Pittsburgh, PA-Slightly over medicated 49 year old office manager, Elle-May Montgomery, received an unusual promotion on Friday. Since 1999, she has been a loyal employee at Sebsus International. But, in the male dominated world of fish hook and paperclip manufacturing, Montgomery is outnumbered six to one (men to women). The unbalanced ratio proved neither an advantage nor disadvantage for Montgomery. Then, receptionist Mary O’Shanty’s resignation on Friday disrupted the social structure of the office. Although unofficial and probably against company policy, Montgomery has risen to the status of ‘Hottest Girl in the Office’ by her male coworkers.
“I’m flattered by the promotion but, I’m embarrassed it took me a little while to realize I had assumed the role,” Montgomery said. “At first I thought it was just a coincidence. Some of the male staff started talking to me. Then, I received few random compliments and an invitation to lunch.” The office manager and mother of two finally realized that she had been elevated to ‘Hottest Girl’ when three different salesmen offered to help her carry some empty cardboard boxes to the storage room. “It just clicked in my head,” she said, “Aside from me, there are only two other women that work for this company.”
A review of the personnel files supports Montgomery’s claims. The only other two female employees are 73 year old accountant Eunice Smith and Shelly Thompson-Thompson. Thompson-Thompson is a 39 year old quadriplegic burn victim. She operates the fish hook press through a series of blinks and grunts on the factory floor. She is the youngest female employee and considered a hero for saving twenty orphans from a house fire. In spite of that, 25 of the 26 the male employees still classify her as ‘not hot.’ She falls between 0.0 and 1.0 on the McJohnston Scale of Hotness.* When asked about Montgomery’s good fortune, Thompson-Thompson replied with obvious jealousy, “Please just let me die. I cannot suffer any more. Please, I just want the pain to stop.”
Elle-May Montgomery promised to not let her new position over-inflate her self-esteem. But, she has recommended that the company appoint part time intern John [last name unknown by all employees] to the position of full time receptionist. That appointment would secure her role as ‘Hottest Girl in the Office’ for quite some time. There are currently no other open positions at the company.
Sebsus International is the leading manufacture of paper clips, fish hooks, and industrial waste in the tri-county area. The company has no connection to Sebsus International Bio-industrial Weapons Manufacturing where 25 year old accountant, Sophe Contableu, currently holds the number one hot spot.
*Developed by social scientist and fast food employee, Steven McJohnston. It quantifies female hotness on a scale 0-7.1 (where 0 = Lindsay Lohan today and 7.1 = Kate Bosworth.)