Pope Adds ‘Spoiler Alert’ Tag to New Version of the Bible

The Pope makes a rare appearance in non traditional garb.

Originally published on December 20, 2012-Vatican City, Vatican – Pope Benedict XVI announced the release of an updated version of the Bible, last Tuesday.

Taking a break from giving excuses for past unconscionable behavior, Benedict announced the new version and discussed many of its features. The Pope stepped away from tradition by appearing in a black turtle neck on a stage with two white easy chairs and a large projected screen. The presentation began with a brief overview of the history of the book. Speaking through an interpreter he stated, “The bible is the best-selling book in history. In fact, last year, there were over 100 million sold. But we have seen stagnation in the features of the Good Book. So today I would like to introduce, the New Bible.” The audience fawned as a picture of a simple black book with no words on the cover appeared on the screen overhead.

The Pope then spoke about its new features, “We have simplified the cover so that it is a solid black single piece of leather; it is truly unibody construction. Our designers have selected the best paper for printing so that the New Bible is now 1.7 mm thinner than any other printed before it. It is also 28 grams lighter which, admittedly, dose not sound like much. But, when you hold it in your hand you will be amazed at the difference.” He then told the audience that it would be release March 14th. Immediately, the most faithful in attendance left the auditorium to go line up in front of churches to be one of the first to own a New Bible.

The Pope then revealed some of the new features inside, “While we left the contents the same, we did do some shuffling. Now, we placed the books in alphabetical order so that they could be found easier. Also for prophetic books, we added “Spoiler Alert” in red text for sections of prophecy that have not occurred yet. This is for the faithful who want to be surprised by the apocalypse.”

After the announcement, one critic panned the New Bible and said, “The Pope and company are just releasing the same dogma. It just has an improved cover and a few features. I mean do we really need a “spoiler alert” tag. I’ve never even opened my old Bible.” Another audience member complained, “The ten dollar price is not bad. But, I don’t want to get locked into a two year tithing contract. Especially with the weak services that my church has been having lately.”

The New Bible will be available on March 14th for Catholics only, on contract. But, it will become available to other faith carriers at an undisclosed later date.

90 Pound Model Considered ‘The Fat One’ Among Peers

New York, NY-Fashion model Amanda ‘Clarneesie’ Hutchinson is shaking up the modeling and fashion industry with her unique style and Lycra straining weight gain. The 6’2″ model stirred up the buzz when she premiered at New York Fashion Week carrying an additional 1.5 lbs. (0.68 kg) on her body. The added mass forced designers to squeeze her into a size 0 instead of the standard 00. “I like that she is taking chances”, says friend and fellow model Dernika, “To show up at Fashion Week so fat and still expect to go up. She is really brave.” To the surprise of many, her appearance was celebrated by most in attendance. Designer Fredrick Sanders gleefully embiggened Clarneesie’s dress by 0.2cm at the waist and a whole 0.5cm at the hips. Sanders stated, “It was a surprise to me when she showed up looking so huge. I was livid at first but I realized we could really grab the audience’s attention by putting a fat cow up there. It really worked.”

Her weight gain is not without is critics. 84lb (38kg) rival ShAneesie spoke out against the change, “With obesity on the rise worldwide, I think it’s careless to send this type of message. I totally saw Clarnessie eat two carrot sticks yesterday and she didn’t even throw it up afterward. It’s like she just wants to flaunt her weight. I think she might even be growing breasts. Disgusting.” Another model stated, “I think she is just getting lazy. She’s just letting herself go by gaining another pound. She said she skipped cardio this morning. Does she want to become a Lane Bryant model?”

Nobody reads the captions anymore.

With the controversy surrounding Clarnessie’s appearance, the model has taken the additional attention to further her career and speak out against the dangers of both obesity and anorexia. She stated, “Having now lived on both extremes of the scale, I think we put too much emphasis on weight. We all know the only thing that matters is looks. I think it’s ok to be a few pounds under or over weight, just don’t be ugly and things will go good for you.”

For further information on obesity and anorexia, just friggen’ Google it. Don’t be lazy.

