Middle Aged Woman Now Considered ‘Hottest Girl in the Office’

Montgomery Registers at 4.5 on the McJohnston Scale of Hotness

Pittsburgh, PA-Slightly over medicated 49 year old office manager, Elle-May Montgomery, received an unusual promotion on Friday. Since 1999, she has been a loyal employee at Sebsus International. But, in the male dominated world of fish hook and paperclip manufacturing, Montgomery is outnumbered six to one (men to women). The unbalanced ratio proved neither an advantage nor disadvantage for Montgomery. Then, receptionist Mary O’Shanty’s resignation on Friday disrupted the social structure of the office. Although unofficial and probably against company policy, Montgomery has risen to the status of ‘Hottest Girl in the Office’ by her male coworkers.

“I’m flattered by the promotion but, I’m embarrassed it took me a little while to realize I had assumed the role,” Montgomery said. “At first I thought it was just a coincidence. Some of the male staff started talking to me. Then, I received few random compliments and an invitation to lunch.” The office manager and mother of two finally realized that she had been elevated to ‘Hottest Girl’ when three different salesmen offered to help her carry some empty cardboard boxes to the storage room. “It just clicked in my head,” she said, “Aside from me, there are only two other women that work for this company.”

A review of the personnel files supports Montgomery’s claims. The only other two female employees are 73 year old accountant Eunice Smith and Shelly Thompson-Thompson. Thompson-Thompson is a 39 year old quadriplegic burn victim. She operates the fish hook press through a series of blinks and grunts on the factory floor. She is the youngest female employee and considered a hero for saving twenty orphans from a house fire. In spite of that, 25 of the 26 the male employees still classify her as ‘not hot.’ She falls between 0.0 and 1.0 on the McJohnston Scale of Hotness.* When asked about Montgomery’s good fortune, Thompson-Thompson replied with obvious jealousy, “Please just let me die. I cannot suffer any more. Please, I just want the pain to stop.”

Elle-May Montgomery promised to not let her new position over-inflate her self-esteem. But, she has recommended that the company appoint part time intern John [last name unknown by all employees] to the position of full time receptionist. That appointment would secure her role as ‘Hottest Girl in the Office’ for quite some time. There are currently no other open positions at the company.

Sebsus International is the leading manufacture of paper clips, fish hooks, and industrial waste in the tri-county area. The company has no connection to Sebsus International Bio-industrial Weapons Manufacturing where 25 year old accountant, Sophe Contableu, currently holds the number one hot spot.

*Developed by social scientist and fast food employee, Steven McJohnston. It quantifies female hotness on a scale 0-7.1 (where 0 = Lindsay Lohan today and 7.1 = Kate Bosworth.)

Technology: Motorola Launches New Phone Technology That Hides the Disapoinment in Your Parents Voice

Libertyville, IL – The nations third largest manufacture of consumer products has released a new technology that will revolutionize communication. Motorola Mobility announced Tuesday that the new feature called “UCallHome” will change the way you make voice calls to your parents. The technology uses enhanced digital signal processing to mask and sometimes completely eliminate the sound of disappointment from your mother and father’s voice.
Motorola CTO, and thankless son, Robuel Elderjist stated, “Lets face it, our customers are a complete disappointment to their parents in almost every way, really. We can’t change that. But, with the new UCallHome feature we can at least soften the grating criticism and worried but self-serving undertone of the conversations between parents and their adult children.” The technology takes the depressing and shameful electromagnetic signals that come from your parents, especially your mother, and uses patented technology to analyze the signal. The signal is then rated on a scale of reactionary presets from college expulsion to grandchild birth and is processed accordingly. “The genius of the new feature is its subtlety,” said Elderjist, who still has not called is mother, even though she had a bad fall last week and hurt her shin, and had to go to the doctor, and she knows he knows about the fall because she left a message on his voice machine, “The actual words that your parents say are not altered. Only the whiny tone and warbled pleas are altered causing resentful statements to sound at worst dismissive and at best encouraging.”
she is prgnant although still not married
Tech blogger ‘Angela’ calls her parents to tell them she is pregnant but unmarried. .
Reaction to technology was originally skeptical. Early beta tester of the technology Rhonda McJohnston said “To be honest, the tech didn’t work with my mother at first. It missed the nuanced racism of her undermining statements about how I will never find a good ‘white’ man if I didn’t lose some weight. But after an update to the software that included the Sarcastic Undertone Engine v1.4, it locked on to my mothers speech patterns and we have been much closer since. I only dread visiting her in person now. I don’t get physically ill when she calls and I’ve almost completely stopped calling my therapist after I talk to my mother.” 
At the press conference, several unconvinced reporters asked questions like “What if I call and ask for money?” and “Will thiths help if I need to, like, “come out” to my parenths?” In a surprise demonstration, Elderjist called up his long time assistant Mary P____ and had her call her conservative mid-western father and tell him that she was not in fact engaged but only sleeping with her short time boyfriend. To the audience’s delight, the conversation goes over smoothy and ends politely. Applause from the disappointing sons and directionless and thankless daughters in attendance erupted.
After the announcement Motorola stock rose a respectable 10%, but that doesn’t matter because you’ve never held a job long enough to even think about investing. And that’s why you don’t have a girlfriend because you are too irresponsible and whydon’tyoucallyourmothermore?

"No Fat Chicks" Bumper Sticker Totally Effective

Shafter, CA – Steven McJohnston announced that the new bumper sticker on his lifted ’08 Ford F-250, is “totally effective”. Mr. McJohnston spoke before a loose collection of like minded individuals confirming that he has successfully lifted his prospects for finding a suitable girlfriend by a simple last minute purchase from the Pep Boys in near by Bakersfield. McJohnston stated “so, there I was picking up some more McGuiars to polish up my baby. When I saw this ‘No Fat Chicks!’ bumper sticker.” Those in attendance gave audible sounds of approval as he pointed out the sticker newly affixed on the late model Ford pickup. “I put is just below the FOX and No Fear stickers so even the short ones could read it.” Mr. McJohnston said to an audience of cat call and an “Awe Yeah!” from his best bro Brett. When asked of the effectiveness of the new emblem on his truck McJohnston simply looked around and pressed his lips in a knowing smile and said “You see any around here?”

Further study divulges a near complete drop in the number of fat chicks in the 100 yard radius around the truck. Although more conclusive examination is needed to note the effects when said truck is near an Arby’s or off-brand doughnut shop. Preliminary and anecdotal reports are labeling this effect the McJohnson Push.
Some skeptics and “haters” are attributing the effect more to the fact that he broke up with is long time girlfriend Shelly for being too fat. “She was pushing 2.5 bills!” says Scott (no last name given) while pulling on the gold chain on his neck and adjusting his flat billed cap. “I mean, seriously that’s pretty cold and he ain’t got any other girls around him now.” Suggesting the effect may push away all available females of breeding age within the radius of study.
McJohnson claims that is not the case but produced no evidence to the contrary.