also, don’t forget about the economic benefit for all.Take Steve Balli…Banlie..Banilitfoto.He was homeless and didn’t have a cent to his name.Then, Steve received a free iPhone from OiPI in March.Within 2 weeks he was running a pornographic website about pictures of woman’s panties he had taken and uploaded with his iPhone.He made his first million 3 weeks later”and is considered one of the most creative, prolific, and vile pornographers in the industry.”Truly greatness can come from any social circle.

Success or failure, Negroponte says OiPI will be expanding the pilot project to nearby slums and ghettos and connecting them to the world.And, despite earlier reservations, will be offering a “buy one give one” program to help raise additional funding.

Editors Note:Steve Banilitfoto died of a self inflicted gunshot wound on May 15th.He survived by his wife Bonnie, his wife Gina, his wife Mercedes and his bitches Popo, Nunum, and Anus.