Ensure Introduces Ensure HD and Ensure Extreme for Active Seniors

Abbott Park, IL – If you are over sixty, lacking basic nutrition, and low on energy, Abbott Laboratories has great news. The makers of Ensure, New Ensure, and Ensure Classic are proud to release Ensure HD and Ensure Extreme. Loaded with extra calories, a near lethal dose of caffeine, and essential nutrients, the energy bursting flavor of these new drinks will help you keep your active senior lifestyle going strong.

Harry Johnson, 72, enjoys Ensure Extreme while snowboarding.

If you have a long day of shuffleboard in the commons or keep regressing to memories of when you were a twenty year old debutante, Ensure HD keeps your metabolism burning well into the early bird special at the Denny’s. If you feel more active and plan water aerobics at the YMCA, then Ensure Extreme will give you the extra burst of strength when you are tits (knees) deep in community pool. Ensure HD and Ensure Extreme are for the busy sexagenarian who aren’t satisfied living their sunset years watching the Wheel of Fortune with the Pat Sajak on the tube.

Also, coming this fall enjoy Ensure Dark. Ensure Dark keeps your geriatric nightlife burning by adding a touch of Viagra to each bottle. Ensure Dark will redefine Tuesday Night Bingo into a wrinkled and sagging flesh orgy of dusty passion. All Ensure products are available in your local supermarket or convalescent hospital.

Ed. Note – This may be an ad but we are not sure.

Make-a-Wish Director Becomes Embittered as Donations Fall

Michael J. Robinson is sick of all the whiny sh…

Inglewood, CA – Facing diminishing donations and a tight budget, Director and CFO of the Make-a-Wish foundation Michael J. Robinson has become increasingly resentful of the demands of terminally sick children. In 2006 at the height of a spendthrift economy, the Make-a-Wish Foundation received plenty of contributions and budgetary problems were nonexistent. Robinson stated, “Those were good times. If a 12 year old wanted to do a million dollar super sweet sixteen party because she wouldn’t see her 13th birthday, we said no problem. Those days are gone.” Robinson then wiped a small tear from his eye.

As the economy crashed and donations slowed to a trickle Robinson faced layoffs for the first time in his tenure. “I had to lay off a few very good workers go so that we could pay for a huge parade for Johnny VanVanson. Johnny didn’t live long enough to make it to the parade day. It just took too long to plan everything. We canceled all we could but we lost a lot of money in that deal.” Robinson related that the damaged to the morale of the organization hurt him the most. Instead of making dreams come true, their focus fell on budget.

Robinson shifted his work to begging for donations rather than visiting with sick children. “It’s better this way. I’m tired of telling the dying kids ‘no’ we just don’t have the money. I don’t want to say, ‘Timmy, do you know the cost and logistical nightmare it would be to move your respirator and thousands of dollars medical equipment to the pitcher’s mound at Coors Field? All that so you could throw the first pitch for a preseason game. The insurance premiums alone could bankrupt us. Can you wish for something a little more around $1000?” Robinson’s assistant Vergil Salanfork stated, “He used to love his job but I knew things were too much for him when he tried to strangle a 14 year old cancer patient for asking to have Miley Cyrus perform for her at the hospital. He shouted something like ‘You little bitch. Do you know how much a first class plane ticket costs?’ We don’t let him visit the children anymore.” To help alleviate some of Mr. Robinsons stress MDT readers can donate here.

I Just Met a Guy Who Said He Didn’t Know You

Op Ed by Steve the Wet Hand – Oh hey, hello. We haven’t talked in a while. I’ve called you but you never seem to be there. Like the time when I was in the hospital and you never came to visit me. Anyways, I was just talking to that guy over there. I told him about how long we have known each other. Then he told me he didn’t know who you were. So there’s that.

Anyway, I wanted to talk to you about all my problems because you always seemed to be a good or at least indifferent listener. But the guy over there who doesn’t know you doesn’t know how good of a friend you are. Well really, you don’t walk away like most other people. I wanted to tell you about this really uncomfortable event that happened to me and I will be going into unimaginably painful detail. It’s pretty gruesome. You will want to pull your bottom lip over your face and swallow but you are a good friend and will listen and nod. You will only check your phone every minute or so to see if there is anything on Pinterest that is more interesting than my unnecessary and long story.

