Bessie a one thousand pound Hereford cow hopes to one day be ground up and served in a tasty all meat burrito. She feels that her dream can still come true although she is trapped on a small farm among hundreds of dairy cows. Speaking through cow whisperer, Dingo Yarrington, she expressed her dreams. Yarrington said, “I was hired to find out why Bessie was not producing the same at the other cows on the farm. Bessie expressed to me through a snort and sorrowful half moo that she would prefer to be ground up and
served at the nearest Taco Bell on First and Alejandro.” Yarrington then said that the cow did show signs of what he called Adolescent Bovine Self Harm Delusion. The cow whisperer described how she mooed and then chewed some cud and mooed again. Yarrington spoke about this behavior, “It surprised me. She described her deep emotional and highly detailed fantasies. She told me she hoped to one day rot in the intestines of an overweight Taco Bell customer. She spoke of slowly digesting away, causing painful stomach cramps to her unknowing host.”
At the cow whisperers request, Bessie’s owner Ace MacBandersage, placed the cow in a peaceful grassy knoll away from the other cows at the farm. Unfortunately this only exacerbated the condition and caused Bessie to rub against the barbed wire of the pen causing harm to the poor delusional Hereford.
Several new and questionable therapies were prescribed for the cow to help elevate her mood and milk production. MacBandersage stated, “We tried Alfalfa Aroma Therapy, Deep Steak Tissue Massage, Cowzac (TM), and the controversial Cattle Prod Electroshock Therapy. None of that worked.” To the dismay of both MacBandersage and the cow whisper, Bessie was tagged and sent to the Wilson-Grainery Meat Packing plant in Downtown Bent Fork, Wisconsin. According to her wishes, she was ground up, mixed with sawdust and other FDA approved fillers, bleached, bathed in ammonia, packed into square slabs of meat product, boxed, and shipped to various Taco Bell locations in the tri-county area. Parts of Bessie were last seen dangling under the double chin of an unusually sized Mexican fast food restaurant patron.