Christians Riot at ‘Son of God’ Premiere

Hollywood, CA-Police responded in full tactical gear as evangelical Christians began to threaten the stars of the blockbuster ‘Son of God.’ During a protest of the movie, violence erupted and spread into the street where several limousines were smashed and torched. An estimated 20 to 30 storefronts were looted and burned. The riot started as a peaceful protest by multiple evangelical Christian groups that felt that the ‘Son of God’ movie painted the Christ in a negative light. Preacher and used car salesman Jeremiah Smithson stated, “Our Holy Prophet depicted in this blasphemous film is wholly inaccurate and wicked. The Jesus in this movie repeatedly displays signs of horrific compassion, disgusting love, and terrible kindness. This is not my Jesus.” As tempers flared in the crowd, one member of the church group, the Judgmental Self-righteous, threw a rock onto the red carpet. He shouted “Death to the infidels!”

Riot3

“More Accurate” portrayal of Jesus according to protesters.

As police moved in protesters clashed and initially pushed law enforcement back shouting “Jesus ‘loves’ you”, but used sarcastic quotation fingers when they said the word love. During an opening speech at the protest Clarence Touchingboy, a self-proclaimed pastor in his church stated, “While this movie is supposedly ‘historically accurate’ there are obvious omissions to try to humanize our lord. Where are the scenes of Christ berating homosexuals, protesting soldier’s funerals, shaming single mothers, and blowing up abortion clinics? That’s my Jesus. I want my Jesus with the flaming red eyes of hate and fangs. Not this watered down cartoon character.”

Riot police reinforcements were called in and the crowd dispersed at around 11pm. An estimated $7 million dollars in damages was left smoldering in the streets. The ‘Son of God’ movie pulled in $26.4 million dollars, a close second to Liam Neeson’s ‘Non-Stop’. Proving once again that Liam Neeson is greater that Jesus.

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