OK so it goes like this: I locked my keys in the car yesterday. That’s my story in a nutshell, but that is not a good enough summary.  I will describe in bleedingly painful and useless detail how it started. You’re a good buddy so you won’t just say ‘I’m sorry’ and walk away. But the guy over there who said he doesn’t know you won’t know that.  You will stick by me as I go over my entire story which starts, by the way, almost twenty four hours earlier with a bunch on nonessential detail. it will include disgusting information about my cat and its dance with a litter box. I will tell you my story and you will listen. Because you are such a good friend and the guy over there that doesn’t know you doesn’t know this about you. I will continue to talk to you, or at you, until you are literally bashing your head into the arm of the sofa. I will fill your head with a plethora of micro-details that will cause a psychic headache that the guy over there that doesn’t know you will not experience. This is because I just met him and I need to act like a normal, near-delightful person around him. I will act normally until he drops his guard and then I can unleash my all-consuming and emotionally draining self on him. You won’t know about this because you don’t know who he. He just told me has never met you.

It’s a shame because he does not know you and does not know about the social abuses that I heap on you. If you never meet him he will never know how I will suck the life from you every time I talk to you. But that is OK. Because you will sit quietly ignoring my story and only repeat the last thing I say to you when I pause. You usually make it sound like a question so that it almost sounds like we are actually having a conversation. You are a good friend like that but the guy over there who said he didn’t know you doesn’t know it.

So let me tell you the story of how I locked my keys in the car…Hey where are you going.

Ticketmaster Adds ‘Because We Can’ Fee to Tickets

Mumford and Sons will be the first performers to add the new fee to tickets.

Hollywood, Somewhere – Bono the oft described “Irish Rocker” and Ticketmaster CEO Nathan Somethingorother danced like giddy school girls as they spoke to reporters about a new fee that will be added to all transactions conducted through Ticketmaster. Somethingorother stated, “We are happy to announce the ‘Because We Can’ fee for the convenience of all our customers. It has been a long time coming. Ticketmaster really wanted to give something back to our customers after all the years of forced loyalty through our monopolistic practices. Is there a better way to show our appreciation than making ourselves slightly richer and milk additional dollars from the stupid mouth breathing public?” Bono then flipped the bird to the attendees and added “It’s not like you can do anything about it. And also screw you, you stupid slack jawed music fans.” Many U2 fans reportedly swooned and blogged about the greatness of the band.

This charge is in addition to the already controversial “convenience” fee and the cost for extra anal lubricant. Bono also reminded his fans that part of the ticket price went to Funding for al-Qaeda unspecified relief organizations to help something, something about Africa.

Most in attendance grumbled in irritation. Then, they pulled out their wallets and began showering the two with money. Mr. Somethingorother then laughed maniacally,  stripped naked, and rolled around in the wadded up cash. Bono later admitted that when he spoke of “Africa” was referring to his large mansion in a tax sheltering nation.

After his shameless display, Mr Somethingorother then spoke of future plans to retroactively add additional charges to concerts attended in the past.

Local Man Dismayed Old Starbuck’s Converted to New Starbuck’s

Starbucks logo has not changed but Waco residents feel the siren now looks down on them with pity.

Waco, TX-Carl Jordenson recently returned to his hometown after a stint in the military, a disappointing trip through community college, and a failed marriage. Growing up in Waco, Jordenson remembered the good ol’ boy feel of the town, his church, and his caffeine delivery companies. In high school, Jordenson remembered visiting the local Starbucks early mornings before class to pick up a solid cup of Joe and a small pastry. “I used to flirt with the cashier and get my caffeine fix at the same time. Things are different now,” says Jordenson, “it goes beyond just the physical remodel, updated decor, and the new chai drinks. There is just a slightly different feel to it. I don’t know what this country is coming to.” He is not alone in noticing the evolution that the town of 124,000 has experienced.

