TSA to Remove ‘Nude’ Body Scanners, Replace with Poles

Washington DC-After the Transportation Security Administration discontinued the use of the controversial ‘nude’ body scanners, many wondered what new type of intrusive and questionable practice would take its place. TSA Executive -Type-Person, John Pistole, announced a new program on Tuesday that he claims will be less intrusive and more effective for passengers. He stated, “The evil, ugly, and rude terrorists that are out there won’t stop until we are all dead. Thus, we need to continue to expand our intrusions on civil liberties so that they don’t win.” He then added “Hell, there may be some terrorists under your bed. We just don’t know. So, I am pleased to announce a new program called the System to Register and Improve Passenger Performance, Efficiency, and Respect or STRIPPER. It consists of a metal pole mounted on the floor and ceiling of the Security screening area at passenger check in. It is filled with all the latest electronics and sensors that, frankly, makes Robocop look like a wind-up toy.”

TSA employee 'CanDee' Demonstrates new passenger screening procedures.

TSA employee ‘CanDee’ Demonstrates new passenger screening procedures.

The TSA has been under heavy criticism from bloggers and other online media for having nonsensical and invasive policies. With the announcement today the TSA has promised to balance rights stripping security and sexual gratification with freedom for travelers. Pistole continued, “With the latest intelligence we have received, the average terrorist is now most likely female, between the ages of 18 and 29, and under 120 lbs. Under the STRIPPER program, only passengers that fit this profile will be required to sensually swing around the scanner poles.” When asked to explain the logic behind the new policy the TSA director cleared his throat and blinked.

The TSA plans the rollout of this program to begin at airports in Los Angeles and South Beach, Florida sometime near spring break. “This time frame will allow us to root out hot, young, and nubile terrorists,” Pistole spoke licking his lips. The STRIPPER scanners will be installed at great expense by an unnamed and well-connected government contractor. For further information on the new program go to: HTTP://TSA.CO.GOV/HOTNEWS/STRIPPER.