Disney Enlists Jerry Bruckheimer to Direct Star Wars Sequel

Hollywood, CA – In a rush to cash in on the short lived franchise Star Wars, Disney is enlisting the help of critically acclaimed filmic maestro Jerry Bruckheimer. Known for his emotionally subtle and poignant directing, Bruckheimer will rebooting the Star Wars movies and bring a fresh perspective. Disney CEO Bob Iger stated, “We are pleased to bring Mr. Bruckheimer’s unique artistic sensibilities to the faltering Star Wars series.”

At the press conference, Bruckheimer was asked if he had any ideas for the new movie. He said, “I never watched the other movies, so, I know I can bring a fresh view to the series.” When asked to elaborate on potential plot lines, he said, “What if

Jerry Bruckheimer rambling something about Bruce Willis, Ben Affleck, and Johnny Depp.

Vader isn’t Luke’s father? What if the Star Wars universe only exists in the imagination of a retarded Shia LaBeouf? What if the force is really just a mystical power that surrounds us and not a disease in the bloodstream of a few? I have a few other ideas. We have not fully explored them yet, but I’ll bang a script out in the next few minutes.”

Iger then recommended that fans get in line now for a move that will be in every theater, play for a long time at said theaters, be available on DVD (but not Blu-Ray or iTunes), and cable TV after that. He then said, “We will focus on making movies that will please the fans by digging deeper into the wonderful and colorful characters in Star Wars. We will also balance that with enough explosions to appease the knuckle dragging mass of idiots that just like to watch shiny things…” Bruckheimer interrupted Iger by saying, “What if the huge spaceships of the Empire transform into Ninja Turtles and fight with the Jedi? Ooooooor, what if, what if, Luke and Solo and that harry creature guy that can’t talk, what if, they go on a road trip across Australia? Do you see the potential for a great movie? Oh, wait, what if an asteroid is headed for Tatooine and Luke has to assemble a rag tag group of clichéd Jedi characters to use their mind force powers to push the asteroid over to the Empire side of the galaxy? Oh my god, are we making more than one movie? How many x’s are in the word explosion? I think we need to add a few more.” Bruckheimer then rambled on about other potential plots with more holes than could be counted. He then sat down on the sage and, rocking back and forth, said “Shia LaBeouf, Shia LaBeouf, Shia LaBeouf.” He changed the phonetic emphasis of the name each time he spoke. This continued until all in attendance were thoroughly creeped out.

Hollywood economists have estimated that the new movie could generate as much as fifteen kajillion dollars in gross revenue and even more with emerging global markets. The estimated release date for the new move will be the summer of 2015.

5 Inexpensive Dating Ideas From Consuelo the Orange

(Translated with the help of the Merriam-Webster Spanish to English Dictionary,1999 Edition.) Halo! You may say, “Mama Consuelo, I am poor college man. I make the Willie Nelson. I no make the big Jay-Z in dinero. How can I make/give pretty mamacita the good time for the dates without going Enron?” To you I have the news of the good. I tell you where to take ladies for fun with no spending the large Donald Trump. This hour I will bring to you the 5 no cost the dates for the ladies.

Sugerencia Uno-The Abandoned Field
The nature has all needed to treat a senorita to romance. Have a short drive from the city and bring blanket and pocket knife. Here the compliments is whispered to her ear of her prettiness as you lay out the blanket in grassy abandoned field. Then, give her knife and tell her you left something en la coche and you BRB. Get to car and leave her in the beauty of nature. Alone she will fight things like elements and use knife to kill you a rabbit or field mouse.  She will bring this to you and have cook good meal for you.
Cost: $0 + Gas
Beneficio: She cook you good meal and love you creative. Also, she prove she strong woman, able to take care for you.

Sugerencia Dos-Thrift Shop Hop

Your mamacita likes nice things. You take her to the store but you no money. But thrift shop has many nice things at low quality/price. You will take her to thrift shop and spend long time. Look at old VCR or tape player and spend hour or dos, pushing buttons or plugging plugs. Then leave and do not purchase. The romance will flow from her bosom.
Cost: $0 + bus fare.
Beneficio: She will see you man of taste and class. Sturdy strong man, Al Pacino.

Sugerencia Tres-Dine and the Leave

The date of the third can be a trick for man in woo. Ladies may be all swoon, but more is required to keep her interest. Take her to high class Tom Cruise restaurant  (Don’t worry, Mama Consuelo has plan.) She arrive with you in the fancy dress and reservations. Order all wonderful things and bring in the excesses of Beyonce to her. Before the check is bringing you tell her you must go and fade into the night. Her resolve to test love of you will be brought to fore.  She must pay as you not existence and the romance will Schwarzenegger.
Cost: Expensive – You not pay = $0
Beneficio: If she will still see you after this, dios mio, she is rich and the marriage is coming!

Sugerencia Quatro-Leave Her Home

This is simple way for el dating costs low. Go out and not bring the date of your affection. You have the enjoyment and then visit the girl caller after.  You will tell her of the fun you have and she love the stories you tell.  She find you interesting and throw her passions at you in heavy sway.
Cost: Whatever you spend on yourself mijo.
Beneficio: She think you interesting and selfish. She will turn to worship you.

