Washington, DC – A young Republican representative from North Carolina, Jack Sniderton, has been placed on immediate probation after failing a standard drug screening test required for all members of Congress. In recent months, Sinderton has fallen under harsh criticisms from both Republican and Democrat peers for showing excessive amounts of logic and thoughtfulness. Allegations of compassion and reasonableness for both his contemporaries and his constituents have dogged the new member of congress since he was elected a year ago. Some have accused him of working on insightful legislation that was not poorly written and rushed. Democratic Senator from California, Dianne Feinstein, said, “Sniderton is a perfect example of a naive but corrupted first termer. I’ve heard that some have seen him come in to the office with hope in his eyes and a positive outlook. When I have interacted with him, I sometimes suspect that he has his constituent’s best interest at heart. I hope that an investigation will clear his name but from the circumstances he seems to be acting almost human.”
Article 7 of the 2001 Patriot Act strictly forbids thoughtfulness, kindness, and humanity in congressmen and any elected official. A congressional committee will be formed to weigh the evidence against Sniderton. If he is found guilty, he faces immediate expulsion from his office and criminal charges of treason and inciting anarchy.
Republican Congressman Eric Cantor, friend and mentor of Sniderton, spoke about the situation, “I’m not sure what happened. When he worked with me he was prone to taking brib…uh, donations just like the rest of us. He has such promise as a rhetoric spouting corporate shill. Now, I don’t know what to think. I just feel hurt. I hurt for him and his highly funded supporters.”
The drug test that he failed screens for compassion enhancing substances and anti-narcissistic tendencies. The committee will convene on Monday to review the evidence and, if necessary, take further action.