Des Planes, IL – The world’s largest purveyor of fine processed foods has recently patented a new technique that may turn the fast food industry in its head. The patent solidifies McDonald’s commitment to cater to the lowest common denominator of clientele by removing the necessity of forming any recognizable syllable. Craig McCraigerson of McDonald’s technical response department admitted, “Many of our most loyal customers find proper pronunciation in any language a severe determent from visiting our locations a least 6 times a week. Often times our hard pressed staff is left grasping at straws trying to comprehend the constant raping of proper language. So we have patented a new ordering system that only requires a series of guttural grunts in order to communicate delicious menu choices to our well trained employees.”
McDonald’s changed the industry in the past by offering a number selection menu where customers could order well over 3200 calories of processed farm remnants with just a single number or phrase in almost any common language. As the clientele of McDonald’s evolved it has become increasing difficult to force customers into uttering complete syllables like ‘one’ or ‘two’. The new system proposes a series of grunts and heavy breathing to communicate an order to the low paid customer service representative.
McCraigerson also stated, “While we understand our customers burn tremendous calories transporting their rotund physique to our stores, we do not wish any unnecessary waste of life giving caloric energy. We no longer force our patrons to expend effort with an abstract and archaic language when a series of grunts and wheezes could just as easily suit the job.”
In the newly proposed system a Number 1 Super Value Meal is now “ungh” or a grunt. A Number 2 Meal is now an “ungh, unugggghuh,” or a ‘grunt wheeze’ according to industry experts.
Cameras will be deployed at drive through locations in order to process the point and grunt technique so that the accuracy of patron’s orders will be properly addressed. The cameras will allow fat sausage finger gestures to accompany vocal cues for inarticulate consumers. “Any technology that allows me to avoid customer contact is fine with me,” stated 3 month retail veteran Miles Davis, “It will make our job much easier and I think the customers will be happier.”
The new procedures of ordering at fast food restaurants are not without critics. Prof. Theodore Uptightly expressed disgust for the new system stating, “The end of true language is at hand. The inability of the vulgar people to express even the most basic of human necessities is further reason to begin serving pure swill to anyone who cannot accurately describe what they want.” Some have called Uptightly’s comments as ‘rude and ignant’ (sic). In either case McDonald’s cannot be criticized for knowing its customer base and catering to the lowest rung of filthy human waste.
McDonalds has rolled out the new point and grunt menu system to select stores in the Mid-West, the Deep South, and San Francisco.