Onetime barista and current store manager ‘Chip’ agrees, “We had to move the counter back for safety and installed one of those sorting trash bins for paper and plastic. We added a new ice dispenser too. I actually like that. But the store lost a little something. I feel like we failed our customers, our town. I feel like we failed America.”

Some residents have complained that the new Starbucks has ruined Waco’s mid-2000’s charm. The quaint fear-of-terrorism driven commercialism that filled the busy downtown streets converted to flaccid, environmentally responsible commercialism. One lone passerby slurping a double Trenta Carmel Frapuiccino with whip quipped, “Everything changes, but by god, why do they have all these music CDs and sandwiches. I just want my coffee syrup type milkshake. What the hell kind of coffee is chai? Waco has lost something; we need our homogenized corporate fast food back to the way things used to be, like in the mid two thousands.”

Another resident noted that the McDonald’s on North Interstate 35 Frontage Road has converted to a Burger King. While complaints were minimal, an undercurrent of unease flows beneath the smiling faces of retail food drones. Corporate America is slightly changing.

Jordenson left his home town a little sad that the two-triple-aughts were gone. He remains steadfast and takes comfort in knowing that he will most probably become a Walmart greeter when his unemployment checks stop sometime in June.

Successful Actor Hopes to Make Enough Tips to Become a Full Time Waiter

Steven Stevenson hopes to finally quit Hollywood.

Pasadena, CA – Steven Stevenson is a marginally successful actor and stand-up comedian. He has appeared in several dozen commercials and even won some credited roles in ABC’s popular sitcom Ham-fisted Laugh Track and CBS’s now defunct drama Old People: Dying. But his work as an actor is only a paycheck while he works on his true career, waiting tables. Stevenson spoke briefly to MDT in an abandoned pig farm near Shafter, CA. In the interview he stated, “I’ve been living a sort of double life. My day job is acting and it pays the bills but, my dream is to take my career as a waiter to the next level.” As an actor, he could no longer buy in to all the glamour that Hollywood offered. And, in an existential crisis, Stevenson questioned his career choice.

When he first started acting, Stevenson knew that it wouldn’t be permanent. He stated, “Acting paid the bills but, it wasn’t my dream. Early on, I knew that slaving away in front of a live studio audience was not my calling.” As his career advanced, he pushed off his dreams of food service. He continued, “I woke up one morning and I just knew I couldn’t do it for the rest of my life. I wanted to live the dream.” He spent the next two weeks filling out applications and interviewing at local restaurants and pubs. He received a few call backs but nothing panned out. “Then it happened,” Stevenson stated excitedly, “I was finishing a 6 hour sex scene shoot with Kate Bosworth on the set of Old People, when my cell rang. I knew, I wasn’t supposed to have it on set but, I took a chance. It paid off.”

An assistant manager from an Applebee’s in Burbank was on the line. He offered Stevenson a greeter/host position starting at minimum wage but with a free meal when on the clock. “I was so excited, I screamed. I was jumping up and down. I was on cloud nine. A naked Kate Bosworth gave me a hug and congratulated me, but I noticed a bit of jealousy in her eyes. I whispered softly in her ear, ‘today me, tomorrow you.’ But, I didn’t let my success go to my head. I was starting my new career at the bottom.”

Stevenson has since been promoted to waiter at the Burbank Applebee’s and hopes to one day make enough tips to quit acting all together. He has put in for a transfer to the Applebee’s by the 405 where the customer volume is greater and he can make better money. He can still be seen in a recurring role as Friend Number 2 on the Fox action drama Fist Full of Bullet Holes: Explosion.

