Disney Enlists Jerry Bruckheimer to Direct Star Wars Sequel

Hollywood, CA – In a rush to cash in on the short lived franchise Star Wars, Disney is enlisting the help of critically acclaimed filmic maestro Jerry Bruckheimer. Known for his emotionally subtle and poignant directing, Bruckheimer will rebooting the Star Wars movies and bring a fresh perspective. Disney CEO Bob Iger stated, “We are pleased to bring Mr. Bruckheimer’s unique artistic sensibilities to the faltering Star Wars series.”

At the press conference, Bruckheimer was asked if he had any ideas for the new movie. He said, “I never watched the other movies, so, I know I can bring a fresh view to the series.” When asked to elaborate on potential plot lines, he said, “What if

Jerry Bruckheimer rambling something about Bruce Willis, Ben Affleck, and Johnny Depp.

Vader isn’t Luke’s father? What if the Star Wars universe only exists in the imagination of a retarded Shia LaBeouf? What if the force is really just a mystical power that surrounds us and not a disease in the bloodstream of a few? I have a few other ideas. We have not fully explored them yet, but I’ll bang a script out in the next few minutes.”

Iger then recommended that fans get in line now for a move that will be in every theater, play for a long time at said theaters, be available on DVD (but not Blu-Ray or iTunes), and cable TV after that. He then said, “We will focus on making movies that will please the fans by digging deeper into the wonderful and colorful characters in Star Wars. We will also balance that with enough explosions to appease the knuckle dragging mass of idiots that just like to watch shiny things…” Bruckheimer interrupted Iger by saying, “What if the huge spaceships of the Empire transform into Ninja Turtles and fight with the Jedi? Ooooooor, what if, what if, Luke and Solo and that harry creature guy that can’t talk, what if, they go on a road trip across Australia? Do you see the potential for a great movie? Oh, wait, what if an asteroid is headed for Tatooine and Luke has to assemble a rag tag group of clichéd Jedi characters to use their mind force powers to push the asteroid over to the Empire side of the galaxy? Oh my god, are we making more than one movie? How many x’s are in the word explosion? I think we need to add a few more.” Bruckheimer then rambled on about other potential plots with more holes than could be counted. He then sat down on the sage and, rocking back and forth, said “Shia LaBeouf, Shia LaBeouf, Shia LaBeouf.” He changed the phonetic emphasis of the name each time he spoke. This continued until all in attendance were thoroughly creeped out.

Hollywood economists have estimated that the new movie could generate as much as fifteen kajillion dollars in gross revenue and even more with emerging global markets. The estimated release date for the new move will be the summer of 2015.

Clown College Frat Party Surprisingly Tame

Breckenhurst, MO-Expectations for an absurdly amusing time were dashed as party goers arrived at the Bonjour La Femme Fraternity in Breckenhurst Clown College. Many of the invitees were expecting quite a wild and whimsical night of heavy drinking, along with comedic physical innuendo. Mary Eldergist, a first time attendee, said, “I was expecting a bit more tomfoolery. This shindig turned out to be more like a state dinner with the governor.” Another anonymous partygoer stated, “They had drinks but no one really got drunk. I was expecting some wild times. Where are the trampolines? Where are the tiny clown cars? Give me something!”

The Bonjour La Femme Fraternity President, Steven “the fart sensation” McTraverson

Clown prepares for final trials before his ascension.

stated “We spend all week studying hard for pie throwing exams and balloon animal certifications. The last thing we want to do to relax is entertain our guests with more brutal shenanigans. It would be too exhausting.” The president also noted that the History of Circus and the Media finals are next week and a few of the students will need to pull an all-night clown session to pass.

Fraternity Brother James “rubber chicken chucker” el Naranja complained, “I’ve got a full course load this year. I have 2 units on Banana Slipping 101 and another 4 units in Oversized Shoes 104. I can’t get drunk and wild tonight. My CPA (Clown Point Average) would slip to unfunny levels.”

A visiting guest did have one to many green apple martinis and stumbled around the room pretending to be a mime. He then placed a lampshade on his head and passed out on the couch. El Naranja stated, “Yeah, I saw that guy. A lampshade? That is so cliché and unfunny. I bet that guy still thinks Charlie Chaplin is a genius. I mean, has he even studied Keaton, or Arbuckle? Marceau was doing that stuff in the 40’s, come on!”

The Dean of Physical Clowning released a statement that the police and the fire department were called to the scene but, the call was due to car parked in front of a fire hydrant.

Celebrity Gossip: Bono Breaks Up with Bono

Dublin, Ireland-Aging “rocker” and activist Bono is rumored to have ended his long standing relationship with himself.  According to some close associates, including one band member, Bono has ended his 24 year long love affair with himself. Fans of Bono and U2 were stunned and some were so shocked they stopped posting about U2 for 10 god-damn seconds on Facebook and Twitter.

