Pope Adds ‘Spoiler Alert’ Tag to New Version of the Bible

The Pope makes a rare appearance in non traditional garb.

Originally published on December 20, 2012-Vatican City, Vatican – Pope Benedict XVI announced the release of an updated version of the Bible, last Tuesday.

Taking a break from giving excuses for past unconscionable behavior, Benedict announced the new version and discussed many of its features. The Pope stepped away from tradition by appearing in a black turtle neck on a stage with two white easy chairs and a large projected screen. The presentation began with a brief overview of the history of the book. Speaking through an interpreter he stated, “The bible is the best-selling book in history. In fact, last year, there were over 100 million sold. But we have seen stagnation in the features of the Good Book. So today I would like to introduce, the New Bible.” The audience fawned as a picture of a simple black book with no words on the cover appeared on the screen overhead.

The Pope then spoke about its new features, “We have simplified the cover so that it is a solid black single piece of leather; it is truly unibody construction. Our designers have selected the best paper for printing so that the New Bible is now 1.7 mm thinner than any other printed before it. It is also 28 grams lighter which, admittedly, dose not sound like much. But, when you hold it in your hand you will be amazed at the difference.” He then told the audience that it would be release March 14th. Immediately, the most faithful in attendance left the auditorium to go line up in front of churches to be one of the first to own a New Bible.

The Pope then revealed some of the new features inside, “While we left the contents the same, we did do some shuffling. Now, we placed the books in alphabetical order so that they could be found easier. Also for prophetic books, we added “Spoiler Alert” in red text for sections of prophecy that have not occurred yet. This is for the faithful who want to be surprised by the apocalypse.”

After the announcement, one critic panned the New Bible and said, “The Pope and company are just releasing the same dogma. It just has an improved cover and a few features. I mean do we really need a “spoiler alert” tag. I’ve never even opened my old Bible.” Another audience member complained, “The ten dollar price is not bad. But, I don’t want to get locked into a two year tithing contract. Especially with the weak services that my church has been having lately.”

The New Bible will be available on March 14th for Catholics only, on contract. But, it will become available to other faith carriers at an undisclosed later date.

Creepy Guy Walking Behind You Most Likely to Kill You

Los Angeles, CA-Scientists have found that your most likely cause of death in the near future is the creepy guy walking behind you. A Midwestern University survey, headed by locally anesthetized statistician Dr. Hernan Hankolzaban, found that, in all probability, the hooded teen-to-mid-twenties man walking behind you will “pwoboby kiww you in du near fuwture.” Dr. Hankolzaban noted the pulled over hood in hot weather, sketchy gait, and the fact that he has been 10 steps behind you for the last 3 blocks all contributed to his findings. Although race was not taken into account, Dr. Hankolzabansaid indicated that his model assumed a not-white, or non-Asian ethnicity.

The study is not without critics. Dr. Pencilpointy Sr. of the New England Journal of Statistics and Numbers stated that the likelihood of you being killed by this particular hooded individual is much closer to only ten percentile points. Instead, he figured that this person is more likely to just rob and possibly molest you. He did indicate that your more likely death would be caused by abrupt head trauma from the Metro bus that you failed to see as you were running away from your assailant.

Both experts agree that further study is necessary, but included that your untimely death is in fact near and preparations should be made accordingly.