TSA to Remove ‘Nude’ Body Scanners, Replace with Poles

Washington DC-After the Transportation Security Administration discontinued the use of the controversial ‘nude’ body scanners, many wondered what new type of intrusive and questionable practice would take its place. TSA Executive -Type-Person, John Pistole, announced a new program on Tuesday that he claims will be less intrusive and more effective for passengers. He stated, “The evil, ugly, and rude terrorists that are out there won’t stop until we are all dead. Thus, we need to continue to expand our intrusions on civil liberties so that they don’t win.” He then added “Hell, there may be some terrorists under your bed. We just don’t know. So, I am pleased to announce a new program called the System to Register and Improve Passenger Performance, Efficiency, and Respect or STRIPPER. It consists of a metal pole mounted on the floor and ceiling of the Security screening area at passenger check in. It is filled with all the latest electronics and sensors that, frankly, makes Robocop look like a wind-up toy.”

TSA employee ‘CanDee’ Demonstrates new passenger screening procedures.

The TSA has been under heavy criticism from bloggers and other online media for having nonsensical and invasive policies. With the announcement today the TSA has promised to balance rights stripping security and sexual gratification with freedom for travelers. Pistole continued, “With the latest intelligence we have received, the average terrorist is now most likely female, between the ages of 18 and 29, and under 120 lbs. Under the STRIPPER program, only passengers that fit this profile will be required to sensually swing around the scanner poles.” When asked to explain the logic behind the new policy the TSA director cleared his throat and blinked.

The TSA plans the rollout of this program to begin at airports in Los Angeles and South Beach, Florida sometime near spring break. “This time frame will allow us to root out hot, young, and nubile terrorists,” Pistole spoke licking his lips. The STRIPPER scanners will be installed at great expense by an unnamed and well-connected government contractor. For further information on the new program go to: HTTP://TSA.CO.GOV/HOTNEWS/STRIPPER.

Nation’s Hipsters Successfully Contained to Portland, OR

Temporary housing, transient tattoo artists, and makeshift underground music venues have been set up to help with influx of hipster populace.

Washington DC – On Friday, President Obama briefly discussed Emergency Executive Order 9812 and its long term effects on American culture. Facing increasing pressure from the pop culture lobby and Midwestern suburban mothers, he enacted the emergency order to provide a safer more benign culture. He stated, “The support for EEO-9812 has been overwhelming. The hipster threat to America’s pop culture, while not eliminated, has been successfully contained. Those who refuse to comply are being relocated to Portland, OR.” Under the executive order, hipsters are to be collected and sent to reeducation camps. The curriculum includes watching reruns of Jersey Shore, listening to top 40’s pop music from 2 years ago and communication classes that teach students how to not sound like a pompous ass. After the treatment, they are asked to sign statements promising to only show interest in things that the general community agrees are safe, banal, and placating. Some have complied willingly and traveled to the camps, but others have denied any wrong doing.

Those who refuse to sign the statements are forcibly moved to temporary housing underneath Burnside Bridge in Portland, Oregon. On their journey they are given a duffel bag full of vinyl Decemberists records, several scarves, thick framed unnecessary glasses, and a choice of 3 ironic t-shirts.

Concerned citizens are asked to report any suspicious hipster like behavior. Parents are warned to report their children if they display any symptoms of hipsterism. The US surgeon general spoke about the warning signs of the disease. “If you see anyone shopping in a second hand store, listening to unusual or uncommon music, or displaying any knowledge of organic or locally grown produce, please report them immediately as hipsterism is known to be highly communicable.”

Obama concluded the press conference with a personal statement. “We can overcome this national tragedy. No one has been untouched by this. My brother-in-law started showing the early signs of affliction when he purchased a record player and a typewriter at an expensive second hand store. He may have contracted it from attending an Arcade Fire concert earlier in the year. Fortunately, we caught it and, with treatment, he can still live a fulfilling life in our crass and consumeristic society.”

The executive order was drafted from a little known document signed by Reagan in 1981 that prescribed the same treatment for aging hippies. Under that program hippies were successfully contained at two relocation sites, one in Berkeley  California and one in Sedona, Arizona. Reagan’s program copied Nixon’s earlier legislation in 1973 to contain older beatniks to a small suburban neighborhood outside Chicago.

In preparation for the large influx of incurable hipsters, the city of Portland developed temporary housing, transient tattoo artists, and makeshift underground music venues. For more information on hipsterism and additional support for coping with the disease see notinmycountry.gov or whothehellisarcadiefire.org.