Washington DC-After the Transportation Security Administration discontinued the use of the controversial ‘nude’ body scanners, many wondered what new type of intrusive and questionable practice would take its place. TSA Executive -Type-Person, John Pistole, announced a new program on Tuesday that he claims will be less intrusive and more effective for passengers. He stated, “The evil, ugly, and rude terrorists that are out there won’t stop until we are all dead. Thus, we need to continue to expand our intrusions on civil liberties so that they don’t win.” He then added “Hell, there may be some terrorists under your bed. We just don’t know. So, I am pleased to announce a new program called the System to Register and Improve Passenger Performance, Efficiency, and Respect or STRIPPER. It consists of a metal pole mounted on the floor and ceiling of the Security screening area at passenger check in. It is filled with all the latest electronics and sensors that, frankly, makes Robocop look like a wind-up toy.”
TSA employee ‘CanDee’ Demonstrates new passenger screening procedures.
The TSA has been under heavy criticism from bloggers and other online media for having nonsensical and invasive policies. With the announcement today the TSA has promised to balance rights stripping security and sexual gratification with freedom for travelers. Pistole continued, “With the latest intelligence we have received, the average terrorist is now most likely female, between the ages of 18 and 29, and under 120 lbs. Under the STRIPPER program, only passengers that fit this profile will be required to sensually swing around the scanner poles.” When asked to explain the logic behind the new policy the TSA director cleared his throat and blinked.
The TSA plans the rollout of this program to begin at airports in Los Angeles and South Beach, Florida sometime near spring break. “This time frame will allow us to root out hot, young, and nubile terrorists,” Pistole spoke licking his lips. The STRIPPER scanners will be installed at great expense by an unnamed and well-connected government contractor. For further information on the new program go to: HTTP://TSA.CO.GOV/HOTNEWS/STRIPPER.
Tehachapi, CA-Local resident Lehman Santosandgina was surprised by his wife last Tuesday afternoon with new accusations of having a secret life. As Carroll Santosandgina was cleaning the couple’s modest bedroom, she began dusting the side table next to the bed. “Suddenly this hairy object fell from underneath the side table drawer.” Mrs. Santosandgina said, “At first I thought it was a spider, you know, one of those big scary ones.” To her relief it did not move and she realized that it was not in fact an over-follicled arachnid. “I picked it up and in the light I realized there was sticky material on the back” she stated to her sister-in-law Vassel McDoubter who happened to visiting that day, delivering Mary Kay products. She showed it to McDoubter and, after careful examination, properly identified it as a fake mustache.
“It was a thick one” McDoubter later stated, “like what was popular in the ’70’s and 80’s…or something that a cop would have.” The fake mustache sat untouched on the kitchen table as Mrs. Santosandgina began to wonder why her husband would have something like this. “At first I thought it was a definite sign he was cheating on me. But I thought that it didn’t make any sense.”. Later she admitted that he thought that her husband may have a fantasy about reliving his college years, wanted to be a fireman, a cop or some other civil service.
It was not until Mr. Santosandgina was almost home that she finally figured it out. “We had rented this really poor production value pornographic video a few weeks back. It was just dreadful. The main character…Ivan Yacinov or something like that… had this really thick mustache that Lehman kept mentioning and admiring. “
When Lehman Santosandgina did finally arrive home he knew something was amiss as he entered the narrow threshold of the living room. ”She had this air about her that she only gets when she’s really mad” Sandtosandgina stated, “I just didn’t want to hear it so I tried to ignore it until I saw my ‘stash sitting on the table”
In the end, the couple is closer now because of the incident. “Lehman confessed to me that he had always wanted to be a police officer but when he entered his teens and early 20’s he was never able to grow the nice thick mustache that the men in blue wear so proudly. I felt bad for him really.”Mrs. Santosangina says. “I threw that worthless costume prop away and decided to grow my own,” Lehman says proudly, “WHAT!? No I have not been drinking chocolate milk. Why do you ask?”
Editors Note: The Santosanginas filed for divorce on April 2nd citing irreconcilable differences. In a post interview, Carroll Santosangina stated “I just can’t be married to a half-man freak who cant grow facial hair.”