I Just Met a Guy Who Said He Didn’t Know You

Op Ed by Steve the Wet Hand – Oh hey, hello. We haven’t talked in a while. I’ve called you but you never seem to be there. Like the time when I was in the hospital and you never came to visit me. Anyways, I was just talking to that guy over there. I told him about how long we have known each other. Then he told me he didn’t know who you were. So there’s that.

Anyway, I wanted to talk to you about all my problems because you always seemed to be a good or at least indifferent listener. But the guy over there who doesn’t know you doesn’t know how good of a friend you are. Well really, you don’t walk away like most other people. I wanted to tell you about this really uncomfortable event that happened to me and I will be going into unimaginably painful detail. It’s pretty gruesome. You will want to pull your bottom lip over your face and swallow but you are a good friend and will listen and nod. You will only check your phone every minute or so to see if there is anything on Pinterest that is more interesting than my unnecessary and long story.

OK so it goes like this: I locked my keys in the car yesterday. That’s my story in a nutshell, but that is not a good enough summary.  I will describe in bleedingly painful and useless detail how it started. You’re a good buddy so you won’t just say ‘I’m sorry’ and walk away. But the guy over there who said he doesn’t know you won’t know that.  You will stick by me as I go over my entire story which starts, by the way, almost twenty four hours earlier with a bunch on nonessential detail. it will include disgusting information about my cat and its dance with a litter box. I will tell you my story and you will listen. Because you are such a good friend and the guy over there that doesn’t know you doesn’t know this about you. I will continue to talk to you, or at you, until you are literally bashing your head into the arm of the sofa. I will fill your head with a plethora of micro-details that will cause a psychic headache that the guy over there that doesn’t know you will not experience. This is because I just met him and I need to act like a normal, near-delightful person around him. I will act normally until he drops his guard and then I can unleash my all-consuming and emotionally draining self on him. You won’t know about this because you don’t know who he. He just told me has never met you.

It’s a shame because he does not know you and does not know about the social abuses that I heap on you. If you never meet him he will never know how I will suck the life from you every time I talk to you. But that is OK. Because you will sit quietly ignoring my story and only repeat the last thing I say to you when I pause. You usually make it sound like a question so that it almost sounds like we are actually having a conversation. You are a good friend like that but the guy over there who said he didn’t know you doesn’t know it.

So let me tell you the story of how I locked my keys in the car…Hey where are you going.

Local Woman Spends Hours on Pinterest

The Internet, The Internet–In an effort to numb herself to the harsh realities of suburban meaninglessness, a local woman admits to spending hours daily on image link sharing site Pinterest. Filderjay Salanfork admits to spending most of her day ‘pinning’ clothes she will never fit in and foods that keep her from fitting in said clothes. Pinterest, oft described as ‘internet for girls,’ is a social networking site where women can ‘pin’ crap that they can’t afford and foods no one should ever eat and share these findings with other, probably overweight, users. “Oh that’s a good uuugh.” Salanfork says as she clicks her mouse to add a seven layer cake-pie of various fruits, chocolates and cream frosting. Pinterest is designed to be use solely with a mouse as most users find computer keyboard keys to be too small for their well endowed fingers. Salanfork does recognized she may have a problem and says, “Sometimes I want to stop but it is just so addic…oh skinny galactic wash jeans with an elastic waistband. Sooooo, cute!”
Emaciated models reinforce negati..oh you don’t really care!

Self proclaimed Pinterest behavioral expert and part time homeless man Steve Banilitfoto stated, “By using photographic and redundant visual cues, the site can build addictive behaviors in women much like  pornographic web sites do in men. The genius is in the sites multi-column design that caters to the non linear and emotional thinking of a female brain. So uh, do you have any spare change?” While MentalDuctTape spares change for no one, Banilitfoto did have a point, and further time was spent researching phonographic internet portals. No conclusive information was gleaned from this research.

While mindless hours can be wasted away scrolling through any website on the internet. Pinterest specializes in providing page after page of pictures of cake, anorexic wedding dresses, and sunsets with poorly pasted pseudo-inspiring Helga font text. This has proven a problem for stay at home mom, Salanfork. Six year old Kateluuh Salanfork said, “Mommy, mommy, mommy, MOM!” Kateluuh received only monosyllabic ooh’s or huh’s to comfort her cries.
Pinterest is a privately-held, venture-backed social media internet site with no financial, emotional, legal or homosexual ties with MentalDuctTape.