Zombie Tired of Brains for Dinner Again

Post-Apocalyptic Cedar City, UT-Police were called to investigate a noise complaint and possible domestic disturbance to the Sweinholdt residence on Tuesday. As officers Brink and Thohansen arrived, they found the couple viciously locked in verbal combat on the front lawn. The remains of Bobby Sweinholdt posthumously reanimated by inhaled fungal spores, was furiously grunting and gurgling at his wife Lily. The officers separated the couple amid a growing crowd of neighbors and roaming undead.

Zombie Tired of Brains for Dinner AgainOfficer Brink told reporters that the dispute arose over dinner but escalated as the undead Bobby Sweinholdt broke free from the chains that locked him to his bedroom floor. Bobby’s remains then physically assaulted his wife. She ran outside to avoid a potentially fatal bite from her zombified husband. Mrs. Sweinholdt stood her ground when her husband’s decaying corpse became entangled on the chain link fence of their front yard.

Neighbor, Effron Ericsen, witnessed the incident, “I heard a scream and I saw Lily run out of the house. She stumbled on the porch steps and fell to the ground. She must have twisted her ankle because Lily started slowly dragging herself across the lawn crying for help. That’s when I called the police.” Ericsen then said he witnessed her husband shuffle out of the house moaning with his arms raised. Mrs. Sweinholdt barely made it out of their front gate before kicking the gate closed with her uninjured foot. She then began yelling at her long dead husband. She shouted “I worked hard all day. The leftover cat brain is all we have. I’m too tired to hunt fresh mammalian brain for dinner. Besides, what have you done all day? A whole lotta nothing.” Mr. Sweinholdt’s only response was repeated grunting and moaning from deep within a rapidly decaying chest cavity.

Once the couple was separated, police had to shoot Sweinhold’s mortal coil six times just to calm him down. Animal control was called in and successfully coaxed the zombie back to his room with a fresh stray puppy. Lily Sweinholdt then thanked the officers but refused to press charges. Officer Brink admitted, “I was relieved because it’s difficult to prosecute someone who by all laws, both natural and legal, is dead. There is just so much more paperwork and we rarely go to trial. But we got the undead guy secured and told Mrs. Sweinholdt to buy some thicker chains to ensure her dead husband stays put.”

50 Year Old Man Actually Still Born Baby

Flagstaff, AZ – Deepthawer Memorial Hospital announced on Thursday that, after a comprehensive audit of its records, former patient, 50 year old Elwood Penitravet was actually a stillborn baby born May 31, 1959.According to sources, he was switched at birth with an unidentified baby that was born healthy a week earlier.Although the medical records did not record how the switch actually occurred, some employees have expressed concerns over mismanagement.

Elwood Penitravert was unavailable for comment but sources close to him have reported that he has received the news but seems to be taking it well.Mariena Penitravert, wife and sister to Elwood, stated in a phone interview:“This has been quite a shock to the family.Elwood has always been a quiet and sedentary man but no one suspected he had actually died at birth.Marina and Elwood Penitravert had been married for 25 years but never had any children.“It’s not that we didn’t want to have kids.Elwood loves kids.He is so patient and mild, kids just love to crawl all over him.No, we tried. I even got tested but everything was ok.I always suspected Elwood might have something wrong with him but…well…a man had his pride, you know!”

Francis “Sickle-Cell” Benkin esq., the legal representative of Deepthawer Memorial, stated in the announcement, “Our hearts go out to the Penit…Penitra…Penitrav[ert] family and especially to Elwood himself.We will do all we can afford, hopefully, to never let this happen again, this year.”

Penitravert had been employed at the Flagstaff Creamery as a Safety Manager of Operations but, due to the recent events, was let go.Flagstaff Creamery General Manager, Ronbert Falco stated “Because of the news that has come out in recent days, we had to let Elwood go.We have strict policies on not employing dead people.Not just dead people either…the undead, robots, cyborgs, witches, and uh…Jews…uuummm..our policies were written in a long, long time ago. Damn shame to.Elwood never gave anyone any trouble. Just sat in his office and worked all day ’til his wife cam to pick him up.”

Best friend and fellow West Flagstaff High School Alumni Buddie Epsteen was shocked and saddened when he heard the news.“Elwood and I…we were two peas yes, sir. We were always playing these practical jokes like I’d stick him in the teacher’s desk drawer and when she opened it he would play dead and she would freak out.Or, sometimes, I would wear this police uniform and he would lie on the ground.I would spray paint around him like it was a crime scene, with yellow tape and everything, and I would ask bystanders questions like ‘where were you last night between 5-9’ or ‘ma’am do you own a firearm.’Boy, those were good times…GOOD times.We were such good friends but now…well things are different.You think you know a person then it turns out their hiding something like this.”

When asked if she planned to have a funeral for her husband Mariena Penitravert answered “You know, I thought about it, but then I realized nothing has really changed.He’s the same Elwood I married 25 years ago.Besides, tonight is our date night and Elwood wants to take me to Chez Food, and you know what that means…Elwood might be gettin’ lucky tonight.”

Recent settlement documents between the Penitravers and Deepthawer Memorial reveal that the hospital offered the family $5,000 and free lifetime prostate exams.No funeral arrangements have been made.