Speaking off the record, one long time member of U2’s management team stated that she was surprised when she heard. She stated, “Bono was a bit of a loner when the band first started.  He dated some groupies but nothing serious. No one could love him the way he needed. Then, he realized the love he needed was right there with him the whole time.” She later said she thought that Bono and Bono were one of few couples in ‘rock n’ roll’ truly in love. Another associate of Bono commented that celebrity relationships are notoriously short and “Bono should be happy that it lasted 24 years.” One fan stated between Facebook posts about U2, “If Bono can’t love himself, what chance does anyone have at finding true love.”
The rumors were almost confirmed when Larry Mullen stated in a band interview, “Things were getting rocky between them and …” But Bono interrupted him by asking if they could stop everything and talk about Africa for just a second.  Bono then made everyone feel bad about having enough food to eat today and charged everyone $120.00 plus fees for tickets to his next concert.

Study: Candy and Ice Cream Very Healthy Part of Children’s Diet

Springfield,MA-Mrs. Fingerburger’s kindergarten class held a news conference yesterday afternoon to announce their critical health and dietary finding. It has been called nothing short of revolutionary for the fields of medicine, nutrition, and child development. Tommy Santosandgina, kindergarten class representative, announced proudly the findings that “candy and ice queem(sic.) are necessary parts of a healthy balanced diet.” These results rock the traditional nutritionist views that high caloric and high fat foods may cause health problems including diabetus and obesity. “After our academic year long study we have found that having candy, or ice cream at weast free(sic.) to five time a day, boosts energy and a-cadamic(Sic.) performance for at least five minutes after eating.”

Children receive energy from health food like ice cream.

The new study also indicated that students who ate a breakfast including marshmallows or frosted cereal (or any cereal with a cartoon mascot) performed better academically. Also, the same students threw bouncy red balls much faster than kids who had to eat regular cereal. Tommy also noted that broccoli was found to be “very poisonous and should be avoided or fed to the dog under the table, if available.”

Researchers disagree as to how this may effect nutrition habits in the near future because many parents traditionally think of these foods as ‘junk food’ or unhealthy. Nutritionist Nigel J. Happenstance said “this study completely redesigns the food pyramid model with the four new food elements to a healthy diet being: Candy, Ice Cream, Video Games and a Barbie Dream House. Traditional science doesn’t even acknowledge the latter two as food. Clearly, we have much to learn.”

The Surgeon General for the United States and the Unnamed Domain of His Eminence called for a complete retooling of school lunch programs. More information will be made available soon on the official Surgeon Generals website: http://www.surgeongeneral.gov/.

Low Level IT Supervisor Now in charge of 10,000 Strong Mercenary Army

Beaverton, OR – A low level IT help desk supervisor seized control of the local governments on Thursday with a 10,000 strong mercenary army in a power grab that proved successful beyond his initial plans. [Real name withheld due to pending litigation] asked that he now only be referred to as His Eminence since his appointment as Supreme High Lord of Beaverton and Surrounding Territories.

He began his political career as an IT help desk operator, was promoted to supervisor, and then quickly rose to power over the greater Beaverton area when a full standing mercenary army under contract with [Corporation name withheld do to pending litigation] fell under his control. His sudden ascension was partly due to an automatic e-mail personnel approval process while working for [company name withheld do to court order]. His Eminence was filling out a simple personnel request when, he claims, “As a joke, I filled out the form on the enterprise intranet website for ‘10,000 battle tested mercenaries.’  I figured Frank the GM here in Beaverton would have caught the joke and denied the request.” Frank denied any involvement in the military actions performed by His Eminance, and replied no comment when pressed further.

In an interview with His Eminence he stated, “Seriously, I was in shock when the notification came back approved. But I totally lost my shit when 10,000 soldiers showed up at the office.”

The shock soon faded and the seductive euphoria of absolute, though geographically limited, power  drove His Eminence to assume command and immediately declared marshal law on the two story suburban office park in southern Beaverton. The local PD were called in but quickly surrendered when Field Sergent Thomas A. O’brienstein realized that they were seriously outgunned and outnumbered.  O’brienstein later stated “The initial call was for a hostage situation. So, we headed out guns ready but, when we arrived and found a full standing army encampment., there was not much we could do…”  O’brienstein and his men later joined His Eminence and his mercenary army when he offered better pay and promised not put up with ‘bullshit from Mayor Doyel.’
With local law enforcement subdued His Eminence expanded his reach to include the the tri-city area of Hillsboro, Tigard and the rest of Beaverton.  The National Guard was soon called in by state authorities but due to lack of funding and fighting 2 wars in Afghanistan and Iraq they sued for peace instead of risking further military resources.
His Eminence later admitted, “I used a combination of tactical skills that I acquired from playing World of Warcraft and negotiation modeled after Captain Picard of Star Trek TNG.  I pretty much got what I wanted once I told them that I planned to have a small elitist power base that would crush the underprivileged and poor. I  really just modeled my regime after the current US government. Now, I have almost absolute power over the entire tri-city area.”  He later promised to rule with a “Firm but just hand.”

Only history will tell if a dictatorship can survive in the middle of the United States pseudo-democratic oligarchy.