Pope Adds ‘Spoiler Alert’ Tag to New Version of the Bible

The Pope makes a rare appearance in non traditional garb.

The Pope makes a rare appearance in non traditional garb.

Originally published on December 20, 2012-Vatican City, Vatican – Pope Benedict XVI announced the release of an updated version of the Bible, last Tuesday.

Taking a break from giving excuses for past unconscionable behavior, Benedict announced the new version and discussed many of its features. The Pope stepped away from tradition by appearing in a black turtle neck on a stage with two white easy chairs and a large projected screen. The presentation began with a brief overview of the history of the book. Speaking through an interpreter he stated, “The bible is the best-selling book in history. In fact, last year, there were over 100 million sold. But we have seen stagnation in the features of the Good Book. So today I would like to introduce, the New Bible.” The audience fawned as a picture of a simple black book with no words on the cover appeared on the screen overhead.

The Pope then spoke about its new features, “We have simplified the cover so that it is a solid black single piece of leather; it is truly unibody construction. Our designers have selected the best paper for printing so that the New Bible is now 1.7 mm thinner than any other printed before it. It is also 28 grams lighter which, admittedly, dose not sound like much. But, when you hold it in your hand you will be amazed at the difference.” He then told the audience that it would be release March 14th. Immediately, the most faithful in attendance left the auditorium to go line up in front of churches to be one of the first to own a New Bible.

The Pope then revealed some of the new features inside, “While we left the contents the same, we did do some shuffling. Now, we placed the books in alphabetical order so that they could be found easier. Also for prophetic books, we added “Spoiler Alert” in red text for sections of prophecy that have not occurred yet. This is for the faithful who want to be surprised by the apocalypse.”

After the announcement, one critic panned the New Bible and said, “The Pope and company are just releasing the same dogma. It just has an improved cover and a few features. I mean do we really need a “spoiler alert” tag. I’ve never even opened my old Bible.” Another audience member complained, “The ten dollar price is not bad. But, I don’t want to get locked into a two year tithing contract. Especially with the weak services that my church has been having lately.”

The New Bible will be available on March 14th for Catholics only, on contract. But, it will become available to other faith carriers at an undisclosed later date.

I’m Mad as Hell and Can’t Remember Why

Spokane, WA-Finkridge Elderjist is mad as hell. His only problem is, he can remember why. Elderjist is 82, and a former member of the Beckenhurst Rotary Club but, his anger, says Elderjist, “does not stem from his membership in said club. I think?” There are many things that bother him in this world: The price of gas, the war in Iraq, teenagers, people who drive to fast, people who drive to slow, etc. But these things ‘really just annoy him.’ No, Finkridge is mad for a very specific and personally offensive reason but is not sure what that reason is. “This young chap in a car almost ran me over last Thursday” said Elderjist “I got mad, but thats not it. I mean, I was a teen once. He was just in a hurry. No one got hurt.” Elderjist is an active member of the local Republican Party but he said his “interest is politics comes and goes so thats probably not why” he is so mad.”One day last week, I was watching something on TV and all of the sudden there was this scene of a naked woman.” Elderjis clarified that it was only her backside but he was still frustrated with the moral decay of society. I his day, this would not stand. Surely this is what is bothering him. “No, I don’t need to write a letter to the FCC. I mean, it was a beautiful backside and they show stuff like that on European TV all the time.”

Finkridge “Kennedy Killer” Elderjist now lives his days in the lush gardens of Shady Tumbleweed Retirement Facility in Upper Spokane, but the questions still linger in his mind. “What was I so Mad about? I’m almost more mad that I can’t remember why I was so mad. It’s ridiculous!” He still hopes that he may remember. “I was so mad, at one point, I had to do something about it, but right then the Bridge Tournament was starting. You never want to miss the Bridge Tournament.”

In the end, Elderjist says he may be better off. “I would probably just get myself in trouble, I still have my health and ten toes and ten finger…Hey! What happened to my little finger. Oh, someone is going to pay for this. They will pay dearly…Blood will spill for th…Oh its lunchtime! I love the rice pudding here. It reminds me of Martha’s rice pudding. She made the best rice pudding with raisins and peanutbutt…”