Sugerencia Cinco-Just Love the Mama

This is the best, Consuelo can give you in the advice. Love tu madre and do not be the dating other girls. Mama will feed you and feed you. She cannot give you the Jay-Z cash. But spending dinero you can ask for. Mama exists in your house and the caring for all you need. You need the laundry or the food. Mama. You need the love. Mama. You never need to move out. Mama. Just the love. Mama.
Cost: -$50, ask Mama for it.
Beneficio: Tu Madre is the love.

Unaware of the Common Metaphor, Beef Bus Driver Parks in Front of TunaTown

Huntington Beach, CA – Beef Bus Cold Meat Transportation delivery driver Juanardo el Naranja was both embarrassed and confused by the rapacious laughter that occurred when he parked his vehicle in a small shopping center, Thursday. El Naranja was on his normal cured meat, cheese and out-of-date fashion magazine route when, due to road construction, he had to detour and park his van across the street from his normal delivery drop. Unwittingly, el Naranja became a living double entendre as he placed his truck in park right in front of the Tuna Town sea food reaturant and laundry-mat. “I have park here to deliver mi carne” he said, “when I see young boy like…ten y three. He laugh at me. I no! Why he laugh?”
And yet, laugh he did. Along with semi-nude model and housewife Elixabuff Salanfork who found parking the Beef Bus truck right in font of Tuna Town quite hilarious. “I can’t believe that he would park there,” she said still recovering from an elongated guffaw. The hysteria of the event soon took a new level as el Naranja quickly moved his quality cured meat and magazine delivery truck over one block to park in front of the local watering hole the Happy Clam.  To his dismay, the middle-school delight followed him as two youths riding skateboards pointed and laughed at the visual limerick that met them.
“I have never had such disrespect” amid the laughter of even the most respectable businness professional pedestrian walking passed, he continued “I am leaving for lunch. I will estride over to the Tamale Wagon to get my satisfaction.”  A nun walking past giggled at the exclamation.
Overcome with embarrassment that soon built to into rage el Naranja yelled to the gathering crowd, “I am respectable businessman. I drove the Beef Buss into Beaverton…Oregon for many years.”  Amid the increasing all out-laughter of everone near el Naranja, an eighth grade intramural basketball player shouted from the crowd. “Haha, then where did you work?”  Still making a stand for his respectable career, Mr. el Naranja stated “I satisfied many as a Hot Sausage delivery driver. Before that, I was a pressure washer in Quiverbone, Kentucky.”  Soon the laughter of the mass of public walking near the scene was too much for Mr. Juanardo el Naranja an he left the scene.
In a follow up interview, el Naranja stated “I am just humble man. I no wish ill and sickness or Tom Cruise  on any peronas. I start working as delivery as young boy ten years ago for Red Hot Intercourse meat company in SexSexSex, Texas…you know where that small town is? No? It is south, southwest of Fornication, Oklahoma. Why do you giggle at me? I am a Considerable Member of my Church.  Why do all laugh at me?”
el Naranja swiftly ended the interview and has refused comment since.

Movie Review: Random Explosions with Interspersed Grunty Monosyllabic Dialog

The Internet, USA – (A guest post by fifteen-year-old Twitter junkie Chase McChaserton who mostly cut and paste results from the hash tag #random_explosions.)

Wow this movie!!! Just wow!!!!! Lol you guys coming? @[name withheld] The explosions looked so realistic I’m having flashbacks #lololol!!! Did you guys get what he said at the end, “Save the last dance for Tango!” #spoiler OMG yeah they will totally make a sequel. Don’t you guys think that there was excessive murder of innocent security guards and contractors @chasethemace? Na, it was for the artistics of good explosions versus bad explosions. The good explosions kill the bad guys. And then the bad explosions scorch the good guys. #lololl.

Foolz, all you! This movie was crap but OK. I like the explosion. But there was no plot. Rt:rt: Foolz you! No there was a good story tho. @consuelotheorange sayed it best, explosion tells the story and the grunts of Tango represent the struggle of oppressed minorities struggling against oppression of the oppressv bad Man.

@[name withheld] you may say @chasethemace Is it really good? Like Pearl Harbour good? Finally, if you like explosions and a few robots Tango is the man for you. @[name withheld]

Most Languages I Speak are English

Op-Ed By: Consuelo The Orange (With help from Google Translate)
Halo! I am fluent in much speak of engles. You may speak and say, no. I say no. You not know from where I speak much engles. I study by read newsbooks and People magazine. Kardashian, JoLo, Tom Cruse and Holmes, you will agree? I know, ha, I know you thinking ‘no eschoola where I am from’ but I learn from eschoola de Ford Knox. While I make money with the cleaning I also listen with ear buddy to the news en engles.
You will think me too stupid to know what has been said but I learn new word from Quicklypedia: intonation. Ha you think the condecent is only on your mouth, but lips of the quivering lie in mouth with not a Beyonce and Jay-Z. You may not know what I say all times but with “intonation” I buy and cost the meaning from the shady.
So not all is same in breaking of new grounded words, Prince Charles and the skinny white girl. You have rich in the Nordstrom but I am have Queen Latifa in my own home. Much praise from my family and el jefe.