Apathetic Man Doesn’t Care that He Doesn’t Care

Pittsburgh, PA-Lack of fellow feeling or care for someone who looks different or is from somewhere that doesn’t speak your language is nothing new. Most people are aware of that prejudice. They may even be bothered by their own apathetic attitude. But Pittsburgh resident Manny Skankowitz has hardened his heart to a new level. He simply stopped caring that he doesn’t care. His loving wife Mari Skankowitz noticed the change in his personality during the so called Arab Spring of 2011. She stated, “When I mentioned the events in Tunisia he said ‘Oh wow I should read about that.’ Just like every other self-centered American. But, by the time Bahrain was beginning to revolt he said, ‘I don’t even know where that is. I don’t care. And you know what, I don’t care that I don’t care.’”

Some researchers have dubbed this mental attitude Hyperapathy. Dr. Johan Sebastian Rock, an expert in the field of post dramatic stress and phantom paranoia, stated “Hyperapathy is an new trend we have been seeing only in the most calloused and self centered who live within the narcissistic spectrum.” He then made a few other presumably valid points but the MDT reporter stopped taking notes and thought about how much laundry was waiting to be folded at home.

There was a pretty cool chart that kinda describes how Manny Skankowitz thinks compared to an average person that the good but terribly uninteresting doctor drew up from a study or lab test or something. I pasted it below so you fine readers can look too, if you care to.

Provided by the Research Institute

While Manny may have lost his care of caring, his wife has hope that there may be treatment for his condition. “I don’t know maybe we can have him look at kittens for a while or buy him a dog as a pet.” Dr. Rock stated “I’ve gotta get out of here. I have plans tonight.” No signs of improvement have been seen in Mr. Skankowitz, but then again most of you readers probably don’t care. And you don’t care about that. Neither do we.

Heterosexuals Take to the Streets to Protest Marriage

Washington, D.C.-Angry heterosexuals arrived in force today in a unique turn of events on the marriage debate. Gregor Justbud head of the National Alliance to Kill Egalitarian Domestic Unions or NAKED-U spoke to a large crowed of mostly men in unhappy relationships: “We all face pressures, social, familial, and economic to pursue marriage. We are here today to say not any more.  We heteros deserve the same right to avoid marriage as do our gay brethren.” His statements received a resounding grumble from the tens of individuals in attendance. Justbud continued, “When my girlfriend asks me if I ever want to get married, its unfair that I have to have that uncomfortable conversation where I talk about how I feel. I have to avoid telling her that I am just biding my time until someone better comes along. No one should have to do that, not in my America. My gay friend Gary, he doesn’t have to talk about these things with his significant other Ronnie. Why? Because they get to live in a state where their marriage is illegal. That is discrimination and we will not stand for it.” The crowed responded with a few claps. Some stoners cheered near the back of the audience but they were confused by a mix up with a medicinal marijuana legalization rally nearby.
The movement is not without detractors as Gregor’s long term girlfriend Anitas el Naranja stood in the sidelines looking perturbed. She later stated, “I can’t believe Greg turned his refusal to talk about our relationship and his feeling into a political movement.” She was last seen walking away from the protest and hailing a taxi cab. While NAKED-U has not released any numbers on membership, the official spokesman said that their membership is growing. When pressed for plans the organization had for the future, the spokesman cut off the interview and stated, “We are not committed to anything and now is not the time to talk about the future. I need to go get a beer with my buddy but we can talk later, honey. I promise.”

Obsessive Compulsive Garbage Man Finally Finishes First Route

Yerington, NV-After a harrowing three years as a sanitation worker, Randey Salanfork finally finished his first full route. The route, comprising of 50 homes and apartment complex trash receptacles, is usually completed in a matter of hours but, due to Salanfork’s condition, it took considerably longer. Diagnosed with obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD) in his early twenties he has had little control over his need to obsessively clean and wash his hands and anything he felt may be ‘tainted’. “I am burdened with my ticks…(1,2,3…wooh)…that make life more difficult but, I wouldn’t call it a disability…(1,2,3…wooh).” Salanfork said.
Salanfork was hired as a favor by Rodney Salanfork, District Manager of  Yerrington Municipal Waste Disposal and Randey’s reluctant brother. He officially began his route on July 5, 2009 and spent an entire day at the first receptacle. “First, I put on my disposable latex gloves. Next I put on my bio-hazard suit with respirator. And then, I just went to town. (1,2,3…wooh)” said Salanfork. “Next, I emptied the trash can into the truck. I held my breath the whole time I was sooooo nervous. Next, next, next, I noticed not all the trash had fallen out of the bottom of the receptacle. So I got my cleanup kit and started cleaning the can….(1,2,3…wooh).” Salanfork then went into nauseating detail on how he scrubbed and polished and cleaned the filth and ‘taint’ out of the trash can until it shone in that evenings sunset. His trainer for the day, Bud Justbud, had to leave Salanfork behind so that he could finish the rest of the route on his own. “I felt bad leaving him there but he just seemed so happy with his mop and bucket and cleaning supplies and acids and I don’t even know what” said Justbud. Justbud later  stated that he had to repeat the process on day 2 on their 2nd route, Randey stayed at the first stop and cleaned until all the ‘taint’ was gone.”
Initially Randey loved his job but trouble struck when Randy realized he was not fitting in with the rest of the crew. “We started making fun of him. Often, by asking him if something had ‘taint’ on it.  We would say ‘Hey Randey, does this look like taint to you?’ and we would all laugh.” Randey stated, “I thought I was getting along with the rest of the crew at the district. But then (1,2,3…wooh)…I…(2,3…wo)…I found out that they were just teasing me.” Randey had discovered through an internet search on a computer with a meticulously clean keyboard that ‘taint’ was a double entendre.  This was a betrayal to Randey and he fell into a depression.  He pulled himself together to get to work each day but he had lost his enthusiasm. “We started feeling bad for Salad-fork so we tried to cheer him up but nothing worked.” Jusbud stated dismayed.
After completing his first full route, Randey announced his retirement. Salanfork soon fell into a deeper into sadness and secluded himself in a Lysol filled air tight bubble. “I can keep out all the germs in the world,” Salanfork mused, “but I can’t keep out all the hurting(…two…three…woe.)”