Local Woman Spends Hours on Pinterest

The Internet, The Internet–In an effort to numb herself to the harsh realities of suburban meaninglessness, a local woman admits to spending hours daily on image link sharing site Pinterest. Filderjay Salanfork admits to spending most of her day ‘pinning’ clothes she will never fit in and foods that keep her from fitting in said clothes. Pinterest, oft described as ‘internet for girls,’ is a social networking site where women can ‘pin’ crap that they can’t afford and foods no one should ever eat and share these findings with other, probably overweight, users. “Oh that’s a good uuugh.” Salanfork says as she clicks her mouse to add a seven layer cake-pie of various fruits, chocolates and cream frosting. Pinterest is designed to be use solely with a mouse as most users find computer keyboard keys to be too small for their well endowed fingers. Salanfork does recognized she may have a problem and says, “Sometimes I want to stop but it is just so addic…oh skinny galactic wash jeans with an elastic waistband. Sooooo, cute!”
Emaciated models reinforce negati..oh you don’t really care!

Self proclaimed Pinterest behavioral expert and part time homeless man Steve Banilitfoto stated, “By using photographic and redundant visual cues, the site can build addictive behaviors in women much like  pornographic web sites do in men. The genius is in the sites multi-column design that caters to the non linear and emotional thinking of a female brain. So uh, do you have any spare change?” While MentalDuctTape spares change for no one, Banilitfoto did have a point, and further time was spent researching phonographic internet portals. No conclusive information was gleaned from this research.

While mindless hours can be wasted away scrolling through any website on the internet. Pinterest specializes in providing page after page of pictures of cake, anorexic wedding dresses, and sunsets with poorly pasted pseudo-inspiring Helga font text. This has proven a problem for stay at home mom, Salanfork. Six year old Kateluuh Salanfork said, “Mommy, mommy, mommy, MOM!” Kateluuh received only monosyllabic ooh’s or huh’s to comfort her cries.
Pinterest is a privately-held, venture-backed social media internet site with no financial, emotional, legal or homosexual ties with MentalDuctTape.

One iPhone Per Indigent?

Cambridge, MA – Nicholas Negroponte announced a new plan today to introduce the less fortunate to the technology they need to connect to the world.“Today I would like to announce the creation of a new non-profit organization:One iPhone Per Indigent (OiPI).The OiPI represents the collaboration of Apple Computer, AT&T, the Corporation for Something Better and some people laid-off from Radio Shack.This program will provide free iPhones and cellular service to America’s homeless population”These people have no food, no home, and tattered clothing.At least they should be able to check e-mail and update their Facebook status from the comfort of their human filth covered back alley.”With a grin, Negroponte revealed the new OiPI iPhone which is a simplified and ruggedized version of the popular iPhone from Apple.

The personal communication device comes with hand crank charger, where 30 minutes of cranking will power the touch screen device for 3-5 minutes.“This device is water and urine proof and can withstand the weight of 700 aluminum cans piled on top of it.”Negroponte stated.He then described the pilot project in Tacoma, Washington where 300 randomly selected homeless persons were given these new iPhones.Local wino Stephen “the taint” Erikjorsen stated, after using the phone for several weeks:”The iPhone works ok but, I really wish it had the ability to cut and paste text…or give me a warm place to sleep and a meal that was not found in the garbage.Do you have any spare change?”

The OiPI program is not without controversy.Business Owner and Philanthropist Mitchum Wangre said, “I went to give this homeless guy a few dollars for breakfast and right as I was handing him the money his phone went off.He stopped me by putting a finger in the air and started talking to one of his homeless friends about some Twitter post from some guy called ”the taint”.I get that enough of that from my daughter”I don’t need that from the lowest rung of society, too. Frack that guy” Also, former Rotary Club member Finkridge Elderjist stated “Giving homeless people cellular phones is just stupid.It makes me mad as hell that someone would do something so stupid.”

Negroponte is quick to point out that the program is not without many successes.He highlighted that, former game show host (and currently homeless) Markun Sphinian was able to Facebook the comment “spydurs” 78 times in a row while smearing his own feces on a newspaper and sticking it on a wall.“This is true multitasking at the lowest level of civilization.” Negroponte stated.“Also, don’t forget about the economic benefit for all.Take Steve Balli…Banlie..Banilitfoto.He was homeless and didn’t have a cent to his name.Then, Steve received a free iPhone from OiPI in March.Within 2 weeks he was running a pornographic website about pictures of woman’s panties he had taken and uploaded with his iPhone.He made his first million 3 weeks later”and is considered one of the most creative, prolific, and vile pornographers in the industry.”Truly greatness can come from any social circle.

Success or failure, Negroponte says OiPI will be expanding the pilot project to nearby slums and ghettos and connecting them to the world.And, despite earlier reservations, will be offering a “buy one give one” program to help raise additional funding.

Editors Note:Steve Banilitfoto died of a self inflicted gunshot wound on May 15th.He survived by his wife Bonnie, his wife Gina, his wife Mercedes and his bitches Popo, Nunum, and Anus.