Pope Adds ‘Spoiler Alert’ Tag to New Version of the Bible

The Pope makes a rare appearance in non traditional garb.

The Pope makes a rare appearance in non traditional garb.

Originally published on December 20, 2012-Vatican City, Vatican – Pope Benedict XVI announced the release of an updated version of the Bible, last Tuesday.

Taking a break from giving excuses for past unconscionable behavior, Benedict announced the new version and discussed many of its features. The Pope stepped away from tradition by appearing in a black turtle neck on a stage with two white easy chairs and a large projected screen. The presentation began with a brief overview of the history of the book. Speaking through an interpreter he stated, “The bible is the best-selling book in history. In fact, last year, there were over 100 million sold. But we have seen stagnation in the features of the Good Book. So today I would like to introduce, the New Bible.” The audience fawned as a picture of a simple black book with no words on the cover appeared on the screen overhead.

The Pope then spoke about its new features, “We have simplified the cover so that it is a solid black single piece of leather; it is truly unibody construction. Our designers have selected the best paper for printing so that the New Bible is now 1.7 mm thinner than any other printed before it. It is also 28 grams lighter which, admittedly, dose not sound like much. But, when you hold it in your hand you will be amazed at the difference.” He then told the audience that it would be release March 14th. Immediately, the most faithful in attendance left the auditorium to go line up in front of churches to be one of the first to own a New Bible.

The Pope then revealed some of the new features inside, “While we left the contents the same, we did do some shuffling. Now, we placed the books in alphabetical order so that they could be found easier. Also for prophetic books, we added “Spoiler Alert” in red text for sections of prophecy that have not occurred yet. This is for the faithful who want to be surprised by the apocalypse.”

After the announcement, one critic panned the New Bible and said, “The Pope and company are just releasing the same dogma. It just has an improved cover and a few features. I mean do we really need a “spoiler alert” tag. I’ve never even opened my old Bible.” Another audience member complained, “The ten dollar price is not bad. But, I don’t want to get locked into a two year tithing contract. Especially with the weak services that my church has been having lately.”

The New Bible will be available on March 14th for Catholics only, on contract. But, it will become available to other faith carriers at an undisclosed later date.

Local Man Finds His Wife Very Attractive

Blue Moon Tavern and Grill, Seattle, WA –  Shocked friends, a few eavesdropping passers-by and the waitress all expressed disbelief when Stephenal J. Lavensusmanos disclosed his physical and highly sexual attraction to his spouse of 15 years. What started as a normal post-vocational visit to the pub, soon became a hot bed of  gossip and intrigue as Lanvensumanos  declared that he found his wife to be sexually attractive. Co-worker and fellow pub patron, Stephenal Flowerington called his claims to the court of public opinion and pressed him further for details.  Lavensusmanos unbelievably declared “Well, she began losing a little weight and began exercising, you know, taking care of herself” to the horror of his compatriots in attendance. Flowerington, then called veteran Blue Moon Tavern and Grill waitress (who claims she has heard ‘like everything working here’) over to provide her loose change. After hearing Lavensusmanos story she expressed her disbelief and asked “Would you ever, you know, make a move on her?” Lavensusmanos responded in the affirmative but conceded that she may be ‘too hot’ for him now. He then declared that after a few more drinks he may ‘go all in’ this evening.
In a follow up conversation the next day Lavensusmanos and Flowerington discussed his awkward and fruitless attempt to start a conversation with her the previous night. “I hung out in the kitchen ’cause I know she goes there quite often and I kept thinking about what to say.”  According to his account, as his wife walked in the kitchen he got flustered and just blurted out something about the weather and laughed nervously.  She then asked him to take out the trash and check on their slumbering kids.  She may have mumbled something else while she walked away. He was not sure because he checked out her backside and got synaptically lost as she left the room. Lavensusmanos then confessed to a shameful session of semi-sober self gratification in the bathroom sink before falling asleep on the couch.