Creepy Guy Walking Behind You Most Likely to Kill You

Los Angeles, CA-Scientists have found that your most likely cause of death in the near future is the creepy guy walking behind you. A Midwestern University survey, headed by locally anesthetized statistician Dr. Hernan Hankolzaban, found that, in all probability, the hooded teen-to-mid-twenties man walking behind you will “pwoboby kiww you in du near fuwture.” Dr. Hankolzaban noted the pulled over hood in hot weather, sketchy gait, and the fact that he has been 10 steps behind you for the last 3 blocks all contributed to his findings. Although race was not taken into account, Dr. Hankolzabansaid indicated that his model assumed a not-white, or non-Asian ethnicity.
The study is not without critics. Dr. Pencilpointy Sr. of the New England Journal of Statistics and Numbers stated that the likelihood of you being killed by this particular hooded individual is much closer to only ten percentile points. Instead, he figured that this person is more likely to just rob and possibly molest you. He did indicate that your more likely death would be caused by abrupt head trauma from the Metro bus that you failed to see as you were running away from your assailant.

Both experts agree that further study is necessary, but included that your untimely death is in fact near and preparations should be made accordingly.

Local Fat Man Realizes Lunch at McDonalds was the High point of His Day For the Last 5 Years

Daytona, FL – Local fat man, Bernard Fowlerington, began his day the same way that he had for the last 2 weeks. After a light breakfast, and a quick weigh in, he began planning his lunch for the day. As he opened his refrigerator door, a great darkness overcame him even as he surveyed his options. “1/2 sandwich and salad or soup and vegetable medley I thought to myself” said Fowlerington, ” when it hit me. This is spotty rabbit food.” He began to remember what had motivated to get out of bed every morning. “McDonalds! I said out loud to myself. Every morning I dreaded getting out of bed and the daily grind. I would just lay there until I would think of those beautiful golden french fries. I would think about what I would get…would it be a McChicken sandwich and 2 large fries or would I go classy and hork down 2 Big Macs.” Fowlerington would plan his day around his regular trip to the nations largest fast food retailer.
Things changed when he visited his doctor for chest pains about 10 weeks ago. “Dr. Pencilpointy gave me a stern lecture about my weight and said my cholesterol was extremely high. He put me on a diet and exercise routine that was hard for me for the first few days but, then it got easier.” Fowlerington was diagnosed with metabolic disorder and his doctor told him that, if he did not change his ways, he would surely die at a young age.
It was 2 weeks in to the diet that he had the revelation that his only true reason for existence was consumption of McDonalds low priced/low quality food. Like a forbidden romance, Fowlerington realized that without the joy of his daily intake of highly processed, high calorie foods, his life had little meaning. It was then that he decided that the diet, the exercise, the pain and suffering was all for nothing if he could not have is Fillet-o-fish, McGrill chicken with extra mayo, or his frosty cold milk shake at least once a day. “I realized that everything I did, getting up, showering, driving to work, working just hard enough to not get fired…all of it, was so I could earn enough money for my one true love…fast food. It was then that I said to my self, ‘you got to get busy living the short life you want, not a long, healthy long life someone else wants for you.'” said Bernard with half a smile “life is all about making the right decisions, not doing what your told.”
Bernard Fowlerington, of course, did not die from his poor diet and lack of exercise. In fact things turned around for him. He suffered a series of mild strokes that left half of his body paralyzed. “It was as if fate stepped in and gave me this gift…” He said struggling to properly form the words “…since the stroke, I was able to go on state disability so now I never have to leave the house except to go to my nearest drive-through and order whatever I want. I truly am living the Dreannnnn…mmmm.”