Disney Enlists Jerry Bruckheimer to Direct Star Wars Sequel

Hollywood, CA – In a rush to cash in on the short lived franchise Star Wars, Disney is enlisting the help of critically acclaimed filmic maestro Jerry Bruckheimer. Known for his emotionally subtle and poignant directing, Bruckheimer will rebooting the Star Wars movies and bring a fresh perspective. Disney CEO Bob Iger stated, “We are pleased to bring Mr. Bruckheimer’s unique artistic sensibilities to the faltering Star Wars series.”

At the press conference, Bruckheimer was asked if he had any ideas for the new movie. He said, “I never watched the other movies, so, I know I can bring a fresh view to the series.” When asked to elaborate on potential plot lines, he said, “What if

Jerry Bruckheimer rambling something about Bruce Willis, Ben Affleck, and Johnny Depp.

Vader isn’t Luke’s father? What if the Star Wars universe only exists in the imagination of a retarded Shia LaBeouf? What if the force is really just a mystical power that surrounds us and not a disease in the bloodstream of a few? I have a few other ideas. We have not fully explored them yet, but I’ll bang a script out in the next few minutes.”

Iger then recommended that fans get in line now for a move that will be in every theater, play for a long time at said theaters, be available on DVD (but not Blu-Ray or iTunes), and cable TV after that. He then said, “We will focus on making movies that will please the fans by digging deeper into the wonderful and colorful characters in Star Wars. We will also balance that with enough explosions to appease the knuckle dragging mass of idiots that just like to watch shiny things…” Bruckheimer interrupted Iger by saying, “What if the huge spaceships of the Empire transform into Ninja Turtles and fight with the Jedi? Ooooooor, what if, what if, Luke and Solo and that harry creature guy that can’t talk, what if, they go on a road trip across Australia? Do you see the potential for a great movie? Oh, wait, what if an asteroid is headed for Tatooine and Luke has to assemble a rag tag group of clichéd Jedi characters to use their mind force powers to push the asteroid over to the Empire side of the galaxy? Oh my god, are we making more than one movie? How many x’s are in the word explosion? I think we need to add a few more.” Bruckheimer then rambled on about other potential plots with more holes than could be counted. He then sat down on the sage and, rocking back and forth, said “Shia LaBeouf, Shia LaBeouf, Shia LaBeouf.” He changed the phonetic emphasis of the name each time he spoke. This continued until all in attendance were thoroughly creeped out.

Hollywood economists have estimated that the new movie could generate as much as fifteen kajillion dollars in gross revenue and even more with emerging global markets. The estimated release date for the new move will be the summer of 2015.

Space Shuttle Endesvour Dunrkenly Lands at LAX After Nation Wide Pub Crawl

Los Angeles International Airport – The space shuttle Endeavour nearly crash landed at LAX on Friday after a nation wide pub crawl.  The week long bender started in Florida at a Blue Moon tavern near Kennedy Space Center. Making various stops at seedy bars and dance clubs, Endeavour tried to use his falling fame to “pick up chicks and party with supermodels.”
“I’ve been to space bitches. Bring on the hooch.” Endeavour would shout as it toured various monuments throughout the southwest United States. As a few spectators came to the White Sands Test Facility in New Mexic to see the shuttle in the air for the last time Endeavour shouted, “Hey baby wanna see my retractable arm. It’s 300 feet long. Let me just open my bay doors.” Many spectators noted that they had not seen a civil servant retire with such insatiable hedonism since bill Clinton. 
Endeavour reminisced in between body shots and gave into tears when he stated, “The first time you go into space, man, you look at the earth and you are just awestruck at the like beauty of your home planet, man.” When asked why the shuttle was now retiring, Endeavour stated, “The twenty-fifth time you go to space, you’re bored with just doing loops around the planet. I’m like, f___ this shit. I’m going to the moon! I’m the motherf___in space shuttle. I go where I want. Let’s have another boilermaker.”
Endeavour dancing and on drugs at an El Paso night Club.
In another incident, Endeavour cleared out an El Paso dance club by shouting on the dance floor, “I’m going out with a bang. Just like the Challenger.” Some patrons were seen crying in rage and disgust as they left the club.
Although Endeavours speeches have proven to be less and less coherent on the four day tour, the shuttle did sober up enough to leave Edwards Air force Base on time. But, en route to Los Angeles International the shuttle discovered the in-flight mini bar on board the modified 747 and quickly sank into an alcoholic stupor
Originally scheduled to arrive in Los Angeles on Thursday Endeavour demanded a detour to Tijuana and evidently smoked 4.2 metric tons of marijuana. “I used my afterburner to light that shit. I f___in’ got the whole town high. I’m the motherf___in space shuttle. “
Endeavour was then detained by customs for a few hours for trying to cross the border with 8.6 million pounds of uncut heroine stored in the secondary bay. NASA Officials used long standing political connections to pay a fine and avoid jail time for the shuttle. 
Endeavour is now staying at a United Airlines hangar to be repaired and prepped for transport to its final home at the California Science in Downtown Los Angeles. Experts speculate Endeavour may also be receiving treatment for alcohol dependence and an STD.